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Mustache Mania

October 31^th 1999

Eightteenth Edition

Ahoi hoi good people and welcome to issue number 18! I never thought Mustache Mania would make it this far, Infact it has almost been 2 years since the first issue of Mustache Mania was sent out. Keep an eye out for the 2 year anniversary special edition!

Adventures Of Mustache Man...

Hello all you Mustache fans This week was kinda interesting. I was walking down the street when Suddenly! a rabbit hoped by. But this wasn't just any rabbit it was A RABID Rabbit! It stared Chasing after my Neve Cambell, My love, my heart and well that's being a little drastic. Anyways the next thing i know a Rabbid Rabi comes out and picks up the Rabbid Rabbit and then the Rabbid Rabbi and Rabbid Rabbit start chasing after Neve. While they were running around me i stuck my foot out and tripped the rabbid Rabi and rabbid rabbit and they fell into a puddle of acid that just happened to be conviently spilt on the street. Well once again I rid the world of another rabbid Rabi and his rabbid rabbit, Once again the world is in my debt and once again you're gonna have to by the video to find out what happened next with Neve and I.

Ben's Top 10

Top 10 ways that I know that I am not meant to do gymnastics

10. the tights are just not my style

9. When i do wear the tights, the guy next door looks at me funny

8. I just can't land that triple back flip with a 580 twist

7. Last time i did the splits was strictly by accident, hurt for a week!

6. That "horse" thingy just looks like it could hurt

5. I wanna marry a gymnist, but 2 gymnists wouldn't get along. too much competition.

4. I can't reach the bars

3. my cheast is to hairy for the tights

2. MY boys would feel exposed wearing those tights....that would be a bad thing if it was cold out!

1. I'd rather lubricate my hands, not powder them for a better grip

Name That Song...

Congrats to all who correctly answered last issue's Name that Song. This week it's gonna be a tuffy so here we go!

"Everybody wants to live, Like they wanna live; and everyone wants to love, like they wanna love; and everybody wants to be ... Everybody wants respect, just a little bit; and everybody needs a chance, once in awhile..."

Good luck everyone, plese e-mail your response to mustachemania@hotmail.com Please include your handle and/or name and the issue number...this one being #18. thanks.

***WARNING***The following section's opinions are not necessarly expressed by Mustache Mania Inc. However Alice GO NUTZ!

Ask Alice!

Answer: First off you aren't asking about psychics, your speaking of astrologists (there IS a difference).  Astrologists go off of your zodiac sign rather than just "seeing the future".  Only thing that bothers me is that you ask about this, because I take that as the fact that you're giving these people your money and let's face it they're just there to make money and not to help you.  *Hint* get your daily zodiac out of the newspaper.

Answer:  Alright you've realized that your gay, so what do you do?  Nothing, if you're gay then you're gay.  Its not something you can change, and if you think you can I'd get one hell of a good laugh out of watching you try.  Obviously you've got issues.  Also, I'd recommend that you see the movie "American Beauty" it might show you what being someone you're not could possibly do, and for everyone else reading this its a pretty worthwhile movie to see in my humble opinion.

32 WAYS TO ANNOY...Forwarded e-mail
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to
your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and
announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17
inch paper, 99 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog".
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of
your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your
neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener
it was a "real hoot".
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they
touch with a can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and
copy them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and
tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be
saying more at anymoment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands
over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge
across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a
nasal Howard Cossell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Send really long joke e-mails to all the people you know.
34. Send out 32 (sic) thoughts on the 'thought' for the day.

From the bottom of the empty...notes from the Editor

Well as some of you know I purchased some fish a few weeks ago. well since then All but one gold fish has died. but they served their purpose as feeder fish. Today my brother brought over some of his fish to give to me due to the fact that his fish are horney lil buggers and keep poppin' out babies. He also gave me some chemicals to clean up the water and get rid of the "ick" it's starting to look pretty cool and stuff now.

Well it's 2:35AM and I just got home from school about and hour and a half ago. I was working on my section of the news paper and helped the managing editr get a few things done. I am just about finished this issue, and felt bad for not having an issue out for awhile so i decided to make sure i get this thing out tonight. I hope you are all pleased with this issue 'cause i have early classes in the morn.

Tuesday I will be the event Manager for the Scratching post/Big Sugar concert. should be tonnes of fun I saw Big Sugar over the summer and had a ball...yeah the night i got pulled over by the cops and she asked me "What the hell are you doing in my city?!"

Anyways take care and have fun!

MUSTACHE MAN :{Þ)

LOOKING FOR ASSISTANT EDITOR!

Wanna work for free? only a few hours here and there. All I need is someone dedicated to help me put together Mustache Mania. Please e-mail me at mustachemania@hotmail.com

Joke of the Issue...

This just in...Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

Please send all questions and comments to mustachemania@hotmail.com or for an imediate response try my ICQ @ 5160216 Also check out Mustache Man's official home page @ http://www.oocities.org/CollegePark/Theater/1649/mustache.html

HEY I'M AN ASTRONAUT!

WORMS MAKE ME CRAZY!

this has been a Mustache Mania Production. All mustache names, logos and products are owned and copy righted by Mustache Inc ©1998, 1999