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Troubled souls and confused seekers have climbed the mountain and asked the Glowing Guru for an answer. Share the wonder as you browse the questions and replies. (Newest ones are at the bottom. Seek your own enlightenment here.) |
O Nuclear One, can you tell me what is in bowling balls? Dear Curious, holes are in bowling balls. Otherwise, they'd be terrible candle holders. Will I meet the man of my dreams? Dear Misty, yes you will. But, unfortunately, he'll be trapped in a woman's body. can you describe the energy resource of nuclear fission? if you do tell me. thank you !!!! Dear bullfrog, I do not split up, and what I release is not normally considered "energy" even though it excites others to leave, but the resources are usually small, kidney-shaped, with an outer skin and a smooth internal texture, and belong to the legume family. Is it true that if buttered toast (which always lands buttered side down) is strapped, buttered-side up, to the back of a cat (which always land on their feet) and dropped from an arbitrary height, will they hover in mid air, rotating rapidly? And if so, how would I go about harnessing that power? Dear Phobos, there are three problems with your theory. First, getting the cat to hold still while you attach the buttered toast is the biggest challenge. Second, the effect is only temporary, as the butter absorbs into the toast and the centrifugal force then dislodges the soggy toast from the cat's back. Third, why go through so much trouble when a perfectly good extension cord will do? Have you seen the price of butter these days? Why does the Sun shine? Dear Tom, because it's lemon yellow. Lemon Pledge™ makes furniture shine; the Sun is so chock full of lemony freshness, it's downright radiant. (Warning: Do not look at the Sun to see your reflection.) Should I keep having people call me Kate (Katie) or start preferring Katherine? Dear K8/KT/Katherine, I think you should demand that people call you Paeiness, Queen of the Eviscerators. Although you might prefer they call you MacArthur Parker, so you can sing that cake-in-the-rain song. Being a former employee of Oak Ridge, I already glow in the dark, so my question is, "will Nuclear Toast transmute my glow to the far ultra-violet faster than it decays to black?" Dear Bill, oooo, sorry, I left my glow transmuter on my other web page... Where am I? Dear Crandall, do you mean right this second, or when you asked the question? how'd you get my screen to morph from white to black? also, if i ever update my page, can i put a link to your page on it? Dear alicia, the Toast Reactor is politically correct, so it morphs from white to African-American. You can link whatever you want, as long as you link a pinky to your shift key. Which is the better way to eat toast, butter side up or down? And wasn't this a Doctor Suess book, the Better Butter Battle book or something? Dear Paeiness, the best way to eat toast is with your teeth. And this wasn't (it is!), but that was. Why is the alphabet spelled that way? Dear Marc, so it would be easier to pronounce. (Hint: The "J" is silent.) Why do you want to know? Dear Justin, because if I don't, then I can't tell you. What is the half-life of nuclear toast? Dear Paul, according to the information in the Visitor Welcome Center, it's 264 years. But it doesn't say if that's in dog years. Why did I take your advice and visit your website, oh enLIGHTened one? Dear AD, it's either because you trust my advice, or because you are a helpless pawn in my cosmic chess game. MRUHAHAHA! what is a urainium 233 isotope ? Dear rogy333, "u-rain-ium" is a radioactive cloud element that causes rain. The 233 isotope causes rain in the mid-afternoon. what is the meaning of life? Dear Sono, it's a movie by Monty Python's Flying Circus. And it's also a brain exercise for unemployed people called "philosophers". Do you believe in the theory of relativity? That ones affection for their relatives is inversly proportional to their distance from them? Dear Nao... er, Prowler, I do not believe that theory. Not one bit. (Hi mom!) I need to know how to irradiate toast automatically when ever I wake up. The nuclear time bomb I'm currently using just doesn't cut it, I went through five different planets already and my dog'[s is streile for some apparent reason. HELP!!! Dear Grain, I think you have bigger problems than fixing breakfast. I recommend you find a veterinarian with a degree in quantum mechanics. I have this obsession with butter....I just can't seem to get beyond it. I have these reoccuring dreams about flailing in drawn butter. It is really annoying when I fall asleep and start dripping in class. Can you help me? Dear Vyvyan, stop singing "Rock Lobster" before you fall asleep. And try some anti-perspirant. Why Tab Instead Of Enter? Dear Magnus, because nobody wants to drink a diet soda named "Enter". Is Jeremy Gay? Dear Magnus, why don't you ask him out and see? If you get a black eye, I'd guess "No". Is Dr. Toast Telling The Truth? Dear Magnus, why wouldn't he be? As a Brother of the Order of Toast, he cannot tell a lie, unless it's rye. The Cow is? Dear Tuxedo Mask, the cow is a large, mobile hamburger-and-shake dinner wrapped in future footwear. who is your favourite spice girl? Dear Palesainty, I would have to say Astro Spice. She's a celestial seasoning that's outta this world! Where does my email go when I delete it, and does it have anything to do with track 5 on my Boxcar Willie CD skipping? Dear enigma, your email goes to a small town in Minnesota, where they write it down and send it to your mother. And no, those Boxcar Willie CDs do that. Master Toost....how does one attain wisdom? Dear Truth, wisdom is not a goal, but a journey that never ends. Some of us just drive at different speeds. ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Why dosomekeyboards really ssssssssuckSSS???? Dear Magnuss, it's not your keyboard. Your cat has been urinating on it. I cannot shake my obsession with the spice girls. can you help? Dear crystalspice, why would you want to? They have looks, talent, and an opening for a new spice. I've found that obsessions aren't necessarily bad, unless they issue a restraining order on you. Why is it that you refer to those who seek your advice as "grasshopper"? Dear Bucky, because I find grasshoppers cute, versatile little insects. And I can easily crush them if they offend me. Oh noble one who sits high on the mountain of knowledge, who's insight and perception lead to your being respected by all who are graced by your mere prsence, the one who\s aura shines brightly like a candle upon which gasoline has been wrecklessly spilt, oh CPU in our collective mother board, the question I have for you will test your knowledge to the limit of its un-paralleled limits... what happened to make my poor computer die??? why did it keel over and refuse to function no more, why did it have to suffer so? Is it to be uried with its cover on and off and what prayers should be said at the service? Dear Prowler, thank you for the kind words, you suck-up. As for your computer, nothing lasts forever. Its disposition, however, should be in accordance with your religious beliefs. For example, the Kmu'ukulu tribe of Africa sacrifice a goat over the dead computer, spilling blood on the memory chips, after which they set it afloat on a funeral raft with gifts of flowers and DOS 2.1 manuals to honor its computer ancestors. hmmmmmmm!!!!! not a question !!! just a thought i am allowed at least one before my question!! so toastie one how is it that i am not surprised that this web site is well planned and fun,, def. cannot look at it in a few minutes,,, Dear goo, please call me Mr. Toast in front of the visitors. As for the site planning, we are required to follow the dictates of the Nuclear Toast Regulatory Commission. And, as everyone knows, government rules can be pretty funny. what,in your opinion, is mouse-to-mouse?? can it save lives????? Dear evil-asker, it is a vital computer first aid procedure. Assuming, of course, that you have a willing computer nearby with a mouse you can use. And of course it saves lives... how else would we know about it? My underware is on a bit too tight what should I do? Dear CygnusX-1, you should take off that under"ware" before it damages your disk. #1 What type of butter does one put on Nuclear Toast? Dear Bigmama, 1. cocoa butter (I like chocolate); 2. not normally, it draws ants and funny looks; 3. neither accents my eyes, so I prefer a nice denim. Why does it rain? Where does rain come from before it's in the sky but after it's not water again? Dear Magnus, you silly! Everyone knows the rain goblins keep it in their rubber pants. How do I keep Judy? Dear Michael, since it's hard to find a really big jar and enough formaldehyde, I suggest taxidermy. Have you considered coming to Canada to grace your loyal fans north of your border with your presence? Dear una, no. If I had any fans, they wouldn't be loyal. And besides, everyone knows Canada is a frozen wasteland. INPUT "Are radioactive toast hazardous to your health??":= y/n Dear Pooper Scoober, I tried running your program, but it seemed more interested in trying to make it with my Solitaire game. And everyone knows that atomic power not only tastes good, it's good for you too. Howcome you have this almost psychotic obsession with toast? And why is the toast nuclear? Are you russian and have lived near Tjernobyl or is your toast artificially produced? What is the purpose of life and why is there only ONE Full Throttle game? BTW: Please solve this: Dear Schnüffel, it's not psychotic, it's therapeutic. Because. No, no or no. To make the perfect banana split and for the same reason you can't have two birthdays every year. By the way, do your own homework, you slacker. How do know if the guy i like, likes me too? Dear Dodger, because he'll really appreciate you for your Talents and Abilities. In one of my sports, I'm starting over an upperclassman. The person is very upset with me, I guess because I took away their starting position! What should I do? I want to keep my place on the team but I don't want her to not like me! Help! Dear Mo, tell her that you'd be glad to give her a few pointers if she wants them. Everyone likes someone who shares. What are the most common isotopes of "nuclear toast"? And does nuclear toast prefer to be buttered or dry? Dear Me, there are no common isotopes. And I prefer to remain dry, but you can butter me up any time. Dear Toast, WHY? Dear JLS, because if you pick at it, it'll never heal. What is the sound of one hand clapping? Dear Courtney, if you listen real close, you can hear the smart hand laughing at the dumb hand that's trying to clap. Why? Dear Ester, you have to give me a context. Or is this the beginning of a slow, agonizing journalism project? will i win the lotto? Dear mark, sheeyah, right. why is toast so nice? Dear I.P., because of court-mandated anger management classes. if strudel goes berserk, what is the most efficient manner of yodelling? Dear bill, in the panic that ensues When Strudels Go Bad! (on Fox, check your local listings), I doubt you'll have time to worry about technique. Just do-lay-dee-do it. is the world ending? Dear noah, no, they're just "love handles". Chill, dude. What is Nuclear Toast? and what else do you do in your spare time? and I really just don't get this site, please explain i'm very confused and simple minded Dear Xena, I'd love to explain it, but hey, look at the time. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the earth? Dear Kari-Ann, our R&D department has determined that the human tongue would never survive the rigors of subterranean excavation. Unless it's pierced with a diamond-studded drill bit, which of course needs replacing every 250,000 licks. What is the meaning of life? Dear God, holy crap, if You have to ask me, then I've got some packing to do. I got a situation up here in the control room. A trash truck severed the power cables to the cooling pumps, the hydraulic rod controls aren't responding, the pressure relief valves are welded shut, the turbine moters are dancin' around like Cuba Gooding, Jr at the oscars and that Regis millionare show is coming on in 45 minutes. What should I do? Dear tedj, there's probably a movie of the week that you can watch instead of that Regis millionaire show. What brings me to ask this question to which I could not care what the answer is? Dear Schizo, it wasn't you, it was one of the other voices. How do I get a job? Dear John, you can't. They replaced you with monkeys for a reason. what the hell is this site about? Dear zildjian, it's about me. Why else would you be here? What is more important, cleaning waste for man made disasters or watching rex hunt kiss fish? Help me please, I am scared that I will make the wrong decision! Dear Scooter, nobody hunts for kiss fish any more. Now clean up your room. What the hell is your dealio, yo? Word is spoke. Dear Richard Nixon, hey give a shout out to the peeps in the dead prez club for me.
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