A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.

The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"

The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys shagging your mom when I'm gone."

A gentleman and his wife enter a bar and sit next to a drunk. Shortly after they order their drinks, the drunk who cuts a rather loud fart embarrasses them.
The irritated husband addresses the drunk, "How dare you fart before my wife!"
The drunk nonchalantly raises his eyebrows and purses his lips. "Sorry. I didn't know we were taking turns."

A man wearing a trench coat with nothing under walked into a bar with a large box. Placing the box on the counter, he removes the lid and takes out a huge snapping turtle that must have weighed at least 10 pounds. He throws open his coat and reveals a tremendous erection.

Shocking his audience he pops the tip of his shaft into the open mouth of the turtle. Immediately the turtle snaps on the member and the man walks the length of the bar with the turtle swinging back and forth as he walks.

After eyeing every customer, the man makes a fist and smacks the turtle on the head as hard as he could. The turtle releases his jaws and drops to the floor. Gathering him up and putting him back in the box, the man says, "I'll give any man $1000 if they can do the same thing."

A skinny little nerdish man on the end says, "I'll do it if you promise not to bang me on the head like that when I'm done."

The patrons of a certain bar thought their bartender was the strongest in the land. They backed up their belief with a $1000 bet. There was but one challenger, a clerk type that every thought of as a wimp.

The bartender took a lemon and squeezed every drop he could into a glass, then handed the shrunken hulk to the challenger. "If you can squeeze one more drop out of that thing you win.

The little guy took the rind and with no trouble had all squeezed the shriveled thing until two drops fell into the glass. All were amazed and asked how such a thing could be.

The bartender pulled out his billfold and gave the man two five hundred dollar bills. "What in the world do you do for a living? Lumber jack, bull-wrestler, weight-lifter or what?"

"I work for the IRS," was the cool reply.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his palm. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, you don't understand; I'm very hi tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.

The bartender said he should prove it. The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the outstretched palm and carries on a conversation.

That's incredible, says the bartender... I would never believe it!

Yeah, said the guy, I'm really very hi tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room? The bartender directed him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time.

Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god," said the bartender, "did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: No, no... I'm just waiting for a fax to come through!"

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details."

Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.

"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.

"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What are the three things?"

"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200 pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a mean tempered pit-bull in the backroom that needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and prong the 80 year old lady who lives upstairs."

"No problem," the guy says.

He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pit-bull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room. It sounds like the pit-bull has gone crazy. After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily. "Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled."

This guy is sitting in a bar getting really drunk. The bar is on the top floor of a hotel. After a while, he goes to the window, opens it, and throws himself out. Shocked, two other patrons run to the window and watch in horror as the drunk plummets toward the pavement below.

Then, miraculously, the man is swept up an instant before hitting the sidewalk, and seems to fly right back up and in through the open window. Amazed, the patrons ask if he can do that again. He complies, gladly.

When he returns the second time, they ask how he did that. "Simple," he said, slurring his words badly. "There's an air vent down there, and just before you hit the pavement, the gush of air lifts you right back up. You guys should try it."

Skeptical, but daring, the two race toward the open window, plummet to earth, and are squashed instantly like bugs on the street.

The drunk returns to the bar and, giggling, orders another scotch. As the bartender serves the drinks, he says to the man, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

A very small, sickly-looking man was hired as a bartender. The saloon owner gave him a word of warning: "Drop everything and run for your life if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town." The man worked several months without any problems.

Then one day a cowhand rushed in shouting, "Big John is a'comin'," and knocked the small bartender on the floor in his hurry to get out.

Before the bartender had a chance to recover, a giant of a man with a black bushy beard rode into the saloon through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, and using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off their hinges, knocked over tables, and flung the snake into the corner. He then took his massive fist and split the bar in half as he asked for a drink.

The bartender nervously pushed a bottle at the man. He bit off the top of the bottle with his teeth and downed the contents inone gulp, and turned to leave. Seeing that he wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked the man if he would like another drink.

"I ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John is a'comin' to town."

Four guys are sitting around a bar trying to decide what to name the bar. The first guy says, "Let's name it the 'Green Bar' because of all the money we're going to make.

The next guy says, "Let's name it the 'Yellow Bar' because of all the times we're going to have to pee."
The third guy says, "Let's name it 'Suzy's Legs.'"
They all agreed on that. The manager said, "Come back tomorrow around 5 o'clock for a free beer."

The next day the third guy was there waiting when a cop came up to him and asked him what he was doing. The guy said answered, "I'm waiting for Suzy's Legs to open up so I can have a drink."

A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."
The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit."

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon we did the Lewinsky thing and I knew bliss three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"

The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
"I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-work. B-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment."

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have only fifty cents!"

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time the missus and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"
The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home, and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me. I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no paper in the ladies restroom."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!
Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Brien twins are drunk again.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill,pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy that old douchebag down there a drink."

Somewhat offended, the bartender replies, "Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I don't appreciate you calling my female customers douchbags."

The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered "you're right, that was uncalled for...please allow me to buy the woman a cocktail."

"That's better," said the bartender and he approached the woman. "Ma'am, the gentleman down the bar would like to buy you a drink... What would you like?"

"How nice!" replied the woman, I'll have a vinegar and water.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say, "Wow! You look GREAT tonight!"

The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

"That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!"

He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?"

And the man replies, "Good things, why?"
And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts.

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars."

To which the fellow replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life."
Then the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye...that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord...didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did," Kelly sighed. "And a beautiful thing it was, but that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!"

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she has completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunken man replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A drunk guy's sitting in a bar and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender tells him to go down the hall and make a right.

Shortly after the drunk leaves, everybody in the bar hears a loud scream and wonders what's going on in the restroom. A few minutes go by and again everybody hears a loud scream coming from the restroom.

This time the bartender goes to the restroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.. At the door he shouts to the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers away."

The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I pull the flush handle, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two hundred dollars for a blow job??"

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunken guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!"

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!

We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

How about a fast trip to page 35 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

Want to go back to the first page? page 1? of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

CLICK HERE

Click here for Quester's life story in pictures.

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page