The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

BARTENDER: I think you've had enough sir.
DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy
BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
DRUNK: It was almost impossible.

McDonnell walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"Scuse me," said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Ach, it were nothing,'" said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.'

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.'

The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.'
He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?'
The Guinness president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. Then minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? He yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.

"With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.

"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."

Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold.

Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.

Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" he asks.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the five hundred dollars and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A guy walks into a bar down in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly, "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune."

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.

At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Damn things are everywhere."

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

DISASTROUS NEWS FOR MALE BEER DRINKERS...
Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer. This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are
male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption. WARNING: Drinking beer eventually turns men into women. THE TEST: 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each, within a one hour period. THE RESULT: 100% of the men:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when wrong
No further testing is planned.

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.

So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that none will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

One St. Patrick's Day, a tavern was holding a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. The winner was John O'Riley, with "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home that night, he told his wife he'd won the toast contest. She asked what his winning toast was. Thinking quickly, he replied, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church wi' me wife."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley ran into a local policeman, who'd been at the tavern. "That was quite a toast your husband gave last night," he said.

"So he tells me," she answered. "But he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's actually only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub.Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random..
"Salvation Army" came the answer.
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply. "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

An old Irish couple owned a pub. The man drank a lot and got sick one day. He went to the doctor. The doctor said to him, "Lay off the booze for awhile and you should be fine."

He then goes home and tells his wife, "Ah-ya 'n begora, I have to stop drinking to get better.

After not drinking for two weeks he says, "What the hell, I'm going to have a little nibble." He drank and drank some more until he got drunk and sick once again. Then he went back to the doctor.

The doctor said, "I told you to stop drinking, and now I'll tell you, one more drink and you'll shit your guts out."

He went home and told his wife what the doctor said, and after some days passed he was back to his old self. He felt healthy as any young man. That's when he thought, "What the hell, a few drinks can't hurt," and again got real drunk and sick.

His wife helped him to bed. She had been preparing chicken for dinner that night and thought, "I'll fix his wagon." While he was out cold she rolled him over on his stomach. With some little dexterity, she poured chicken guts down the back of his trousers.

Two hours later he came down to the kitchen. His wife greeted him with, "Paddy, you look worse than when I took you up to bed."

He replied, "Oh by gorry, the doctor was right. I shit me guts out. But, by the grace of God and the end of my hair-brush I was able to shove them all back in again."

A man was bar-b-queing a chicken on a rotisserie in his back yard when a drunk strolled by. He stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said, "I don't want to bug you or anything, man, but your music has stopped and your monkey's on fire!"

One night a police officer was thinking to implement the law against driving while under the influence of liquor. He posted himself across the street from a neighborhood tavern, thinking that eventually someone would stumble out and he would have them cold.

After some hours of watching, he saw what looked like a good bet for satisfying his vigilant eye. A man weaved out the door of the bar and tried his key unsuccessfully on five different cars before opening the door on the last one. Then he sat and fumbled around trying to find the ignition switch for his key to start the car. This took several more minutes. Finally, the car started and drove out of the lot.

Immediately, the police officer drove after the fellow and pulled him over to the side of the road. He asked him to get out of his vehicle, asked him to produce his driver's license. Then he read him his rights and asked him to take a breath-analyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled office demanded to know how that could be. The fellow smiled, asked for his license back and replied, "Tonight I happen to be the designated 'decoy'."

Murphy is stopped for being drunk. The cop tells him to blow into Breathalyzer! Murphy says: "What's That?
Cop says, "It's an old bag that tells whether you've had too much to drink!
Murphy says: "Naw.... No Need for that. I've got one of those at home. I'm married to it!"

A policeman pulls over an elderly couple and approaches the car. The police officer explains that he's pulling them over because they have a taillight out.

The elderly man, who was driving said "I was just going to get a bulb for that right now."
His wife leans over and says "no he wasn't it's been out for 2 months!"

The policeman tells the man that he has to give him a ticket. When the policeman finishes writing the citation and approaches the car he says "I noticed that you didn't have your seat belt on either so I'm citing you for that also."

The old man says "I had to take it off when you pulled me over to get the necessary information out of the glove box".

His wife again leans over and says "No he didn't; he never wears that thing!"

The policeman gives the old man both citations and says to his wife "ma'am, I sure do appreciate your honesty, but let me ask you something... does he lie like this all the time?"

The wife says, "…only when he's been drinking!"

A policeman pulls a preacher over for weaving back and forth across the road. "Excuse me sir but you appear to be intoxicated."
"I don't think so," said the preacher. "What's that in the jar beside you?" replied the officer.
"Water" the preacher replied.
The officer smelled the liquid in the jar. "That's wine," he said.
The preacher smiled and said, "He's done it again!"

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, But… where's his wheelchair?"

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear God! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you, "You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, 'Do you know who I am?'

The stranger says 'No. Who are you?'
The drunk proudly says 'I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!'
They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in. There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like
Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.

The man looked her over and calmly said. "You don't scare me, I married your sister."

How about a fast trip to page 36 of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

Want to go back to the first page? page 1? of jokes?CLICK HERE will get you there.

CLICK HERE

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page