Chat Room Abbreviations

AAMOF...................As A Matter Of Fact
ADN.....................Any Day Now
AFK.....................Away From Keyboard
ASAP....................As Soon As Possible
A/S/C...................Age/Sex/Check
A/S/S/C.................Age/Sex/State/Check
ATK.....................At the Keyboard
BAC.....................By Any Chance
BAK.....................Back At Keyboard
BBL.....................Be Back Later
BBS.....................Be Back Soon
BFN.....................By For Now
BRB.....................Be Right Back
BRB nc..................Be Right Back Nature calls (brb nc)
BTW.....................By The Way
C U L8TER...............See You Later
C U L8R.................See You Later
C YA....................See Ya
DW......................Da Wife or Dear wife,
DH......................Dear Husband
........................Darling Husband
........................Darned Husband (depending on your mood!)
........................Demented Husband (depending on his mood!)
DIL.....................Daughter In Law
EOS.....................End Of Show
FAAK....................Falling Asleep At Keyboard
FIL.....................Father In Law
FWIW....................For What It's Worth
FYI.....................For Your Information
GMTA....................Great Minds Think Alike
GR8.....................Great
HLOL....................Hysterically Laughing Out Loud
HLOLARAWCHAWMP..........Hysterically Laughing Out Loud And
........................Rolling Around While Clapping Hands
........................And Wetting My Pants
HTH.....................Hope This Helps
IAE.....................In Any Event
IDK.....................I Don't Know/ I Didn't Know
IMHO....................In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO..................In My Not So Humble Opinion
IOW.....................In Other Words
IRL.....................In Real Life
ISRN....................I'll Stop Rambling Now
ITA.....................I Totally Agree
JK......................Joke
J/K.....................Just Kidding
LOL.....................Laughing Out Loud
LOLOL...................Laughing Out Loud On Line
LSHMSH..................Laughing so hard my side hurts
LTNS....................Long Time No See
LUVYA...................Love Ya (you)
MYOB....................Mind Your Own Business
NRN.....................No Reply Necessary
OIC.....................Oh I See
OTOH....................On The Other Hand
PC/PVT/MSG..............Private Chat/Messaging
POV.....................Point Of View
PTSS....................Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
ROTF....................Rolling On The Floor
ROTFL...................Rolling On The Floor Laughing
ROTFLMAO................Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Anatomy Off
ROTFWTIME...............Rolling On The Floor With Tears In My Eyes
RSN.....................Real Soon Now
SIL.....................Son In Law or (SoIL)
........................Sister In Law or (SiIL)
SITD....................Still In The Dark
SS......................So Sorry
TBD OOTD................To Be Done, One Of These Days!
TPTB....................The Powers That Be
TTFN....................Ta Ta For Now
TTYL....................Talk to you later
UFO.....................Un-Finished Object
........................(a started project not yet done)
UPGS....................Unfinished Project Guilt Syndrome
VDH.....................Very Dear Husband (see also DH)
VDW.....................Very Dear Wife
WB......................Write Back
WBS.....................Write Back Soon
WPYS....................Who Pulled Your String
WTG.....................Way To Go
YCGB....................You Can't Get Better

Chat Room Abbreviations

\_/ \_/......................Soda
(~~)? (~~)3..................Coffee mugs
(_)?.........................Tea cups (fine china)
(~)..........................Chilled cups of fresh juice
[%]D.........................Hot cocoa with mini marshmallows
(#$#$#$#$#$).................Plate of hash browns and onions
[:::] [:::]..................Poptarts for all
(sgeg)===....................Pan of scrambled eggs
<*)((((((>>><................Fish
<:))))><.....................Fish
<><..........................Fish
<3 <3 <3.....................Hearts
@-->-->-- ...................A rose
())))___crayola___)))>.......Crayola Crayon
(::waving::).................Waving
{{{a screen name here}}}.....Personal Cyber hugs
{{{ }}}......................Lots of Hugs
:) .........................Smile or :o) ......with round nose
(:D) ........................Big Grin
:o...........................Surprised
:O...........................REALLY Surprised
:D...........................Laughing/smiling :oD.....with nose
:+ or :o+..................Kiss
:* or :o*..................Whistle
;) or ;o)..................Wink
:x or :ox..................My lips are sealed
}:(..........................Mad
=)...........................Smiley face
:( or :o(..................Frown
:'( or :,( or :,o(..........Crying
0:)..........................Angel (Halo is a zero)
(\O/)........................Angel
\o/ \o/ \o/..................Praising God

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much
greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. That is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Five-year-old Missy answered the door when the Mailman came by. She told the Mailman that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the Mailman, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen Hundred dollars, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

A bloke has locked his car keys inside his vehicle. He stands by the side of his car looking completely fed up when a chap walks up and asks him what the problem is.

"I've locked my car keys in my car and can't get in," says the first individual.
"No problem mate." says the second chap. "Stand to one side and I'll get you in."

The first chap does as he's asked and stands to one side. The second chap moves in front of the door handle, turns around, and rubs his bum against the door lock. Almost instantly the car door unlocks.

"Strewth!" says the first fella, "How did you manage that?"
"Easy," says the second bloke, "I'm wearing my Khaki trousers."

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."

Euroenglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

A newspaper editor announces that there's enough money in the budget to install a newsroom chandelier. The reporters huddle and send a spokesman to say they're against it.

"Against it? Why?" the editor asks.

"First," the reporter says, "no one on the staff can spell 'chandelier' well enough to put it on an order form. Second, I don't believe that anybody here can play one if we had it. And third, if you got that much money, we think you should get a hanging light instead, to brighten up the office!"

"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners.

The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways. Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young man expressed his regret and the older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, "It is I before Thee, except after She!"

Actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:
"Let's do this in one foul sweep." - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
"This is unparalyzed in the state's history." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"I am filled with humidity." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"I move we recess to go outside and throw up." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing
"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." - Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

"This is a real competitive business." - A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
"There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." - Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"Which one is that?"
"I just voted the way my wife told me to; she knew what it was." - Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how he had voted on the ONLY proposition on the Texas ballot

"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

"If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen..." - Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

Joke collection, an exaltation of larks, a conspiracy of ravens and a charm of finches.
How about:
a hassle of errands,
a magnum of hit-men,
a quarrel of lawyers,
a shortage of dwarves,
a sulk of teenagers,
a plunder of goons.
an encroachment of fence-builders.
a fascination of on-lookers/listeners.
an embellishment of fishermen.
a treachery of spies.
a thrombosis of heart specialists.
a vagary of impediments.
a minuscule of sub-atomic particles.
a conflagration of arsonists/pyromaniacs.
an assassination of gangsters.
a mixture of pharmacists.
an incantation of witches/wizards/warlocks.
a density of meatheads.
an obfuscation of philosophers/politicians/economists.
a clutch of mechanics.
a phile of lovers.
a spider of webmasters.
a clique of computer mice.
a plurality of collectives.
an enterprise of trekkies.
a 404 of lost web pages.
a ___ of nihilists.
a brace of orthodontists.
a somephony of music critics.
a remora of lawyers. -- (look up 'remora' - it's worth it)

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.......... Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking.... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..... Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first...... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.................….... Annoying
Gentle.............…... Comatose
Good Listener......... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........ Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded.......... Desperate
Outgoing............. Loud
Passionate............ Loud
Poet............…....... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque........... Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height........Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow............……..... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart......…... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking.... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first....... As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun...............…..... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......... Arrogant
Honest............…..... Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature..............…... Until you get to know him
Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet...........…....... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual.....…......... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable............…..... Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

New Meanings/Old Words… For the scholars out there, The Washington Post recently had a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply possible alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries...

Abdicate - v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly - adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph - v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle - n., a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude - n., formal, dignified demeanor assumed by proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes - n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Asperity - n., the notion that all buttheads are created equal.
Askew - v., turning your head to sneeze.
Fibrilation - n., excessive embellishment of a lie.
Feeble - n., nickname for a popular German compact car.
Libation - n. a happy gathering of intoxicants.
Furlong - n., hairy guy.
Dichotomy - n., an operation to separate argumentative Siamese twins.
Lexicon - n., person incarcerated by the Word Police.
Abutment - adj., a condition women inherit from their mothers.
Anticlimax - n., finding out he isn't into cunnilingus.
Congenital - n., Bubba-the-Butt-Pirate, in the cell next door.
Morass - n., the condition of a sexaholic finding himself unable to leave the massage parlor.
Crevasse - n., prostitute with deep cleavage.
Cuirass - n., guess!
Gyrate - n., what a cuirass charges for services.
Social Security - n., an American Express card with no spending limit.
Ventricle - n., moisture seeping in through the worn-out seal on your car window.
Phallus - adj., untrue.
Diatribe - n., an extinct group of Aborigines, who ascribed to the belief that the more you yelled at your neighbors, the closer you came to God.

Take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!
1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like
, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10) Glibido: All talk and no action.
11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the liter(ature):
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

This I have never understood:
We chop down trees but chop up wood;
We draw down wrath, we draw up wills,
We run down foes, we run up bills;
We eat food up, we down a drink,
Which is a little strange, I think.
We turn down offers, turn up noses--
Just one last thought and then this closes:
We should remember, we poor clowns,
That life is full of ups and downs.

Oxymorons... Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline Food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream American history
Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow
Childproof "Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Taped live
Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Temporary tax increase Computer jock
Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks
Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Working vacation
Exact estimate Microsoft Works

Ever know anyone like this?
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain, it would be lonely
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Sky light leaks a little
Slinky's kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too much yardage between the goal posts

A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in artificial stupidity
A few beers short of a six pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One taco short of a combination plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off his cracker
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

Why English is a Pain to Learn

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

DICTIONARY OF DATING

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw, which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

34. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Medical definitions
Artery The study of paintings
Barium What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section A district in Rome
Colic a sheep dog
Coma a punctuation mark
Congenital Friendly
Dilate To live long
Fester Quicker
GI Series Baseball game between teams of soldiers
Grippe A suit case
Hangnail A coat hook
Medical Staff A doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrate Lower than the day rate
Node Was aware of
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Post operative A letter carrier
Protein In favor of young people
Secretion Hiding anything
Serology Study of English Knighthood
Tablet A small table
Tumor An extra pair
Urine Opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins Veins which are very close together
Another definition of gross... biting into a hot dog and finding a vein!
Peter Pan. Isn't that a washbasin in a whorehouse?

Definitions
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (like groovy, man)
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer, ya know.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

ClubMed - a mental institution
Mumbezlement- stealing small change from your wife/mother's purse. Love the jokes, keep em comin'
Buffarilla- a woman who is to big to be a buffalo and to ugly to be a gorilla.
Sexercise: what you get when you put two athletes in bed together.
Tinkletorium: a rich toddler's bathroom
Sexellent- something so good it can only be described in terms of sex. Like ice cream, a pie, chocolate.
Baby Wipes: {adjective} the motion used by hemmoroid sufferers.
'S wordplay - act of distracting your fencing partner with verbal abuse.
Confidance - when you think you're Fred Astaire as you trip the light fantastic.
Rectrocranial Inversion as in having your head up your ass.
Influtuation: The act of holding gas while on a date with someone you like.
Foxymoron - The perfect blind date.
Ballerooney - A male ballet dancer.

Gooker - The difference between someone who is a gawker and a looker. (Hence the sore neck muscles afterwards)
Superbilious - billing practices of credit card companies so that no matter how often or much is paid, the bill is always "Now Due."
Disco Worker - As I put stuff on the shelves I said "Dis go here & dis go there! So I must be a Disco worker.
Hangever - The eternity that it takes to feel like you are NOT going to die from drinking too much the night before.

ClockSucker= someone who milks the clock.i.e.it took you fivehours to do that where normally it takes an hour. or what I do for a living...lol

Optus-rectum- a medical condition in which the nerves of ones eyes & ass get crossed & one has a shitty outlook on life.

1.ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
2.LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

3.DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

4.BIRTH CONTROL: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

5.EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

6.EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

7.FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

8.INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

9.INTERESTING: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

10.IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

11.LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
12.NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
13.SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

15.DRUNK: A condition in which it is possible to believe you are still in love.

16.INDIFFERENCE: The act of ignoring your totally naked and panting girlfriend unless she has the entire Monday Night Game plan tattooed auspiciously on her chest.

17.DINNER WITH FRIENDS: The act of going out with each other in public without actually having to speak to each other.

18.CHEATING: The act of associating horniness with a particular person other than your partner (possible cause: see INDIFFERENCE)

QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

BERLITZ GUIDE TO THE OFFICE LANGUAGE

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginningjust above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphereare often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problemsthey were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected ofplanning to leave the company or department soon.

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you've just made a BIG mistake, like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Alternate meanings for various words.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Learn a new word each day:
Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with.
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

(_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass (_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass (_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop sided ass {_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around (_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) "Get off my ass."

(_zzz_) a tired ass (_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass (_?_) dumb ass

Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letters received by Welfare Department in Application for Support.)

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
8. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
9. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
10. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
11. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference?
12. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
13. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
14. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his character.
15. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

17. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
2000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1Billygram
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1bananosecond
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
10 cards: 1 decacards
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Add this:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (like groovy, man)
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer, ya know.

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