- International English
- In a Tokyo Hotel:
- Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
- In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
- The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
- In a Paris hotel elevator:
- Please leave your values at the front desk.
- In a hotel in Athens:
- Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
- In a Yugoslavian hotel:
- The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
- In a Japanese hotel:
- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
- In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
- You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
- On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
- Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
- In a Rhodes tailor shop:
- Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
- From the Soviet Weekly:
- There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
- It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
- In a Zurich hotel:
- Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
- In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
- Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
- In a Rome laundry:
- Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time
- Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
- Would you like to ride on your own ass?
- In a Bangkok temple:
- It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
- In the office of a Roman doctor:
- Specialist in women and other diseases
- From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
- When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
- Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
- - English well speaking
- Here speeching American.
- In an Acapulco hotel:
- The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Chris, December 13, 1997
- Experience
- I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. [Age 7]
- I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". [Age 7]
- I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. [Age 9]
- I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. [Age 13]
- I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. [Age 13]
- I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict. [Age 15]
- I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. [Age 24]
- I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. [Age 29]
- I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. [Age 29]
- I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. [Age 39]
- I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. [Age 41]
- I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. [Age 44]
- I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. [Age 46]
- I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. [Age 46]
- I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. [Age 49]
- I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. [Age 50]
- I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. [Age52]
- I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. [Age 58]
- I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. [Age 62]
- I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. [Age 64]
- I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. [Age 65]
- I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. [Age 66]
- I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. [Age 72]
- I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. [Age 73]
- I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. [Age 82]
- I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. [Age 85]
Chris, December 9, 1997
- Exothermic or Endothermic?
A true story: A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell, and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Chris, September 1, 1997
- Scientific Answers
Student's interpretation of the scientific (and not so scientific) facts about the surrounding world:
- "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
- "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
- "To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
- "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
- "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
- "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogyn is gin and water."
- "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
- "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
- "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
- "The moon is a planet just like Earth, only it is even deader."
- "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
- "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
- "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
- "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
- "The body consists of three parts-the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a,e,i,o, and u."
- "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
Thomas C. Hollocher, Biochemistry Department, Brandeis
Eleni, November 22, 1996
