GANJABOY'S VIDEO ROUNDUP

the straight dope on what be chillin' and what be illin' at your local video store 

this week: "planet of the apes" starring mark wahlberg, tim roth. directed by tim burton  [mpaa pg13 rating, but then aren't they all?]

tim burton used to be so cool.  i remember going to see "beetlejuice" when i was a high school "student" with carl and a couple of girls from the local convenience store.  man, me and carl were so stoned out of our gourds that we starting making out with the wrong girl as soon as the lights went down.  needless to say, those two didn't stick around for the movie, but me and carl did.  man, that michael keaton was a hoot, and catherine o'hara just has to stand there to be funny.  carl had such a crush on winona ryder after that movie, i think he still does.  anyway.

like, what the fuck has happened to tim these days?  i think it all started to go south with the execrable "mars attacks".  me and carl walked out of this one halfway through.  that fucking alien "ak! ak! ak!" shit was doing our fragile, glazed heads in!  i rented it a few weeks ago, to see if it was just the ganja that made the movie suck. ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the ganja is innocent!

"sleepy hollow" wasn't bad to be honest.  i liked johnny depp's work in that one. great smoking movie, has all the right elements.  carl got totally freaked out by the headless horseman though.  all through the goddamn movie, every time that horseman would show up...carl would start squirming around and start singing quietly to himself "have yourself a merry little christmas". maybe it was the acid he dropped while waiting for the popcorn that day now that i think about it. onward to my review.

who the hell can top charlton heston's original "planet of the apes" portrayal of a stranded astronaut, surrounded by a bunch of crazy as a motherfucker simians? well, in "burtonworld" it seems the answer is marky mark, the two-bit rapper turned "actor".  well tim, it's obvious you've been smoking too much grade "a" and spending waaaaay to much time on those "stain boy" cartoons over at atomfilms.com.

"planet of the apes" is shit, don't rent it.

"okay, okay, okay...i had the last banana. happy?!"

back to index