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Henry's new job had him spending a lot of time on the road, and out of concern for his wife's safety he visited a pet shop to look at watchdogs."I have just the dog for you," said the salesman, showing him a miniature Pekinese.

"Come on," Henry protested, "that little thing couldn't hurt a flea."

"Ah, but he knows karate," the salesman replied. "Here, let me show you." He pointed to a cardboard box and ordered, "Karate the box!"

Immediately the dog shredded it. The salesman then pointed to an old wooden chair and instructed, "Karate the chair!" The dog reduced the chair to match-sticks.

Astounded, Henry bought the dog. When he got home, Henry announced that he had purchased a watchdog, but his wife took one look at the Pekinese and unimpressed. "That scrawny thing couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag!" she said.

"But this Pekinese is special," Henry insisted. "He's a karate expert."

"Now I've heard everything," Helen replied. "Karate my ass!"

*****
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this."

Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day.You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day.You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races,everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

Guy: Well, no I'm not.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

*****

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