PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot
.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.