Journal3

10/6/01
     It's been a year since my uncle passed away. I still feel like he could be alive.   Although I haven't seen him in over a year, to me that's normal because I haven't seen most of my relatives for more than a year now. It seems like when he left this world, he took along our laughter with it. He was the comedian of the family, too.

      I miss that.

3:53 PM
     I went to my uncle's grave this morning. I don't like to go and visit deceased bodies. I still don't believe he is dead. On the way back home, one of my uncle's sons asked his mother why his daddy wouldn't get up.

     "Mami, porque mi papa no se levanta?" (Mommy, why won't dad get up)

     "Porque el esta con Dios." (Because he is with God)

     "Pero yo quiero a my papi." (But I want my daddy)

     My cousin doesn't understand that his father will never come back. When he said that, there was total silence and to make it worse the radio was playing this very depressing song. Sooner, my cousin will comprehend that his daddy is up in heaven.

     Shit happens, you know.

     But we have to move on.

      As much as it hurts.

10/10/01
     Am I the only one who is bummed out about the war? I have talked to people who say "Let the fuckers burn!" I never wanted to be a part of war. Never wanted to experience it either. As much as they deserve it, I don't want to judge and I don't want anyone to die. Ever since the attack, our whole country has exploded with American flags and patriotism. I see people on the streets selling little tiny flags for ten fuckin dollars.
     Am I just a sick/demented person? I will say that this really didn't affect me THAT much. I didn't really stop my life. My eyes were glued to the TV for a few days, but I didn't stop living. Then again, I am the one who used to slash my body on a daily baisis. Maybe I just can't feel anymore.
     Sometimes, I am afraid to say anything because of what has happened. If I say something that no one agrees with...I just refuse to go along with anyone. I am not with the terrorists and I am not with the war. What they did was disturbingly wrong, but what we are doing is no better.
     I feel dirty inside for not going along with the people, but I'm still going to stand on my statement and I am not going to deffend it. I have no reason to.

     LOL. This is how fucked up I can be. I am feeling sad and nervous right now. Maybe it did affect me. I just don't know it yet. I may be in denial and FAKING the "happiness" that I have been bragging about for the past month. Sometimes, I don't know who I am anymore.

10/15/01
     Ok, I am getting a job. I applied last Monday. Had the interview and drug test Friday and got the call today. I start Thursday. That was fast. EVERYONE is making a big deal about it (when I say EVERYONE I mean my family). They make me feel like they are saying "It's about time that fuckin' lazy ass gets a job." lol : ) I didn't really care if I got the job or not. But I did. I am going to get paid 8.65 an hour. I am working full time, which is eight hours a day (ten for over time). Once I get my money I will send it all in the bank and it will stay there until I need it. My shift is VERY early. I will work from 4 AM 'till 12:30 or 2:30.

     One thing...the government sux sometimes. If it wasn't for them I would be getting a little over 300 a week. Some of my money will be taken away and It better go to the WTC shit that happened over a month ago. I wouldn't mind that at all.

     I don't really care for money...yet. It will just sit there, so I am going to help my mom with a bill, maybe. I will pay for my computer as well. 50 and not 45 like my mother used to pay. One thing that I don't like is responsibility, but it's about time I learn to take care of myself. My parents won't be there for me for long. It's just my brother sister and I.