"I am a bush."
- Nicki, for Shamil the gnome rogue, after rolling a great Hide check
"She's doing a complicated
growth
spell."
(to Shamil) "Hey, maybe she
can help you."
"No, we only help for vegetables."
- Frilis, the low ranking cleric aid to the head
priestess
of Chauntea, about her whereabouts, then Darious
the sun elf wizard, the Frilis again.
"Ooohhhh, I can hack!"
- Grunk, the "flaming" half-orc ranger, after
cleaving
the first opponent in game
"I really want a Farmer's Alminac!"
- Yogi the GM, randomly in the middle of the game
(he wanted weather effects)
"So, the three ladies go to their room and sleep."
"... and the men go shopping."
- Yogi, then Mike (in a very
frilly voice)
"I don't like making
disturbances."
"You are a disturbance!"
- Grunk
(the flaming half-orc ranger), followed by
everyone else
"It's giving me the evil
udder."
- Grunk, noticing a com
watching
him closely
"What a novel idea. I
haven't
gotten plastered in years."
- Eleni, the moon elf druid
"Why don't we just recruit
a
wild skunk or something?"
- Shamil, about clearing out
a building
"She's drunk, it's
allowable"
- Mike, after Marie points out
to Laura (playing Eleni) that she changed from a Wales accent to a
Irish
one. Elani was drunk, not Laura.
"What level spell is
that?
I want it!"
"10th."
- Mike,
after the GM allows a player to say "I tell everyone else what I
heard",
wanting to get that as a spell, followed by Yogi the GM's response.
"Hey Beefy, there's vermin."
- Shamil, pointing out Eleni's
familiar (a ferret) to Grunk, who's favored enemy is vermin
"Asgar, in this light, you
don't
look half bad."
"Three quarters, then?"
- Eleni
(while drunk) to Asgar, the half-orc
barbarian,
then Darious
"Yogi, all my first level
spells
today are magic missle. I'm not expecting any
out-of-party
combat."
- Mike, for Darious
"A gnome wearing a mohawk?"
"A gnome-hawk?"
- Nicki,
then Mike, after Yogi descibes a NPC
"So, gnomes speak French?"
"It would make sense, it is
a silly language."
- Mike (about NPC speech),
then
Marie
"I'd recognize those udders
anywhere."
- Grunk, realizing he is being
stalked by a cow
"Bungie little stick
thingies."
- Grunk, trying to describe
arrows when he couldn't think of the word
"What do I looking like, a
f*cking
bloodhound?!?"
"Yes!"
- Grunk
(regarding his tracking), followed by everyone else
"Gee, and I didn't get you
anything..."
"You slept with him."
- Eleni
(to Grunk, who gave her a gem because he thought it was magic), then
Darious
"She is lying on her back;
she
is snoring."
"I roll her over."
"She sufficates."
- Nicki
(for Shamil), then Marie
(for Shaklyri), and then Mike
"I'm not looting! I'm
searching."
- Shaklyri, when she was
discovered
going through Darious's stuff while he was unconscious
"OK, let's all play Show
and
Tell. Hope, what are you hiding?"
- Grunk, after Shaklyri (AKA
Hope) explains she was going through Darious's stuff to find out why he
was acting like he was
"Tagamuffin sounds tasty;
where
can I get one?"
- Grunk, upon hearing a
travelling
gnome's last name
"I already have a pet."
"Is his name Asgar?"
- Eleni (referring to her
ferret
Alton), then Darious
"After 12,000 years of
evalution...
We have achieved poopie!"
- Laura, getting sidetracked
checking baby Alton's diaper
"Can I keep her?"
- Grunk, while dragging the
body of a dead woman
"Ah, the amulet works like
a
charm."
- Eleni, regarding a new
amulet
she got to "help" her with animals
"I'm a large man with blond
hair
and blue eyes, with a mullet."
"He's Joe Dirt!"
- Thomas, describing Edward,
his guest NPC, then Mike
"Druids gone wild, caught
on
scroll!"
- Shawn, describing Eleni's
last antics on the Playboy Crystal ball network
"Suck a troll!"
- Grunk, shouting an explitive
at Darious
"I make a Mom check."
- Laura, for Eleni, to get
Shawn
from having Grunk do something stupid
"E.P.T. Elven
Pregnancy
Test"
- Paul, for Asgar, about Eleni
trying to find out if she's pregnant
"So, he's got my
arm...
and then I plug in the bread maker!"
- Paul, fighting between his
fantasy life and his real one
"My head is in a bucket
right
now. what do you need?"
- Eleni, sweetly, while
vomitting
**********
This special section is all
from one conversation between Asgar (the half-orc barbarian) and Eleni
(the moon elf druid), when Asgar has been tied up because of his
drunken
behavior, while Eleni is sick in the morning, attributed to a possible
pregnancy between them.
**********
"Do you remember that night
that
neither of us remember?"
- Eleni, trying to start the
conversation
"If I have a baby again,
guess
who the daddy will be."
"Darious?"
- Eleni, then Asgar
"When I drink, I get loose."
"Then go to the bar, get a
drink,
and LOOSEN THESE STRAPS!"
- Eleni, then Asgar
"You might be a daddy in a
few
months."
"Who's the mother?"
- Eleni, then Asgar,
who still appears to be a little drunk
********************
"Do you need a
friend?
I'm for hire, at least for the night."
- Asgar the half-orc barbarian
to a dark cloaked man, trying anything to get ale money
[To Grunk] The flame leaps
out
and engulfs you. Now you really are a flaming half-orc!"
- Yogi, when Grunk tries to
attack the nice flame spirit
"What's shameful in orc
culture?"
"Eatting vegetables?!?"
- Eleni,
and the Shamil, trying to figure out Asgar's pixie runes of shame
"That wasn't me; I already
did
my shameful act for today! I'm waiting for tomorrow."
- Asgar, trying to shed blame
for the missing moneybag
"Too bad we don't have that
stupid
cow. It'd be useful."
"Hey, don't you talk about my
cow!"
"She said something nice."
"oh."
- Shamil,
Grunk
(who had owned a pet cow), Shaklyri, then
Grunk
again
"I make small talk with the
barkeep."
"That's the only kind you can
make, right?"
- Nicki
(for Shamil the gnome), then Yogi, the GM
"I swear in Drow."
"I swear in Orc."
"I swear in Halfling."
"I swear in a mixture of
Celestial,
Draconic, and Sylvan."
- Shaklyri,
Asgar,
Grunk,
and Darious,
somehow getting into a languistic pissing contest when the big bad
villian
made his appearance.
"Can you guess your
condition?"
"Oh, I'm probably knocked up,
but Eleni is in denial."
- Yogi (DM), and Laura
(for Eleni)
"...looks like a dwarf with
a
handle."
- Sabrina, about "Stinky", a
dwarf with a greataxe on her back
"Which way is the dwarf
rolling?"
"Downhill."
- Shawn, then Yogi the DM
"She's playing better when
she's
asleep."
- Party member, commening on
Shaklyri's attack rolls made while her player (Marie) is sleeping
"I was sexy until you
cleaned
me!"
- "Stinky" the dwarf, after
multiple uses of Prestidigitation for cleaning while "Stinky" slept
"Wait, he's a were-human?!?"
"I've know people likeb
that..."
- Marie, then Nicki
"What kind of dog is it
Shamil?"
Shamil raises and eyebrow
"She's sitting on it.
It's a chocolate lab."
"Mmmmm....
Chocolate."
- Grunk
(about Shamil's riding dog), Yogi, then Grunk
again
"What is he doing Hoot?"
"*Making egg with wife*"
"Making egg with... OH!"
- Eleni,
talking with her animal companion Hoot the Owl
"Do we have a plan?"
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"We go find it."
"Oh, ok, as long as we have
a plan."
- Asgar
and Grunk
chatting
about the adventure plan
*Roll, Roll, Roll, Roll,
Roll,
Roll*
"I've always wanted to do
that..."
- Grunk's actions while hiding
in the hay loft
(you can figure it out, right?)
"I was left in a fire, and
no
one pulled me out except a ferret!"
- Eleni, trying to explain her
version of the past
"As Asgar wields his
Vaccuum
of DOOM!"
- Paul (player of Asgar) as
he vaccuumed up his pepper seeds so the baby didn't get them
"No, no, it's Asgar
sleeping!"
- Yogi, in the debate over
what
the vaccuum sounded like in game
"So, what you're telling me
is
that Asgar isn't firing on all cylinders?"
- Yogi, after Paul described
his character's snoring as a 1975 pick-up truck misfiring
"He's got a deviated
septum."
"Don't you mean a deviant
septum?"
- Shawn
(about Asgar), then Yogi being screwy
"Don't mind us; we're just
being
jerks."
"No, i'm just a nervous
twitch!"
- Shamil,
then Grunk
"I just wanted to know what
my
mask did, that's all..."
- Shamil, as the visit to the
sorcery outpost gets violent
"I have precise shot."
"Right, therefore you have far
less likely for you to hit Eleni."
"...Or innocent red wizards."
- Shawn,
the Yogi, and then Nicki (with a smirk on
her face)
"Do you remember being dead
Einleiss?"
"Uh, no?"
- Red Wizard leader, then
Einleiss
(both NPCs)
"Hey Dad, help?"
"I have no idea... but stay
out of the line of fire!"
- Shaklyri,
and then Darvis, her father and her sword, while Eleni, Einleiss, and
Kizzaf
argue
"OK, you're doing that...
apperantly
as Grunk is using a telegraph?!?"
- Yogi, the DM, as Shawn was
playing with his clipboard
"Let's go drink."
"You're pretty smart for a
dumb
guy!"
- Grunk, then Asgar,
who'd been mocking Grunk
"How do you spell Kizzaf?"
"B-I-T-C-H"
- Shawn, keeping quotes, then
Laura
(for Eleni)
"Now it really is piss
water."
"My pride won't let me spit
it out."
- Yogi (describing the
cantrip's
effect), then Paul (for Asgar)
"I'm a decendant of Brigham
Young."
"Bring 'em young? Don't
care how young you bring 'em, just bring 'em!"
- Nicki,
then Shawn (the Mormon)
"They got spanks so hard
that
you're bruised? Wow!"
- A small child, after
Shaklyri
explained her dark skin as her ancestors making a bad decision
"I likey the wolfy."
- Eleni, after taking her
first
ride upon Silverback, her new pet dire wolf
"The dog panics, having no
idea
why he's being hit in the face with a gnome..."
- Yogi, DM, when Shamil failed
to jump from the moving cart to her riding dog
"Out of character, Grunk is
picturing..."
"Out of character, your
character
is doing something?!?"
- Shawn,
then Yogi
"Are you hitting on me?"
"No... Not unless you're
interested."
- Grunk,
the flaming orc, and a flaming blacksmith
that spooked Grunk
"I have a dealy-whomper!"
- Marie, for Shaklyri, finding
her sword
"It wasn't a 'smokes', it
wasn't
a 'furball', it was a 'fuck'!"
"Yes, Daddy."
- Paul,
after making an exclamation about Nicki's door falling on him and his
wife
and friend trying to correct the language in front of the 1 year old
son,
then Yogi
"Are you calling the baby
vermin?"
- Nicki, after Shawn thought
Grunk could slay little Alton quickly
"What color will it come
out
if pregnant, what color if not pregnant, and what color if it's part
orc?
Hurry up! It's early and I've got to pee."
- Eleni, asking about the EPT
(Elven Pregnancy Test)
"I'm Drow Spice!"
- Rie, for Shaklyri, as Sean
passed her and mentioned she smelled like cinnimon
"Grunk, are you going to do
something?"
"Yeah."
"What"
"Trying to figuren out what
to do!"
- Yogi and Shawn,
during battle
"Do you grab yourself?"
"No, I just grabbed myself."
-Yogi, to Shawn,
who wasn't listening
"Oh yeah, we're all tied
up."
- Bryan, visiting player,
figuring
out why the GM told him he couldn't slap another character
"What he said, but coming
out
of my mouth."
- Shawn, for Grunk, after the
GM relayed information to him
"It's a centerfold full of
pussy!!!"
- Shawn, seeing the middle of
Cat Fancy magazine
"When it comes to my turn,
I
think I'll be bleeding."
- Shawn, for Grunk, who is
bleeding
to death, as he heads to the bathroom
"Hey, it's been a week
since
last week!"
- Marie, explaining why she
doesn't remember what happened the previous session
"Can I accidentally summon
something
in my sleep?"
- Laura, while Eleni is
unconcious
during a battle
"What kind of owl is it?"
"It's not a barn owl or a
screech
own. It's a scorch owl."
- Turnagon (NPC), then Ralga
(half orc sorcerer played by Shawn)
"I want a copy
machine.
I want to make 50 copies of a scroll of lightning bolt."
- Yogi, being silly
"Quit calling her a
'he'!
Look at these! (reached over and grabs Shawn's [male] breast)
It's
definitely a she!"
- Paul, to Yogi, regarding
Shawn's
new character's gender
"He has jet back shoulder
hair."
- Yogi (meaning to say
shoulder
length hair; what is shoulder hair anyway?!?)
"Do you like scars?
Do
you want me to heal you more?"
- Eleni, to Asgar, who
stupidly
was wanting to heal naturally
"Asgar, do you want a
beer?
A nice ale perhaps?"
- Eleni, after Asgarn acts
wierd
(Eleni was the one trying to get him to quit drinking)
"Blame your wife."
"I blame her a lot actually."
- Nicki,
trying to blame Marie for silliness, then Yogi
"Ten push ups!"
"But that was in character?!?"
"Ten push ups!"
"OK, my character does ten
push
ups."
- Laura,
a military wife and assessing a nautiness
penalty, and Shawn (prepping for boot camp)
"When Jennifer comes back,
I'm
gonna kick her... I'll be nice about it." (innocent smile)
- Shawn, after doing the ten
push ups
"...
and another IQ point flees like a lemming."
- Nicki
"My
horse's name is 'cow'"
- Jennie, for her character
Xilocent, both of whom are obsessed with cows
"Shamil
will... not Shamil. What's my character's name? Shaklyri!"
- Marie, in a haze
"Let's
bury a hole. Bury... bury... bury a hole."
- Yogi, GM, speaking for
Snappy,
Shamil's riding dog, with a speak with animals spell
"I'm
a half-orc-aphile-aphobe."
- Shaklyri, explaining that
she is scared of people who lust after half-orcs
"Does
anyone have any chalk? Oh no! I have a hole in my sock."
- The stream of unconciousness
of Shaklyri/Marie
"Meatloaf
is the devil."
- Jennie, explaining her food
preferences
"I'll
open the door."
"It's locked."
"Okay, then I'll open the
door."
- Shamil,
Yogi, then Shamil (Nicki)
losing track of what is going on
"Hold
on! I'm writing a history for my horse!"
- Jennie, when Yogi tried to
tell her something impostant to the game
"Naked
Raging Orcs - Caught on scroll!"
- Shawn, making an ad for
something
Asgar was doing
"Who
needs a horse?"
"Miss Falls-a-lot does!"
- Eleni, then Ralga
(refering to Shaklyri, who's not used to riding second on a dire wolf)
"I'm
going to make a knowledge (religion) check to see if I can make a witty
comeback."
- Marie, for Shaklyri, after
another priest taunted her
"I
can't get drunk, I'm a drow!"
"I can get drunk, and I'm an
elf too!"
- Shaklyri,
and a slightly tipsy Eleni
"I
wince. She's probably singing off key."
- Marie, for Shaklyri,
refering
to a drunk Eleni
"Do
you get to decide if it's good or do we players decide."
"The what?"
"The boning!"
- Laura,
Yogi, and Laura,
about inter-party character sex
"Funky
flaming fart monkeys from Feather Falls."
- Eleni's curse, as Laura's
son young son enters the room
"Do
you have any scrolls 50% off?"
- a money poor Ralga
"Shamil
pulls out a torch of throwing light."
(as the torch, making throwing
motions) "light over there, no over there, and over there, no, over
there,
some back there, none there..."
- Nicki
and Shawn
"I
rolled a 17."
"It hits."
"No wait, that was a 25."
"It still hits."
- Laura
and Yogi the GM
"Shamil,
you have flanking."
"Wheeeeeeeeeee!"
- Yogi, the Nicki,
doing a little dance (her rogue loves sneak attack)
"That's
interesting. That's very interesting. That's slippery tile!"
- Marie, returning from the
other room in private meeting with the GM, and slipping as she comes
back.
"I'm
gonna go wach off some of those guys."
"Oh my!"
"That's nothing new..."
- Jennie
(describing Xilocent's
attack action), then Paul & Laura together, and finally Shawn,
her boyfriend
"Ah,
my biscuits are burning."
Xilocent, after failing a jump
check and getting a torch to the crotch
"Your
first swing cuts right up him and lifts him into the air. Your
second
attack cuts him in half in mid-air."
"Cool! Is he dead."
- Yogi, the GM, and then Jennie
"I
go into a druid rage and charge the curtain."
- Laura, for Eleni in a very
angry state
"It's
not whether or not you remember tomorrow, but that you did it today."
- Shaklyri's/Marie's wisdom
"Oh
yeah, you got a new Cow and his name is Warhorse."
- Shawn, making mistakes
telling
Jennie what happened to her character while she was gone
(the horse was called Warcow)
"Why
does everyone think I'm gay?"
"Because you keep hitting on
Ralga."
"That's just like the magazine
I read."
"What's a magazine?"
"Didn't you know?
Xilocent
subscribes to Sexscrolls."
- Xilocent,
Eleni, Xilcent,
Shamil and Shaklyri together, and finally Ralga
"Oh!
I've got another character who -
Oh! I've got a cookie
in my shoe!"
- Yogi, talking about other
campaigns, then discovering Alton's 'present'
"I
just realized that I died in the Titanic."
- Jennie, when first getting
there for the D&D game
"You
know what they say about the size of a gnome's nose..."
"The larger the snore?"
- Shaklyri, then Asgar
"He's
got three wives? Man, gnomes are cool."
- Xilocent, refering to an NPC
"I
don't know anything about nothing."
- Jennie, speaking truth
"Oh,
Asgar, Asgar."
"I thought SHE (pointing at
Laura) was supposed to say that."
"Oh Phil..."
- Marie
(after Asgar starting attacking natives), then Phil, and Rie
again, rubbing her forehead
"You
big penised dummy."
- Eleni, semi-insulting Asgar,
her sex-buddy
"A:
He's not my boyfriend; he's my sex toy."
- Eleni, the moon elf, about
Asgar, the half-orc, starting an arguement in court that never finished
"Do
you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"Erf."
- Gnome justice of the peace,
and then Shamil
after a long pause
"You
have a cat."
"Yeah..."
"What's its name?"
"Out of character, I don't
know."
- Nicki
and Phil,
taking
both in and out of character when they first meet
"I'm acting
as her concious."
"I'm acting as her unconcious."
- Laura and Nicki, as
the try to justify giving advice to a PC on her own
"You are the wrong bat to
be hiding in my dark crevasses."
- Eleni, to Meep the bat companion, refeering to her vampiric husband
"Snake on snake action!"
- Phil, refering to Eleni (wild shapen iinto a python) biting an
opponent in the crotch
"Nice."
"Nice?"
"Nice, in a bad way."
- Paul and P-Money,
commenting on the misfortune of another PC
"Did he just say 'Boobie'?
- Marie, refering to 2-year old Alton, hhearing things...
"It's amazing what a little
torture can do for a freindship."
- Eleni, to Hope, while both are being ttortured by Banites
"When slime frozen, it get
slickery."
"Slickery? That's a
great word!"
"Thanks! I've been working on it for some time."
- Laura and Marie,
refering to something or other
"Bear, the other white
meat."
- Phil
"You wouldn't roast your
friends..."
"but I would have to listen to
them..."
- Yogi, then Phil
"I turn into a white swan
with purple flowers."
- Laura, for Eleni, not understanding thhe limits of her wild shape
ability
"Now is a good time to
learn Ressurrection..."
- Maia, after throwing a lightning bolt too close to the party, to one
of the clerics
"He must have a butt-crack
of holding..."
-Maia, on Mak'cha's ability to hide largge things behind his back
"I wonder
what happens if
we put the fireball-wench on a stick."
"She already was on a stick, but that was last session..."
- P-Money (for Sparky)
and Marie
"You drugged him and then cut off his arm? Good
show."
- Sparky, cleric of chaos and destructioon, on Eleni's handling to
Lain's evil hand
"I'd due to my inability to having had sleep."
- P-Money, explaining his odd play stylee for the day
"I hate being stripped naked. I lose all my
stuff."
- Shaklyri, reflecting on the bad side oof Banite torture
"We are Darth Locutis."
- Yogi, breaking P-Money's mind by bringging together his blessed Star
Wars with the blasphemous Star Trek
(his feeling, not Yogi's)
"She cut off
my arm."
"How kinky."
- Paul, explaining the
party history to Brad, the visitor, and his response.
"The bonfire showed up without an invitation."
-Shamil, on Maia's fireball spell
"I'm not evil, and neither is the Monkey controlling
me."
- Sparky, on accusations against him
>
"Off we go, trying to save the vampire or something."
- Sparky, trying to understand the missiion (he was right)
"Gone from
'overprotective mother' to 'bitchy mom'."
"Eleni, your my new hero."
- Eleni, regarding
animal companions, and Sparky
"I am skum."
"...as we all are. Now
get over it!"
- Lain, and Shaklyri
"I kick him in the
shin.
How else am I gonna get his attention?"
- Nicki (for Shamil the gnome)