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Editors Note: My son-in-law is a retarded little bastard and I have allowed him to write this column in order to pursue his quest for his 'identity'. I know I should be killed but please humor me and this moron. Thanks.

Race Views doesn't do stuff like commenting on t.v. commercials but we are very comprehensive in our coverage of the important things related to Winston Cup racing.

We have recently completed an exhaustive survey of what kind of pets your famous race car drivers have. The results are mind-numbing.

First of all, Dale Earnhardt doesn't have a Rottweiller - he has a little kitten named Cream Puff. She has her little #3 sweater and a bad attitude, if you get my drift. The other kittens know better than to try to pass her. Of course Jimmy Spencer has your basic Vietnamese, pot-bellied pig (who would have guessed ?) which he bought from Junior Johnson. Rusty Wallace has an elephant - they never forget. Geoffrey Bodine has a pink poodle with an earring. And Hoosier tire boots. So much for understatement.

Darrell Waltrip has a parrot which talks a lot. Says stuff like "I used to be a contender". Boring. The bird should be castrated. Michael Waltrip has no pets - or any victories, for that matter.

Jeff Gordon has a Great Dane named Evernham. The way this dog fetches all the time makes me want to puke. You don't know what slobber is until you've been around Evernham. I need to take a shower.

Mark Martin has a pit bull. No shock there. I think I'd rather tangle with the dog. Martin named him 'Muffy' so you can only imagine the identity crisis the dog has endured. His teammate Jeff Burton tried the pit bull deal but it didn't work out. Jeff settled for a hamster. And an order of fries.

My new favorite driver, Kyle Petty , is a real animal lover. He once owned six buckle-bunnies.

One of the stranger pet-owners is Johnny Benson. He's got an ostrich who sticks her head in the sand at the beginning of each race. Go figure !

We could regale you with pet stories forever, but this isn't one of those 'wannabe' pages. Our stuff is pithy. Trust me. I don't lisp.

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