Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate, or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, properly trained personnel should only attempt replacement of mouse balls.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger, and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the "pop off" method. Domestic balls are removed using the "twist off" method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement the mouse may be used immediately.

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.

Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnels from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?"

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forge able ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well, if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone and shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely... is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, anymore." the woman said. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e mail here?"

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

A computer consultant was furiously working away at a program at his desk, when suddenly, everything went black, and he lost consciousness. When he came to, he found he was in front of the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter was watching him, waiting for him to wake up.

The young man stood up, looked around, and walked over to Peter. "What is this place?" he asked.

"You're at the Pearly Gates", replied Peter, opening a huge book. Obviously shaken at waking up dead, the young consultant said, "You mean I'm dead?"

"Mm-hmm", replied Peter, carefully scanning through the list of names. "What happened? I mean, I'm young, I don't smoke, eat healthy, work out every day. I don't see any injuries on my body. How'd I die?"

Peter looked up and said, "Wait just a minute till I find your name; that'll give me the cause of death also."
The consultant looked around... blue sky and clouds everywhere, kind of like the Windows 95 startup screen.
Finally, Peter said, "Ah-ha, here you are. It says you died of old age."
"Old age? I'm only 32", the consultant stammered.
"Hmmm, let me see", said Peter, "We don't often make mistakes."
After looking a moment longer, Peter said knowingly, "Got it! You were a consultant, right?"
"Yes."
"Well, the book's right about old age being the problem. Y'see, up here we figure your age in billable hours."

In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return post. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.

The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Computer Manual by Dr. Suess
What If Dr. Suess Wrote A Computer Manua. It might be like this…

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer, and be sure to tell your mom.
Contributed by Anita Millikin

Beware of these viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus....Your IBM suddenly claims its a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus....Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus............Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.............Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.........Quits after two bytes
Prozac virus.............Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Lorena Bobbit virus......Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen virus........Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Joey Buttafuoco virus....Only attacks minor files
Spice Girl virus.........Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus.......Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Dr. Kevorkian virus......Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Oprah Winfrey virus......Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to an 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB
AT&T virus...............Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus................Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back running for governor
Viagra virus.............Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Windows 2001
There are a few problems with Windows 2001 as well:
1. Once it is turned on it cannot be turned off.
2. It will sever all communications with the outside world.
3. It will lock you out of your house and not let you into your car.
4. Whatever your real name is, it will address you as "Dave" in a very patronizing manner.

Cheap Spellchecker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-Sauce unknown

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female. (e.g., Steady as she goes or She's listing to starboard, Captain) And now for the question of the day---is your computer male or female? You decide.

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: "Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured.

"This sort of thing can happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman said. (Reuters) ...Leading to a required label, "Warning: User still must watch out window when driving."

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, and slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."

One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs,
Put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.

The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.

The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed and destroyed my wife's hard drive!"

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'. Should I be writing something else too?"

Subject: Installing Love
Love V.4.0

Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company help desk. How may I help you?

Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know....the freeware. I don't understand it. Can tell me how to install it?

Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and instructions with you?
Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?

Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background. You will never see LOVE on your
monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes the bad ones.

Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother?

Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV,
and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also, all those aggravating errors
that say "unable to connect" will be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model.

Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs?

CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs can't be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you won't be able to write with the fonts "BADWORDS12" or HARSHNESS10."

Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?
CS Rep: They sure are ma'am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?

CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module that you receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while it is running.

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your, HEART ma'am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What
does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS .DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to
delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
END

Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes it presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly you wish it would.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt !
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Take a couple bytes out of your Apple.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic micro organism.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

To: Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:
This is very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any real life circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Roll on,
Technical Support Group

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded tothe aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

How many Microsoft presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Eight.... One to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb that gets changed in the world.

How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb? Hard to say since they form a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out. They must figure out what exactly they as supervisors could do to make the light bulbs
work smarter not harder.

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write Win/get/light/bulb/handle; one to write: Win/query/step/light/bulb; one to write: Win/toget/light/switch/handle.... you get the idea.

How many Microsoft MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb? MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem. You have been assigned a request service number. It is 39712. Please use this request service number in reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

How many Microsoft Word support people does it take to change a light bulb? A: "We have an exact copy of the light bulb in front of us. It seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now exactly how dark is it? Ok. There could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?"

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw it into a faucet.

INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL's(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.

Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electronic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous generation.

The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip.

The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several flavors: Standard for the generic PC, Bar-b-que for those engineers and scientists who need an extra kick, Cajun for secretaries so that the engineers can drool over it, Sour-Cream and Onion for the very low end user, and Low Sodium for the laptop market.

One of those "Dear Jen" letters..
Dear Jenny,

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy. P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell checked, too.

Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, Bill.

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, Bill.

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True... physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again, and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, Bill.

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Jenny? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

From: Marvin Carlberg <0003277926@mcimail.com>
To: people_who_like_to_smile <werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu>
Subject: How to Hire High Tech People :)

How to Hire High Tech People
A bold new proposal for matching high technology people and professions.

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psyco industrial interpersonal optimization have resulted in the development of a simple foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly suited.

The procedure is simple: each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

Classification Guidelines

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of a unique elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1) Goto Africa
2) Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3) Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west
4) During each traverse path,
(a) Catch each animal seen
(b) Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
(c) Stop when match is detected

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those who do.

Operation research consultants can also measure the correlation of that size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Planners, who haven't the faintest idea what an elephant looks like or where it lives, will nonetheless plan a perfect utopia. Of course this utopia (with five, ten , fifteen, and twenty year horizon plans) will never be achieved. This is because all the other hunters are too damm busy already hunting or can't afford the costs of administrating the best case social delivery system of manufactured alternative Indian Palm trees.
Of course, it really doesn't matter, a federal grant paid for those studies.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
Software lawyers will claim that they own the entire heard based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the VP does go to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the VP sees them. If the VP does see a non prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the VP's keen eyesight, and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters have made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Validation

A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they are expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety five percent of the people surveyed have at least sixty seven percent confidence in statistics.

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