This is not a GH story? but I got a response from my post about this experience and though it is even hard to think about writing this I want to?  maybe it'll help me? I hope.  This is REAL? it HAPPENED? to ME?. Tuesday.  The people are real and this is how it happened? from the begining of the night.  I will write it like a story, but I will not use last names.

"Hey!  You coming Kel?"

I laughed.  "Yeah?I'm on my way." 

And so I got in my car and headed to Jenne's apartment.  There were a lot of people there.  There was Jenne, of course.  And Adam, her boyfriend.  Adam and I, we aren't close, but we get along.  He's a funny guy.  A real funny guy? I have always thought that he was you know, Jenne's friend and my acquaintance.  There was an old acquaintance of Adam's there named Mike, whom I did not know.  And there was Jazz(guy) and Anna, a couple, the coolest people, and Anna's sister Jennifer, which was confusing? two Jen's? a Jenne and a Jenny.   Miranda was also there? she and Jenne share the apartment.  Two friends of Jenne's and Miranda's, Johnny and Chris, were painting a mural on Jenne's wall, and they didn't really associate with us too much.

Jenne, Adam, and Mike were rolling.  Rolling is what you call the high you get when you take Ecstasy.    I have never taken it, and never will thanks to that night.  But anyway.  Jazz and Anna and Jennifer, her sister, were high.  The night was pretty cool.  But there was a lot of tension in the beginning between Jazz and Mike, because apparently he had been flirting with Anna and Jennifer.  I did not know it at the time, but he had been vulgarly hitting on them, asking who could he lick and who would want to be on top? this all happened before I got there, so I had no idea? I just thought Jazz was being overprotective.

Ecstasy is somewhat of an aphrodisiac for most.  Jenne and Adam were very much all over each other all night.  It also doesn't let you think straight.  So, I was the only one there sober enough to drive, along with Jennifer.  Mike needed to go to a friend's house.  I was sober? he was a friend of Adam's? "Okay! I'll drive you."

(*This is where I will start with the dialogue*)

"I'm sorry? I'm just? well? ya know!"  Adam told me as he hugged me good bye.

"Wait? we're going with them."  Jenne said.

Adam made a sad face.  "Noooo?. Nooo?. We'ere gonna stay here Jenne? come on!"  He said, suggestively wagging his eyebrows.  Jenne laughed.

I told Jenne it was cool? that I would bring Mike and go on home so she and Adam could get their groove on.  Thought nothing of bringing him home.  So we hugged them goodbye, again, and walked to my car.  Off we started.  We listened to Red Hot Chili Peppers practically all the way.  I didn't know where we were going so I was relying on hi m to get me there. 

We stopped at Walgreens and he bought me a coke.  He was so nice, and smiling at me? I liked him.  He was cool.  Funny? interesting.  "Will you do me a favor?"

I laughed.  "What?"

"Give me a blowjob?"

He's GOT to be joking.  I laughed.  "No thanks."

"Come on?. Please?  You don't understand."

Dude.  "No."  I said laughing harder, still thinking it was a joke.

We were on one of those back roads? you know, the kind where it's all turns and trees.  "Please? I won't tell anyone.. unless you want me to."

I laughed? again.  "No."

This repeated for so many times that it would be too monotonous to tell you.  It was a repetition of "Please???  Why not????  You don't understand? I'm rolling SO hard? you don't understand.  I'll keep it quiet? no one has to know."  We'll call this the "refrain."

After about the thousandth no he was quite agitated.  "I'm gonna take it out?. I just want you to look at it."  One guess what "it" was.  "Look."

***Refrain***

"Touch it."

I laughed, trying to calm my nerves.  "No!"  I said loudly.  He grabbed my arm and started to take it off the wheel.  I still have no idea where we are going or if I am even going in the right direction.  He started pulling on my hand, pulling it towards his crotch.  I jerked my hand away.  "What the fvck?!"

"I just want you to tell me if you think it's small? girls say it's small."

"No way man."  I said.  My heart was totally pounding in my chest.  I could hardly breath.  Kinda like I feel just writing it right now? but anyway? I put my hands back on the wheel, clutching it.

He grabbed it again, I gripped harder.  "Not gonna happen.  Stop it."  I told him. 

***Refrain.***

"Where are we?"  I asked. 

"I don't know." He said.  I was freaked out already and now I was near panic.  I decided then and there, sorry Jenne and Adam, but here I come!

I turned the car around.  "Give me a kiss."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Cause I don't KNOW you."  I said, trying to control my voice? I didn't want him to know I was scared.

"Will you give me a blowjob?"

"NO!!!"

"WHY NOT?!!!  It's not like I'll never talk to you again.  I have your number."

I had to laugh at that? how ridiculous.

***Refrain again***

"Give me a kiss?."

"N?o?o?o."  I said slowly.

And ofcourse, timing of all timing?. A red light hits.  He grabs for my face, forcing me to face him.  No matter how hard I tried to turn away, I couldn't? he kissed me.  My heart stopped? I ran the red light.  He didn't even notice?. But he let go of me face.

But his hands didn't stop.  "Please? I think you're pretty?"  His hand touched my leg.

***Oh god, if I let go of the wheel, he'll grab my hand and have it for good? but if I don't he'll touch me."

"And I think your sexy? and I'm so horny?"  His hand reached between my legs and he flicked his finger tips against?. You know what I'm talking about.  My heart stopped again.  I pushed his hands away, quickly putting my hands back on the wheel.

"Why are you being so difficult? I thought you were into me?  Am I ugly?"  He grabbed my chest? I pulled his hand away again, grabbing the wheel tightly again afterwards? I got on the interstate to go back to Jenne's? but I still had a good fifteen minutes.   If I went the speed limit? it was 60? I went at the least 80.

"Pull over."

"No? it's not gonna happen."  I told him, trying not to cry as he put his hands back on my private area.  I grabbed his hands and shoved them back off me.  He was too messed up to realize we were heading back to Jenne's for quite awhile.

"WHY NOT?!!!  I thought you liked me!  I thought we could hook up!"  He yelled, looking at me.

I glared at him.  "Oh, I see, your philosophy is fvck first and THEN try to get to know each other."

"What?!  Are you afraid?"

"Yeah."  I said, sounding like I wasn't? an act.  I think I mostly sounded mad.

"Why?"

"I'm a virgin."

"So am I."

LIE!!!  I knew for a fact, plus it contradicted what he had told me earlier in the car ride.

Finally, he looked around.  "Where are we going?"

"To Jenne's."

"WHY?!"

"Cause, I don't trust you.   You won't quit fvcking with me."

"I'll quit."

"Right."  Ahh, thank God? we're at Jenne's complex?. I can see the garage.

"I swear to God."

I laughed.  "That's pretty fvcked up, cause I don't believe you."

"Okay, FINE!  I swear on my dead brother."

I laughed even more.  "That's even worse? CAUSE I STILL DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"

"WELL FVCK YOU THEN!"

We parked.  "Look, we'll just tell them they weren't there okay?"  I told him.  A lie? to get him to willingly come out of my car and into Jenne's apartment.

"Fine."  There wasn't sh!t he could do but comply? or attack me in the parking lot with people outside (thank GOD for that!)

I pounded and pounded and pounded on the door and finally Chris answered it.  I walked past him and Mike followed.  I went back to Jenne's room, their fling already interrupted by the pounding.  They saw us.  "Huh?"  Jenne asked, completely confused.

She saw my face.  "What?"  Adam stayed in the room as well. 

"It's fvcked up? it's fvcked up."  Is all I could say.  Adam crouched in front of me and Johnny called Jenne in the den.

"I'll be back."

Adam stayed crouched in front of me.  "What happened?"

"He's gonna rape somebody sometime Adam."

"I know?"  His face dropped.  "What'd he do?"

I started to tell him and Johnny and Jenne and Chris stood in the doorway? Jenne heard me say he pried my hands off the wheel and she bolted into the den.  "What the fvck?. What the FVCK?!"  I heard her yell? everyone but me left to follow her? I stayed in her room and lit a cigarette.

Mike? MIKE came in there and APOLOGIZED?. Like that makes it okay?!!!  I still had yet to cry.  Adam came in there and said why don't we all go in the den.  It doesn't even matter what happened between when we went in there and when his ride showed up? all I did was stare at the floor, aware of Adam's eyes on me the whole time.

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY he left.  I sat down on the couch and Adam sat beside me.  Jenne pulled a chair in front of me.  She started to cry.  "I'm so sorry?. We did this? we could have prevented this."

"I know? I know bra? this is my fault Kelly."  Adam said, looking into my eyes.

"I don't blame ya'll."

Jenne cried still trying to hide it.  Adam just looked at his hands? this was NOT Adam.  Adam was loud.  Adam talked nonstop.  Adam did not silently look at his hands.  But he did.  "You just had to stay home huh?"  I asked, laughing, trying to make a joke.

God, his eyes? Adam's eyes were so sad and so serious.  "Bra? I feel so shitty?. Please?"

"Hey? hey, I was joking?. Joking? I do not blame ya'll."

"I'm so sorry Kelly."  Jenne blurted out, sobbing at the end.

"Please? stop Jenne? I don't? want? to ?. Start?. Crying? too."

But my voice shook, a dead give away I was about to.  Adam practically threw his arms around me.  "I'm so sorry Kelly!"  He said, and it sounded like he was crying, but I couldn't see to tell.

"I feel like I overreacted?. Like?"

"FVCK overreacted Kelly? he shouldn't a done that sh!t? fvck that!"  Adam assured me.

All the rest of the time I was there that night they apologized, and Jenne cried, and offered my beer and weed.  Finally I decided to leave after having one Tequiza?. Or however it's spelled?. And smoking a little, just to get them to feel a little better. 

Finally I decided to leave and get some sleep.  They all trooped down, Adam, Jenne, and Johnny, to walk me to my car.  I hugged Jenne good bye so long? she didn't want to let me go? it almost felt like a good bye hug? I don't know.

And what tripped me out.. this is what made me realize I was loved? Adam.  We weren't too close? I mean, we were cool, but when we hugged it was short, hey how ya doing hug.  But not that night.  That night he pulled me close and tight? and long.  "I'm sorry Kelly?. This is my fault? all my fault."  His voice was strained.

I pulled back and saw tears in his eyes?.. now THAT pulled at me? I hadn't really cried still? and I still haven't? I feel like there is a hole in me?a wide, vast? empty hole, just like THERE!  Not going away? and when I think about it, or someone says Mike, or mentions what happened? or when I'm on my way over to her apartment? my heart starts to pound? panic attack.

The next night? god? Jenne woke up crying and begging me to come over to see if I was alright? and I went over there and me and her and Adam huddled for a while.  Everyone, Anna, Jazz, Shannon, another girl?. Matt and his Dad?. They all were so worried about me? got calls all day for me at her house?.. asking me if I was alright? I didn't know hiow to describe what I felt except to tell the hole thing, so I just said "I'll be alright." 

That night I went over there and got really messed up? Maybe that does mean I'm weak.. but? I'm sorry.  I drank beer and smoked a lot of weed, which I never?. HARDLY EVER smoke?. Usually all I do is drink very seldom.  Then the chick who picked Mike up came in?

Panic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hid behind Adam and he jumped in front of me.

"Mike tried to rape somebody?"  She asked.

Adam nodded.  "Yeah bra? fvckin prick."

"Who?"

He pointed to me.  "Well? he's in jail? we got pulled over last night and arrested to possession of narcotics? I don't think he'll be out soon."

I am so so so worried that if he does get out of jail? he will die.  Trace, one of our other friends,  is a big boy and if he loses his temper? he will kill.. and if he sees him, he will lose his temper?. and there are so many that want to kick his @ss, and so do I want his @ss kicked, but I don't want my friends going to jail.

I told my cousin a town away and now he and his friends want to beat him? I don't know?..

I learned to never drive people you don't know REALLY well by yourself? I can think of nothing witty and wise to say? so good bye? and I hope you will reply? please??