As for me and what I have gone through....

At the age of five I distinctly remember having dreams of being a girl. Now I did not really understand what that meant back then, at least not completely. Sometimes during games I would take on a femme figure. A good example were superheroes. TV wise there was Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman. Guess which of the three I picked. LOL.

I have always been too smart for my own good and I am good at picking up signals from others. I learned at that early age that things that are different are mocked, destroyed, or otherwise excluded from the societal norm. I learned to hide the feelings I had about being a girl and managed to suppress them for a little while. Eventually I ended up crossdressing with the first item I ever tried on being my mother's bra. Women's garments were such a mystery and I did explore as much as I could. I had a slight figure and a very youthful mother. While many friends had mom's in their forties and fifties, my mother and I were only seperated by 18 years.

I was never caught. That little tidbit would one day stand out to my first therapist. She stated that it was highly unusual for someone not to get caught dressing up. I suppose that my high IQ and intuition played into that (and no, not boasting, just facts). I was careful and very paranoid. However, I was ashamed of my activities which mostly were me trying to find a nice looking outfit on and then the eventual learning of makeup. Or as much as I could, it would take many years before I really learned how to properly apply such things as foundation, blush, and eyeshadow.

I managed to make it through high school. I was severely depressed by the time I did and close to 300 pounds. Food became my substitute for happiness. I dated one girl and eventually came out to her. Back then I thought I was just a crossdresser. She was the first one to call a spade a spade though. She was also a book nerd and had access to a great college library. I tried to deny that I was transsexual though. That relationship eventually came to an end, how could it not? I was usually depressed, put others down to build myself up, and was dealing with some major issues.

I eventually made it through college. That girlfriend was told, by me and from the beginning, about my extra activities. She did not really care. We were eventually engaged but I broke off the wedding a few months beforehand. It is the toughest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I loved her lots and truthfully I still do a little bit even though things eventually ended badly. Out of those who said they would stick by me through anything, she was one of the few that probably would have kept that promise. After our split I did tell her that I was starting to question things like my gender and possibly sexuality. She wanted to stay there with me, but I turned her away.

And then bounced right into a quickie marriage with someone else. How quick? Two weeks after the break up. The marriage was very short lived. It is probably the most impulsive and dumbest things I have ever done. I did love the woman though, but when one is dealing with such serious issues it is difficult to be a life partner. I was resisting what I felt, denying who I was, and acting more like a teenager than the twenty-something that I was.

When she left that sent me into a downward spiral. Things became very dark at this point and suicide was thought of and often. My friends knew this and kept an eye on me. Well they thought it was due to the break up of the marriage, it would be a few years before they would learn the truth. My parents also learned about me by my dumping a ton of printouts on the table. The best thing to come out of this time was my overuse of the internet. I posted, anon, on a transgender Usenet group (which used to be more than just porn ads, honest!) and was referred to a therapist. It would take me another year before I saw her, but once the information was with me it was just a matter of time.

First time to therapy. :) My hair was short and spikey. Think somewhere between 80s Billy Idol and Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Mirror Gargoyle shades, in the original Terminator style (why yes, I do like movies, why do you ask? LOL). Long, flowing leather duster and blue jeans. I still had most of my body builder shape back then and was quite an imposing figure. I can only imagine what Louise thought the first time she saw me.

I opened up to her and was completely honest. Probably for the first time in my life. I told her I was unsure where I fell in the spectrum but that I needed to figure it out. I explained to her about a near death experience that had left part of my past gone from my memory but that I would see bits and pieces now and then. Therapy continued and then there was that one fateful day.

Biography Continued, Page 3 of 3

Biography, Page 1

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