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Mustache Mania

March 24^st 1999

Fourteenth Edition

Welcome all you Mustach Man Fans. This is probably going to be the last Issue of Mustache Mania until September not definate yet though. Yes Mustacheman is moving back home for the summer. I'll be keeping my self busy working weekends back in the bar as well as getting greese put in my gloves while working in a factory making automotive filters. I wish you all a great and happy summer and hope you all stay out of trouble...y'all know I won't...trouble always has a way of finding me.

Adventures of MUSTACHE MAN...

First I must say that One Legg'id Man is still off on assignment. Tuxedo Mask has gone missing in action...rumor has it that him and Big Biff took off to Vegas to elope. Remember that it is just the rumor going around Mustache headquarters. I have an excelent true Adventure but unfortunatly it hasn't gone to court yet and shouldn't talk about it till after it's over so stay tuned to next seaon's 15th edition where I'll have all the details and final out comes.

Here we go. The other night I was walking down the streets of downtown Stratford. I was suddenly confronted by about 30 guys. They surrounded me all holding on to lead pipes, baseball bats and one guy even had an egg beater...that made me courious...But anyways one guy stepped forward and said "I can tell by your red "froot of the looms" out side your trousers that you are either Mustache Man or just some guy with a few beers short of a 2-4". I spoke up and said "I am Mustache Man " *echo* we all looked around for the source of the echo, then we realized that it was coming from the ally near by. So we all ran over to the ally and started yelling "Echo!" after about 20 minutes of that the leader guy said "Wait! we came here to kick Mustache Man's ass for putting Rico Suave in jail!" I was still having fun yelling "Echo" when i was hit across the back with a lead pipe. I fell to the ground they were beating me with their pipes. I tried to get up but then the guy with the egg beater came up, and everyone stepped back. I knew that if he got me with the egg beater I'd be a gonner. I used all of my might to get up. I stood there towering over this 4'3 guy I had a look on my face like Hulk Hogan did when he got hit and made him mad. I walked over to him, poked him with my fingure. He started cying, i felt bad ad stopped. he then kicked me in the shins and ran off. Next thing i know the rest of the guys come back at me with their lead pipes. I swing taking out 5 of them, I swing again taking out more. I kept swinging till i had bodies laying all over the ground around me. I walked over a few and went up to the leader. The leader was scared and begging for mercy. I then looked deep in to his eyes and rotated the bird to him..."Cause at Swiss Chalet we don't flip the bird we rotate it" (Ex-employee heh heh) and then all of a sudden the song "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee-Gees started playing from someplace. So I struted my stuff as I walked away. Jennifer Love Hewitt appeared out of now where and grabbed my arm as we both strutted off in to the sunset. What ever happened next I am not sure all I can say is WOW! and I think I am gonna have to buy the vidoe for that one!.

Name That Song...

This is the last Namr That Song for this season so when i get the results after this issue I will post all of the results in the next issie. Next season will contain more Name That Song or possibly some other trivia question.

This should be an easy one. The lyrics are all there with the exception of the chorus...which would give it away. Also the song was copyrighted in 1990 and the name of the CD is just the name of the band.

So here we go

"I guess the time was right for us to say; We'd take our time and live our live our lives together day by day; We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer; We know our dreams can all come true with love that we can share; With you I never wonder -- Will you be there for me; With you I never wonder -- you're the right one for me"

**Chorus**

With every kiss our love is like brand-new; And every star up in the sky was made for me and you; Still we both know that the road is long; (But) we know that we will be together because our love is strong"

**Chorus**

Good Luck!! send all answers along with your name/handle and Issue number to mustachemania@hotmail.com

Tips on Picking up women...

Tip #2 - Here's a great idea that will attract single women like crazy in nightclubs and bars. Bring your laptop computer with you and set it up on your table. Use your laptop and act like you are totally focused and consumed with what's on the screen. Before long, single women will be approaching you, wondering what you are doing. Their curiosity will be killing them. I would recommend loading your computer with games. Then you can show her how to play and you can make your move from there by asking her out or for her phone number. You could also say you are writing a book on meeting and dating women and ask her for her input on a subject such as, "What are the worst pick-up lines you have heard from men?"

Tip #5 - When asking for single women for a date, be specific about the date. Example "Let's have dinner at Steak & Ale Thursday night at 7 p.m. and afterwards we can go have a drink at Boogie Nights Disco." ***Heh heh you sure this is up-to-date?***

Tip #4 - After she gives you her phone number, how long do you wait before you call her? If she seemed interested in you, wait 5 days (this is to keep her guessing and thinking about you). If she did not seem too interested in you, wait 2 days. ***I know from experience that if you wait for 2 days she won't give you the time of day after that.***

These were some "Dating Tips" sent to me from a friend. I would like people to let me know what you think about these. If you think they would actually work or if they are just pathetic. Also if some one has tried them on you before or if you have tried them on some one else. Let me know at mustachemania@hotmail.com

Signs you may be Canadian...from Shirley :)

1. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".

2. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.

3. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.

4. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".

5. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet

6. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.

7. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you probably don't have a Canadian passport.

8. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

9. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

10. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

11. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

12. You know what a toque is.

13. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.

14. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.

15. You know Toronto is not a province.

16. You drink Moosehead beer because of the moose.

17. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.

18. You never miss "Coaches Corner".

19. Backbacon is a food group.

20. You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

21. You use a tennis ball more for road hockey than for tennis.

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson say in the Star Wars Prequel...

10.You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherf**kin' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy motherf**ker.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherf**kin' stormtrooper in the room ...accept nosubstitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the f**k we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Motherf**ker.

5. "What" ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on"What"?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to f**k him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Motherf**ker."

This was posted on the Board by Jessica, and well I loved it so much I had to put it in )

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Personal Thoughts...By Ben

~Kimmy's husband's real name is Rick, an acter hired to keep people from trying to pick up Kimmy with realy dumb pick up lines....Kimmy Remember baby, If you were a booger, I'd pick you first :{Þ)

~Herbert is a cool name

~Michael Bolton does not belong in a thong!

~Superman could beat up mighty mouse...but not Mustache Man

~Goofy is a dog, because Micky Mouse can still talk, drive, wears pants and drives. Pluto is also a dog but just hasn't devoloped his social skills yet.

~Henry Winkler will always be the Fonz in my books

~The Pink Panther original cartoons are and always will be supperior to the remakes.

~Puff the Magic Dragon or Puff the magic pipe?

~Pamela Lee Anderson will live for ever, she is already 95% plastic and silicone. Her body will be perserved for ever.

~Hulk-a-Mainia Will never die

~Who is on first?

~What ever happened to Doogie Howsier M.D.?

It's a beautiful day in this neighbourhood, a beautiful day for a neighbour, would you be mine? could you be mine? .... I have always wanted to have a neigbour just like you, I have always wanted to live in a neighbourhood with you, So let's make the most of this beautiful day, since we're together we mine as well say, would you be mine? could you me mine? won't you be my neighbour? won't you please, won't you please, please won't you be my neighbour? hello Internet neighbour, I hope we'll be together again.

JACK ASS!!!...forwarded e-mail

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.] The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Name withheld to protect the guilty.

If you have any questions, concerns or comments about Mustache Mania, feel free to contact me at mustachemania@hotmail.com and check out my web page, and see all past and present issues of Mustache Mania at http://www.oocities.org/CollegePark/Theater/1649/mustache.html

It's that time in the show

That we must say good-bye to the ones we know

I will miss you all but I know, the show must go on

Till next season when I hope to see you all

I will remember the good times shared with all

the credits are rolling

this has been a Mustache Mania production

take out music, fade to black

 

this has been a Mustache Mania Production. All mustache names, logos and products are owned and copy righted by Mustache Inc ©1997,1998, 1999