This essay was written in 1998. I am absolutely still polyamorous, but my life has changed dramatically. I hope that the information contained in this essay is still valuable to those living poly lifestyles.
Those issues have been worked out over the course of the past three years. Sometimes that process has been easy - other times, extremely difficult. For awhile, Chris was afraid to come home, because it felt like we were in group therapy all the time, and the relationship had begun to feel like it was too much work. We had to consciously stop analyzing things so much - and remember to relax and have fun. Life got a lot better after that.
The key point is that there has to be a LOT of communication. I expect that's true in most poly relationships - far more so than in simple dyads. Openness, honest, and communication were especially vital in the beginning, when we were establishing our roles and relationships, etc.
In purely practical terms (i.e., who does what?) - "Many hands make happy work," right? It's much easier to get things done when we all pitch in. Each of us has individual talents to contribute. There are some things that several of us do well, so we share those responsibilities. There are some things (though I can't think of any offhand) that none of us does very well, so we talk about them and decide together how best to handle them.
Chris and Misty are the "regular" cooks. They make sure there's always something on the table. I'm the gourmet, but I only cook when I'm in the mood. I teach the kids to cook and we have a great time together. Vince never cooks.
We're all responsible for keeping our personal areas clean, though some of us are more thorough than others. I must confess that cleanliness/messiness has been an issue for us. I tend to be very neat and organized, while the rest of the family tends towards sloppiness.
I hate feeling like I have to clean up after everyone, but they don't always do such a good job of cleaning up after themselves - and I can't bear to live with that much chaos. So, we've got some baggage about that. OTOH, they're doing SOOOOO much better than they were. Everyone does household chores, including the kids.
Usually Vince. We have one fairly firm rule about dishes - whoever cooks does NOT have to do dishes. They also don't usually have to deal with putting leftovers away. Since Vince never cooks, he often does dishes - which he doesn't mind. Having a dishwasher is a major plus, when it comes to poly families.
We consider ourselves a family. If one of us wanted to get a pet, we'd discuss the pros and cons and make a decision together. Vince and I came into the relationship with a puppy, two geriatric cats, and a teenage son.. Misty and Chris came into it with two young girls (one with ADD). I figure we're about even on dependents. :-}
We've had to do a lot of trial and error with this one. I think it's important to realize that your options are always open. There were times that we felt "stuck" in a particular arrangement, and we didn't like it.
Originally (before we moved in together) we thought we'd get a California King-sized bed and all share a room. That would have been a big mistake. Dyad time is as necessary as Quad time, and having one's own space is very important too.
In the beginning of our live-in relationship, we tried a two-week rotation. That was way too long (on the off weeks), especially for those of us with NRE. Then we tried a week, then alternating days. Then Misty felt left out because we were only sleeping with the guys. For awhile we had a fairly complicated rotation, in terms of who was in which room, what bed, and with whom. Aaagh!
What we've found that works best for our particular Poly relationship - Misty has her own room. I have my own room. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I'm with V. On Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, I'm with C. On Sunday, Misty sleeps in my room. It's also important to note that who we're sleeping with on any given night isn't necessarily who we make love with that night (if anyone).
Same as with pets. It's generally a household decision, particularly if it's something pricey. In general, I'm given carte blanche. I'm the resident decorator/crafter/artist/homemaker, so they usually let me handle decor.
Everyone, including the kids. It depends on whether it's a bulk warehouse run, weekly shopping, or picking up a few items. It depends on who has time. It depends on what store is on the way home from work. It depends on how desperately someone needs something. Etc., etc., etc.
This can be a touchy subject for a lot of Polies, probably even more than traditional couples. In our case, it was actually relatively easy. Once we had lived together for awhile and felt committed to each other, we decided to combine all finances - assets, debts, investments, everything.
Misty is very good at handling finances, particularly in keeping computer records of transactions, bills, and so forth. I was happy to turn that chore over to her. She actually enjoys it! Chris also takes care of finances, credit card shuffling, etc.
We have a bank account that has all four of our names on it, so we can all write checks on the account, withdraw money, etc.
Two words - Computer Geeks. Vince is a Computer Programmer/Analyst in Denver. Misty is a Computer Specialist/Administrative Assistant in Denver. They commute together. Chris is a Computer Support Specialist, dealing with computer experts internationally. He works from home, which is a great convenience and joy to me. I'm sort of a "housewife," I guess.
Financially speaking, this relationship has been wonderful for us. I used to have to go to work, when I'd rather be a stay-at-home mom. Now I can stay home and do the things I do best, without causing financial strain. Misty used to have to stay home with the kids because she couldn't afford child care. This relationship has solved both problems. I can stay home with the kids - like I want, and Misty can work outside of the home - like she wants. Everyone wins. I feel sorry for nuclear families, who have fewer choices than we...
Here's another important one, IMO. The fidelity issue is one that should probably be discussed in advance, and a policy agreed on. As with everything else, though, it should be understood that these agreements are open to negotiation, rather than being totally inflexible.
We went through a somewhat difficult time when I had a Secondary lover (J), outside of the family. That was shortly after we all moved in together, and we hadn't really discussed the possibility of other relationships yet.
Eventually Chris became uncomfortable with my involvement with J, and our relationship started to suffer. Fortunately, Chris chose to talk to me about it before the damage was irreparable. I immediately ended the other relationship. J and I are still friends and that's acceptable to everyone. J had known in advance that if my family were adversely affected, the sexual relationship with him would be over, and he had agreed to that.
Afterwards the four of us discussed what would be "acceptable" in the future. We wrote up a set of guidelines (not rules, not a contract - let's not get into that argument again!) that were agreeable to all of us.
It is a lot of questions (and I hope you're all bearing with my answers), but these are important issues. They can make or break a new Poly family (or even an established one). Sometimes it's the "little issues" that do the most damage.
What it really boils down to for us is honesty, openness, communication. That means we try to share our feelings, instead of holding them in. We try to let each other know when we have a problem with something, before it becomes too big. Sometimes we screw up - but we do the best we can.
In many ways, it is harder. In others, it's easier. Poly relationships work, though they take a lot of work to make them work, know what I mean?
We have some problems now. We've had problems in the past. I'm sure we will continue to have problems in the future. Such is life. (Shrug) The rewards tend to make the hard work and the problems worthwhile, though... IMNSHO!
Obviously, we don't have that kind of "traditional" division. We all take care of each other. Everyone spoils me terribly (not that I'm complaining, mind you). Because I'm partially disabled, I get taken care of a lot; but we all do what we can to make life easier and more pleasant for each other.
Ugh. I hate that. There's a little of that, in terms of cleaning the house. I hate nagging, but I hate living in a pigsty even more...
The first year together has got to be the hardest! There were many times when I wanted to pack it in - mostly because of the disparity in our messiness tolerances. Thank the Goddess for NRE!
I think everyone has money issues, to some degree or other. Yes, it can be far more complicated in a group situation, but it can certainly be worked out.
I don't know if you'd consider us a success (after only a few years), but I think we are - and will continue to be. I have a couple of suggestions, learned the hard way...
1) If two people have an issue, let them deal with it on their own - unless they ask for mediation. The biggest arguments we've ever had have happened when one of the others got involved in a Dyad dispute. Someone would always feel ganged up on, etc. and people got real defensive, real fast. Obviously, your own personalities and methods of handling conflict may vary...
2) Particularly in the initial stages, it was important for each of us to feel that we had a certain amount of control over what was happening. We agreed that any of us could call a Time-out (or Hold) when they felt uncomfortable with something. I think each of us called a Hold at least once...
I didn't like it when Misty called a hold on sexual relations between Chris and myself, but I honored her feelings and we dealt with it and moved forward. Sometimes sex and NRE can actually get in the way of establishing a solid relationship. The time-out enabled us to focus our energy on other things. Then we could get back to the sex!
I think I'll end on that note. :-D
09/24/07