The next one takes a shot of whiskey and says, "I'm so tough, I roll up D-con and smoke it."
The last one takes his shot of whiskey and proceeds toward the door when the other two ask where he's going. He says, "I am going home to screw the cat!"
A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell and the wife answers.
"Hi. Is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
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