At the time I wrote this it had only been 2 weeks since I buried my sons...October 9,1997.

I saw you for the first, and last time...until we meet again in heaven. But it seems like forever. Then again, sometimes it feels like it never happened at all. It just seems so un-real. I never expected to lose my babies. I never expected for something to go wrong with my pregnancy. But it did. We found out we were having twins, and we were thrilled. Ecstatic! We knew we were blessed beyond measure. A few weeks after finding out, we went in to find out the sex of both of the babies. They told us they were boys. We already had a son, Austin. He's our joy, so we couldn't wait until our twins were born. Unfortunately on the same visit, is when we found out there was a problem...a very serious problem. Todd's stomach was filled with fluid. He had a hole in his bladder. We were referred to a perinatologist. So over the rest of my pregnancy there were lows, extreme lows. And then we'd find a little hope just to have it taken back away from us. During this time Toby was fine...progressing normally. At 21 weeks, the doctor asked if we wanted to do selective termini nation to stop Todd's heart so that Toby could keep getting all the nourishment he needed to keep growing. Although we knew Todd's chances of surviving were fading, we couldn't choose one over the other. We felt like it was God choice to make, not ours. And 3 days later we were back at the doctor's and that's when we learned we had lost our littlest angel. Toby's heart had stopped beating for no apparent reason. We could not have lived with ourselves if we had terminated Todd, only to come back 3 days later to find out we had lost Toby too. So we are thankful God spared us the pain of making that decision. The doctors said Toby must have had problems that weren't detected by all the tests. So we probably would have lost him even if we had decided on selective termination. We lost Toby Wayne at 22 weeks. He was supposed to be the healthy one. So it was truly a shock. But Todd kept up with the battle. He was a little fighter to the end! At 37 weeks Samuel Todd was born by a c-section. I was In surgery for over 4 hours. My uterus was torn, and they had to remove my left ovary. My little man held on for me though, with the help of some wonderful nurses & doctors. And I held him, while the nurses hand ventilated him. I spoke to Todd and told him I loved him and was so sorry for his suffering. He opened his little eyes and looked up at me. The doctor said it was amazing because they had been trying to get him to respond to them and open his eyes. But they hadn't succeeded. I was holding Todd when he took his last little breath. If Todd had lived he would've had to undergo many, many surgeries. Because in the end he had severe problems with his bladder, kidneys, and lungs. And in my heart I know if he had of survived, the pain he would have had to go through would have been truly unbearable for him. So I thank God for taking my babies. So that now they will never know pain or suffering. And when the day comes, and we see them again they will be happy, healthy, and whole. That is what gets us through...though we all are heartbroken. I always knew these babies would be little angels! I just thought they would be angels here on earth. Very quickly I just want to say, everything we experienced was not negative. There are positives in our situation. Our family understands now more than ever, how important we all are to each other. We are closer as a family, we feel closer to God, and we express ourselves more openly about our love for each other. And no matter what, we always keep Toby and Todd in our hearts. We buried Toby and Todd in a single white casket. So that their bodies would be together in death as they were in their short lives. And as their souls are in heaven, together, side by side. We love you and cherish what little time we had with you. You will always be in our hearts.

Love always,

Momma, Daddy, & Austin

I'd also like to say: Please don't forget the surviving siblings... they are hurting too. They're more affected than people may realize. Offer your condolences to them. I noticed in our situation, some people tended to overlook Austin...as if he was somehow immune to the pain because of his age. Even the youngest of children feel the pain and the loss. Please keep them in your prayers. And a special "Thank You" to all who took a few minutes to reach out to Austin. It meant the world to him and us.

Britt,

I remember the day we found out we were expecting. I remember the day I told you we were having twins, it was one of the few times you didn't go to the appointment with me. I remember the next appointment when you did go, and we found out there was something wrong with Baby A. (Todd).

I remember the ride home. I remember calling our parents. I remember you having to speak with callers, because I couldn't handle it.

I remember our first trip to Northside to see the specialist. I remember it all well.

I remember us telling Austin we were having twins. He was giddy with happiness. I remember him telling everyone we met "we're having 2 babies!!" I also remember us telling him our babies could die because they were sick. I remember him crying. I remember you going with me to the ob/gyn and the perinatologist between 3-5 times a week. I remember the long drives from Jasper to Northside Hospital...the anxious, sometimes almost unbearable ride...because we feared it would be worse than the previous visit. I remember the pained look on your face every time I was stuck with an amino needle. I remember thinking it was hurting you more than me. I remember your helping me to and from the car when I could barely do it on my own, because of some procedure done to me and the babies.

I remember the relief when we were given a little uplifting news, and the heartache when it would be twice as bad on our next visit.

I remember the day we lost Toby. I remember you looking tired and sad...sadder than I've ever seen you. I remember you driving to the hospital every day, when I was admitted for bed rest after working long hours. I remember crying when you had to leave me, but I knew Austin needed you more. I remember your asking me not to cry. But I couldn't help it. I just wanted to be at home with my family.

I remember September 22,1997...the drive...the sickness in my stomach, and just wanting to drive away and keep them with me forever. I remember being admitted and being taken to surgery. I remember looking at you during surgery, and seeing all in your eyes. You were scared...I saw my fear reflected in you eyes.

Afterward, I remember holding our son, Todd. I remember him taking his last breath. I remember seeing you cry. I remember you being with me at the hospital all week. Monday to Saturday. Even though you felt you should be at the funeral home, I couldn't bear being left alone at that hospital with no babies. So I remember you staying. Thank You.

I remember us leaving the hospital...crying because we had no new baby to take home. I remember well because the day we left was the day we had to bury our sons. I remember going to the funeral home. I remember friends and family. I remember the service, the music, the weather and the long drive to the cemetery to bury our children. I remember going home to an empty house, and crying. I remember many things. But thru all this, what I remember the most is that you were there the entire time, never leaving me...always caring...never judging my decisions...loving me unconditionally...being my very best friend. I love you more than I could ever express to you. Thank you for struggling thru this and being there when I needed you most.

You are my hero.

My Love Forever, Michelle