These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under

paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do

constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even

ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want

my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to

do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you

honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi,

how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the

problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to

start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We

didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details

of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor

do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers.

If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the

goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one

enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection

to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari

2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you.

Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the

content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can

pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a

waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps

fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup

instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have

better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then

say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't

technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If

your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue

screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to

Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about

computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that

fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the

internet

is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers

don't call us.

14.DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that

you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off

more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases

the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting

instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that

you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or

even what they are for. Just admit your completely lost and leave the techno

bullshit to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small

thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your

problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just

because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the

offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something

different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is

fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and

tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really

piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the

functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this

would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes,

if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common

courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.