EDIT: Ze Screept is now finished. It needs edited a little more, but the hard-ish part is over. The Cheesy Occupation of Everything and Anything

The play is set in a living room with a couch in the middle, one big chair stage left of it that does not match, but looks like at one time it had been paired with a couch that did. Both are comfortable. Right of the couch is a table with four chairs around it, which is used for playing cards. In the corner of the room, there is a desk/bookshelf sort of thing with random objects, cards, a book, and a telephone on/in it. The telephone on the shelf/desk is the one they use. There is also a fish tank between the couch and the desk. Door A leads to the house’s hallway and can be found on the wall behind the couch and the chair. Door B leads to other rooms in the downstairs of the house, and can be found on the stage right wall, by the card table.

ACT ONE

Scene I

Scene is set in the evening on a Friday. This scene opens with a very old Great Aunt June Whisker and 22 year old Janie Kadin. They are sitting on the couch together. June is holding a pillow in the shape of a chicken, and Janie has a can of cheese. Both are staring off into space. Janie shakes the can, leans back, and squirts some into her mouth. Without looking, she hands it to June. June immediately comes to life. Smiling and yelling.

June: What would the world be without this cheese! I tell you they can take away my arms and my legs and my heart if they want to, as long as they still gimme my mouth and my cheese! (turns to Janie)
Janie, you know how they make cheese?
Janie: I sure do not Aunt June. You?
June: I what?
Janie: Do you know how they make cheese?
June: Why the hell would I know how to make cheese, Stephanie? Do you?
Janie: My name is Janie.(Janie is not in the least bit annoyed by the fact that her Aunt does not know her name.)
June: We had cows way back when I was a young, and I milked ‘em every day. EVERY DAY JANIE! And you know what!
Janie: What?
June: I never once had one of them udders squirt out a slice of cheese.
Janie: Must be a certain breed of cow that does that. (The Aunt is serious, and Janie is amused by this.)
June: One of those cows from India maybe. I hear they’re good over there.
Janie: They must be. People someplace or another worship cows.
June: Must hate Americans.
Janie: And bar-bee-Qs
June: Do they eat cheese?
Janie: I don’t know.
June: Idiots. (shakes her head and eats some cheese in much smaller amounts than Janie had)
(Enter Danny, a good natured 18 year old young man. He is quite laid back.)
Janie: How was school, shithead?
June: Don’t swear at your goddamned brother, Amanda!
Janie: Janie.
Dan: It was fine.
(Dan walks over to the table, pulls a chair up stage right of the couch, although there is room on the couch for another person.)
Dan: Can I have some?
June: No.
Janie: Not unless you go make some yourself, Josh.
Dan: Its Dan.
June: Them people over in Asia that worship cows… do they eat cheese?
Dan: I don’t know. You’d think they would. It isn’t hurting the cow or anything. I don’t know if they even drink milk. Look it up, I’m sure you could find it on the Internet.
June: I don’t want to.
Janie: And I just don’t care enough.
Dan: Well that’s good. How was your day?
June: Ask her and not me.
Dan: I was asking both of you. It was a collective you. Like when the French say VOUS, they mean you plural most of the time. (He pronounces every letter in the french word, so it sounds like “vooz”)
Janie: The French are stupid.
Dan: So how was your French? I mean your night? I mean your day…
Janie: Mine was excellent.
June: Tell John…
Dan: Dan.
June: Tell him what happened this morning. I wasn’t there, but I heard about it.
Janie: Alright. Well so I was coming home and I almost got to the driveway and I see something in the road. I was hoping it would be the neighbors little dog, but this was even better. It was a turkey. And not a live one either!
Dan: Well I wouldn’t expect it to be alive considering it was just-
Janie: I MEAN that it was a store-bought turkey, all ready to be cooked an everything.
June: ISN’T THAT AMAZING! The poor thing. I bet it had a story to go along with it. Something crazy about how the kids in the truck were wrestling around and the window was open and they just lost it. Or maybe someone tried to steal it…
Dan: You ought to write a book. “The many possibilities of a turkey in the road.”
June: That’s a good idea. You know I tried to write a book once! It was about a mysterious murder.
Janie: Very mysterious.
June: Very mysterious.
Janie: Why didn’t you finish it?
June: I didn’t know who the murderer was. (gives the cheese back to Janie)
Dan: Maybe it wasn’t anyone. Maybe they imported the wrong kind of coffee and it killed them.
Janie: Heeeyyy, that’s an idea.
June: Only if the coffee could shoot people.
Janie: It could have made them go insane.
June: (pause) ….. No.
(Dramatic pause… silence…)(Enter mother, who stops in the doorway, eyes wide, and gives Janie a look of complete and utter ANGER. Everyone looks casually up at her. Dan smiles.)
Denise: ::gasp:: Janie! Get up right now!
Janie: What for? (She isn’t really angry, but simply does not feel like moving.)
Denise: (walks forward, grabs Janie by the shirt and pulls her up.) You KNOW WHAT FOR! You aren’t allowed to eat on the sofa!
Janie: Its not like it doesn’t have stains on it anyhow.
Denise: It doesn’t have stains.
Janie: (points out spots on the couch) Look, there is where that hamster we had pissed on it, and there is where-
Denise: JANIE! We have a very nice sofa. Go sit at the table or I will personally escort you to it.
Janie: (walking towards the table, laughing.) Stop calling it a “sofa”. It isn’t good enough to be a sofa. It’s a couch. We aren’t a sofa family. We are a couch family.
June: Personally I think we should be a cheese family and cheese should be an exception to the rule.
Denise: I think that my children should learn to respect my rules, then we could be whatever kind of family we want to be!
Dan: Note the good boy at the table without any cheese at all.
Janie: (laughs) Note your face kissing your mother’s ass.
Denise: Enough! ENOUGH! I didn’t come home to deal with this. I-
(She seems like she is about to say something else, but is interrupted by the phone ringing. Denise gives the phone the same look she had given Janie, and then she stomps over and answers it. Despite all the yelling, she is the only one upset. The other three remain good-natured.)
Denise: (into the phone she is suddenly smiling, speaking as if she were the happiest most upbeat person I the world.) Hello. (little pause) Yes this is her. Yes. (little pause) No. No I did not realize this. (pause) Yes. We’ll get it cleared up. Yes I understand. (pause) Yes, thank you. Goodbye. (As soon as she hangs up, her mood changes back to extreme, harsh anger. She gives out a dramatized sigh.)
Dan: Who was that?
Denise: Mind your own business Daniel.
(Mother walks away in aggravation)(Janie gives Dan a sympathetic look) (they don’t talk until a few seconds after mother has gone out door B)
Janie: I wonder what that was all about?
(The other two shrug. They seem more curious than bothered by the whole ordeal)
(Enter Ally, the youngest sibling at 14 years.)
Ally: Hey.
Dan: Ally, how was school?
(Ally smiles, and is about to say something, but shuts her mouth as Mother bursts in from door B, and stands with her hands on her hips.)
Denise: Is there something you would like to tell me?
Ally:(her mood suddenly changes from decent to completely annoyed and continues to get worse) About what?
Denise: I just got a call from the school.
(Enter John, the father. He is probably the most good natured of the whole group, but has a tendency to avoid problems.)
John: What’s everyone yelling for?
Denise: I just got a call from the school about how Ally is doing in math.
Ally: Well I’m sorry. Its just too hard for me.
John: It’s not too hard for you.(He smiles.) I know you are smart. Maybe if you studied more-
Denise: If it is too hard than I’ll hire a tutor. Would that help?
Ally: I don’t want a tutor.
Denise: Too bad, you obviously need one.
John: Well now that we have that problem solved, what does everyone want for dinner?
(Dan and Janie laugh)
Denise: Well its nice to know that you care about your children’s problems.
John: I care. I’m the one suggesting we feed them.
Denise: We have leftovers.
Janie: Not any more. We ate the rest of them this morning.
Denise: (Throws her hands up) Well I give up then. Make whatever the hell you want. I’m going to go pick up the paint so that we can start on remodeling the kitchen soon. And I’ll find a tutor. BYE.
(Exits through door A)
John: Allison.
Ally: Yes?
John: I know you are a smart person. Please, if you just study I am sure-
Ally: Dad.
Ally: (Still angry, but less frustrated when dealing with her father.) I have studied. I just can’t do it. The teacher is a bi— the teacher is a witch, okay?
(Exit Ally through Door B)(John sits on the couch.)
Dan: So dad, how was your day?
John: It was just fine. Now didn’t you say you had something wrong with your car?
Janie: Yeah, sounds like he keeps a mouse in it. Squeak squeak!
June: Sounds like chickens to me, Bobby.
Dan: Its Dan… How does that sound like chickens?
June: You tell me, I’m not the one that has a poor chick locked in my trunk.
Dan: It is the car that makes the noise. There is no chicken.
June: Okay.
Dan: If you want to go look yourself you can.
June: No, no. I believe you. Whatever you say.
Dan: Thank you.
June: Chicken trapper.
John: What do you say we go fix that car?
Dan: Sure.
(Exit John and Dan through Door A)
(Janie looks around for a moment at each door, as if listening to see if anyone is coming. She then moves to the couch, and her and Great Aunt June continue to eat cheese.)

(END scene)

Scene II

(This scene is set the next morning, and it is almost noon. Aunt June can be seen trying her hardest too peer into the fish tank without getting off of the couch. She has a bottle of fish food and seems to be having trouble.)

June: I can… I’ll feed ya... fishes... I promise! Just as soon as I can get to reachin’ up there… I know I-
(Enter Dan from Door B. He stops and looks at her, realizes what she is doing, and seems to think it is a very humorous situation.)
Dan: Having some troubles are you?
June: I’m not havin’ no troubles at all. I was just going to feed the fish.
Dan: Here, why don’t you let me do it?
June: NO! (recoils) Whose fish do you think these are, Kyle?
Dan: Its Dan.
June: These are my fish. Mine! I’ve had that one, Jeff, for three years. Dan: Well I’ve been here eighteen years and you remember its name but not mine. And you haven’t had it for three years. We’ve replaced Jeff six times and you know it.
June: That’s not the point.
(She opens her mouth to say something else, but Denise and a young lady of about 22 walk in from Door A. She is pretty and appears to be meek and quiet. She smiles sweetly, but Denise, although she is trying to look nice, is quite annoyed at the two of them.)
Denise: This is Heather Rollind. She is going to be Ally’s tutor.
June: Nice to meet you Tara!
Heather: (She smiles nicely.) Nice to meet you… I am Heather.
Dan: (Gets up politely) Hello, I am Dan, Ally’s sister, and this is our Great Aunt June.
Denise: And what exactly are the two of you attempting to do?
Dan: The daily complication of feeding the fish.
Heather: Oh… I see. You need some help with that? (Walks over.)
June: Yes, as a matter of fact I do, thank you. (gives her the fish food)
(to Dan) See, someone in this house is nice enough to offer help to help an old woman.
Heather: How much should I put in?
June: Oh wait, first I’ll introduce you. (strains to look into the tank again.) The algae eater is King Arthur. That one is Jeff. That one is Strawberry. And that one is David Bowie.
Heather: They are beautiful fish, ma’am.
June: Thank you very much. I’ve had Jeff for three years. Two pinches will probably do.
(Heather smiles sweetly and puts food in)
Heather: Three years. That’s a long time.
Dan: For Jeff it would be six lifetimes.
Heather: Oh. (She has no idea what this means, but manages to pretend she does and smiles.)
Denise: Come on, Heather. I think Ally is in the kitchen.
(They walk together through door B)
(June sits in the regular forward position on the couch, and Dan is standing up, tapping at the fish tank and watching them eat. He makes an ‘algae eater’ face at King Arthur.)
June: She seems like a nice girl. Why does Carolanne need a tutor?
Dan: Ally. She was doing badly in math. Remember?
June: No. I think she does very well. She could count to ten when she was only three you know.(Dramatic pause) (Suddenly Dan stops tapping and looks hard at one fish.)
Dan: Is David Bowie okay?
June: I don’t know, I never met him.
Dan: No, I mean the fish. It looks like he has a spot.
June: He’s always had a spot.
Dan: No he hasn’t.
June: He has and you know it.
Dan: You think everything has a spot. You have cataracts.
June: Fine, Jeremy, it hasn’t any spot at all.
Dan: And she sees the truth.
June: (Sarcastically) Oh no. I can’t see the truth because I have cataracts.
Dan: (Jokingly) Too bad you don’t get cataracts of the vocal chords.
June: Then my throat couldn’t see when I talked.
Dan: Or you would shut up.
June: I’ll never shut up! (Victoriously throws her arms into the air.)
Dan: Really though, you should look at this one area on David Bowie.
June: I’ve looked at plenty of David Bowie’s areas. In one movie he wears tights.
Dan: No, I mean the spot on the fish.
June: Alright, what kind of spot?
Dan: It’s a little white spot.
June: Ooop. He’s gonna die. We’ll get a new one. Strawberry died of that last time.
Dan: Well what is it?
June: Its kind of like a white spot.
Dan: What is it called?
June: How am I supposed to know?
(Enter Denise and Heather) (Heather says a quick goodbye and then leaves) (Mom goes back to her regular, not so nice self.) (Once Heather is gone, Ally comes out, clutching a hairbrush in one fist. She enters slowly and angrily. She just looks at her mother from across the room.)
Denise: Do you have something to say, dear?
Ally: Do I have something to say? No, I have nothing to say.
Dan: Well you ought to get it out... you could explode...(he is now a little scared)
Ally: (She is silent and calm for a minute, then looks at her mother and explodes into a screaming rage.) I don’t need no tutor! (Door A starts to open, John looks out, hears the yelling ,and then closes it again quickly.)
Dan: If you didn’t you would have said, “I don’t need a tutor” or “I haven’t any need for a tutor.”
Ally: (to dan) Shut up! (To mother)Shut UP! How do you know what is best for me or anyone else?
Denise: I am your MOTHER. Whether you like it or not-
Ally: (throws the brush) I DON’T CARE! You don’t understand anything. NOTHING! That Heather girl is even dumber than I am! (sniffles and stomps out of door B, mother angrily follows her)
(A small moment passes, and the father slowly opens Door A and peers his head around it.)
John: Is it safe?
Dan: Yeah dad, its safe.
John: Alright then. (comes in happily, sits in the chair, and takes his shoes off) Did you two eat breakfast?
Dan: Well yes, but its almost lunch time now. John: Hope Ally comes down to eat.
Dan: And mom.
John: I’m not worried about your mother. She works herself up every day with her “busy” schedule, but somehow she always manages to find time to eat and take a three hour bubble bath. So what was she yelling about anyhow?
Dan: Ally’s tutor just came for a visit.
June: This Jaclyn seems like a nice girl.
John: (to dan) What’s her name?
Dan: Heather.
John: So is Ally fixed and smart yet?
Dan: No, I guess Heather just wanted to meet her.
June: She fed the fish for me.
John: You let her feed YOUR fish?
June: Well, she offered to. No one around here is that nice.
Dan: David Bowie has a spot on his area.
John: (Ponders this) I’m not sure what you meant by that.
Dan: Our fish… on his side, sort of near his tail. He’s developing this white spot.
June: He’s going to die.
John: How many is that?
Dan: I don’t know, maybe three or four.
June: Did you know we’ve had Jeff for three years now?
John: We’ve had King Arthur for a while too, haven’t we. Only replaced him twice.
(John motions to the chicken pillow she has been clinging to the whole time, which goes everywhere with her)
John: How long have you had that?
June: My chicken? Six years and never replaced it once.
John: Well pillows don’t usually die.
Dan: Might want to be careful anyhow, just in case.
June: No. This hen’s still young. People should warship chickens instead of cows.
John: But you eat chicken.
June: No one said you couldn’t eat a thing and love it at the same time. After all, there would be total chaos if no one ate chicken. Then there would be something against eggs, and you make everything with those. Then there would be no cake, no cookies, no ice cream, no bacon…
Dan: There is no egg in the process of making bacon.
June: But you can’t have bacon and not eggs.
John: I don’t see why not.
June: Well you shouldn’t be able to. I think its as wrong as a windshield without a defroster.
Dan: Your windshield is dirty.
June: Your windshield is stupid.
Dan: That didn’t make sense.
June: It did to those of us who aren’t stupid.
John: Not me.
June: No one said you were one of those people. (pats him sympathetically on the shoulder)
(Ally enters from Door B, goes over to the couch, and sits down, pouting)
June: Now what’s the matter, Virginia?
Ally: I’m not dumb.
John: You wouldn’t be dumb if you didn’t choose to be.
Ally: Stupid tutor. I don’t want to have a tutor.
Dan: Yes I think you’ve made that clear to everyone.
John: It’s not really a bad thing. You could just start working now, and use her to catch up on what you’ve missed so far in the year.
Ally: It is just so idiotic. Why does mom have to take everything and blow it up like its some huge thing.
Dan: You aren’t going to change the situation by whining about it.
Ally: Shut up Dan.
June: At least Lis is nice.
Dan: Yeah.
Ally: You mean Heather. I hate her, but then again I am stupid, so I probably can’t tell the difference between good people and bad ones either. I meet with her at three tomorrow.
Dan: I’m home all day tomorrow.
June: Emily and Virginia are taking me for my checkups tomorrow at about one.
Ally: Me and Janie are taking her.
John: That sounds fun.
June: No it doesn’t. Its hours filled with waiting, being told the same things Anna here could tell me just by looking at me once, then waiting to see how they can fix me.
John: Your mother has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at noon.
Ally: Yeah. I hope he tells her she is going to fall into a coma and not wake up ever.
John: She’ll probably be back around four though, because she’s going shopping too, and we all know how long that takes.
Ally: Oh wonderful. Its always so exciting with mom home.
Dan: Oh stop it. It could be worse.
Ally: Not when mom is here.
Dan: Stop making such a big deal out of it.
Ally: Whatever.
Dan: (To John) Oh well, at least from one to about three you and me will be here without these women all hanging on us. A rare event.
John: Nope, I have to work all day tomorrow.
(Dan shakes his head in disappointment)
John: So where is Janie today? She better come for cards.
Dan: I don’t know. Probably at her house.
John: I know. I mean, she’s usually here raiding the refrigerator.
Dan: I don’t know. Its Saturday. Maybe she’s out.
June: At least she doesn’t drive around with chickens in her trunk.
Dan: At least I don’t worship chickens.
Ally: At least SOME families aren’t completely insane.
(Pause as they all ponder this.)
Dan: (grins) Name one.

(end scene)

Act II

Scene 1

(Two o’clock the next morning. Dan sprawls out on the couch, puts a sandwich on his stomach, and starts to eat it. He also has a soda, and tries to drink it while lying down. He chokes and gets some on the couch.)
Dan: Oh! Shit!
(He runs with the sandwich through door B, and comes back with only a towel. He scrubs vigorously at the couch with it.)
(The door opens.)
(Dan stands up straight and puts the towel behind his back, obviously flustered. Then he suddenly realizes that it is only Heather, and relaxes.)
Dan: Oh, hello! (He moves towards her, and guides her in.)
Heather: Hello. I am sorry if I am a bit late... do you know where Ally is at?
Dan: Well, actually you are quite a bit early. They won’t be back for an hour.
Heather: (Surprised. Looks at her watch.) Oh my goodness! I’m sorry... I thought this was supposed to be at two... Well I’ll just come back later... I’m so sorry!
Dan: No, no! There’s no sense in you leaving and coming back. Just stay a while.
Heather: No, that’s really alright, I don’t want to bother you.
Dan: Oh come on, sit down, I’ll make you something to eat.
(She pauses for a moment, and then sits down on the couch.)
Heather: That would be just fine.
(He exits through door B. Heather looks up at the fish, and taps on the glass. Suddenly, she stops, looks in, and presses her face against the glass. She then turns forward. She looks confused.)
(Dan comes in, holding two sandwiches. His own is half eaten. He gives the whole one to her and then sits down.)
Heather: I could have swore there were four fish yesterday.
Dan: Oh? (Looks, then turns around again, not in the least bit sad) Yep it looks like ol’ David Bowie kicked the bucket again.
Heather: (Trying to be polite and happy.) .... Again?
Dan: Oh yeah if one fish lives for a year everyone is amazed. We’ll just buy a replacement.
Heather: Oh... Will your Aunt take it okay?
Dan: Oh yeah sure. Why wouldn’t she. She eats fish.
Heather: Oh... Okay then...
Dan: So what do you think of my sister?
Heather: She’s very nice.
Dan: (He gives her a look of shock and amazement) No, I mean Ally. The little arrogant one that yells almost as much as her mother.
Heather: Well she is a little... excitable.
Dan: (laughs.) Excitable! I’m going to have to remember that one.
Heather: What do you mean.
Dan: I mean she is an evil, defiant little teenager, and I think you know it.
Heather: Well everyone needs a little guidance sometimes...
Dan: Yeah, but she needs HELP. Mental help. And not just a little bit of it. It runs in the family.
Heather: Well, your family is really quite full of character.
Dan: They are insane.
Heather: Well maybe a bit. Except for you. You’re really okay.
Dan: (Slightly shocked by the nice gesture.) Thank you.
Heather: Actually, now that you mention it, your family is really... unique. Especially your mother. She is very nice but she just seems so... tense all the time. Is she alright?
Dan: (Gets up, puts the plates on the table, and gets the fishfood out as they speak. He feeds the fish.) Yeah. She’ll make it. Actually, I think she is trying to be happy in some odd way.
Heather: By yelling all the time?
Dan: Not exactly. I think that maybe she just never had a lot of self esteem to begin with, and all she could ever do was keep herself occupied enough so that she didn’t have to think about it. When she was younger she spent her time... doing activities. Now she can’t do as many things as when she was younger, so she has to find other ways. If that includes getting pissed at everything and anything, then so be it.
Heather: You won’t believe me, but I think I may understand what you mean.
Dan: Yeah? (Sits)
Heather: My dad is... well, not the same, but comparable, at least.
Dan: Wow, the good tutor has as quirky a family as everyone else, imagine that!
Heather: Oh, every family has... you know... some odd ones.
Dan: Well, if it means anything at all, I don’t think you are probably one of the “okay” ones of your family too.
Heather: (shrug) No one is perfect.
Dan: In fact, you could be downright nice. (He puts a hand on her shoulder.)
Heather: (shy smile) Thank you...
(odd silence. She looks away, still smiling, then looks back.) Heather: No one is perfect...
(Through door A Ally and Janie enter, with Aunt June)
Dan: (Stands up) Well would you like something to drink?
Heather: No, that is okay.
Janie: (to June) No, Freud was a psychologist or something... I think he died a long time ago.
June: Well if he’s dead then why are doctors using Freud’s advice to help make people like me live!
Dan: Hey, anyone else want anything to drink?
Ally: No, thanks.
Dan: Ally and Heather... you can come into the kitchen. It is quieter there.
(Dan, Ally, and Heather exit through door B. Dan has the dishes.) (June sits on the couch, Janie walks over to the bookshelf, grabs a duster, and starts dusting it.)
Janie: Freud was actually a very interesting man. We read about him in college. He was the one to name the Freudian Slip.
June: What is a Froodlin Slip?
Janie: A Freudian Slip is when someone means to say one thing, but says what is actually on their mind instead. Like if a guy walks up to a girl and means to say, “I like your dress.” But because other things are on his mind, he accidentally says, “I like your breasts.”
June: Oh! I completely understand. Like that doctor today. He told me that I needed to exorcize more often. I mean to say that I agreed completely, and I would ride my bike home. But instead I said, “Go to hell.”
Janie: Well, yeah, that’s basically the concept.
(Dan enters from door B.)(Janie gives him a playful smile, and goes to sit on the couch.)
Dan: So how was your day?
Janie: Pretty useless... but I can see that yours was actually quite fun.
Dan: (Sits in the recliner, puts his hands behind his head.) What do you mean?
June: Yes. What do you mean? (She quickly turns around to look at the fish, and then looks back at Dan.)
June: YOU KILLED DAVID BOWIE.
Janie: No, I didn’t mean that, and Davie was dead before he even woke up this morning.
June: Oh.
Janie: What I meant was that Heather came a little early today.
Dan: Oh, come on.
Janie: And when we came home, they were sitting on the couch.
June: Together?
Janie: Together.
Dan: She isn’t like that.
Janie: Well anyone would have to have something wrong with them to want you, but there are some pretty weird people out there. You never can tell.
June: Great! You should have children, and I could be a great great Aunt!
Dan: June!
June: Hey, is it too much to ask to be double-great?
Dan: All I did was make her a sandwich.
Janie: Alright. You know you should really dust that bookshelf every once in a while.
(Dan gets up, goes to the bookshelf, grabs the duster, and begins dusting the bookshelf.)
June: Didn’t you just do that Debra?
Janie: No, of course not. That’s Dan’s job.
June: Oh. Okay.
(Enter Denise from door A. She looks at Dan, dusting.)
Denise: You dust like I paint.
Dan: ... How so?
Denise: Here, just give it to me. (She walks over, takes it from him, and begins to dust.) I have to do everything around this house.
Dan: (Stands there for a moment, then goes to sit in the recliner again.) I’m sorry. I guess dusting just isn’t one of my strong points.
June: Its alright, I’m not good at it either.
Janie: I am. I’m a great duster.
Dan: No you aren’t.
Janie: At least I don’t get yelled at when I do it.
Dan: That’s because you are never doing it when anyone is around.
Janie: And that is because I am smarter than you.
Denise: Oh stop your bickering. Is Heather here.
Janie: (With an obvious glance at Dan) She was here early.
Denise: Oh hell! Dan, were you nice to her?
Janie: He was very nice to her.
Denise: (Doesn’t get the joke.) Oh, good. I should probably make it up to her for having to stay with Dan for an hour. Poor girl. I'll ask her to stay for dinner tonight. (She exits through door B)

(End Scene)

Scene II

(This scene takes place later that same day. Everyone is almost done eating. Denise is sitting in the recliner. Ally is on the couch, with Janie and June. Dan and Heather are at the card table. Everyone except for Heather uses their own lap as a place to put their plate.)

Dan: (To Ally) Have you learned anything from your tutor yet?
Ally: I don’t know.
Denise: What do you mean you don’t know? Weren’t you paying attention.
Ally: Stop it mother.
Denise: Stop what?
Ally: Stop acting like I am four! I don’t need interrogated every time I speak!
Denise: Well if I didn’t ‘interrogate’ you all the time, you would be even worse than you are now.
Ally: Worse at what? Math?
Denise: Worse at focusing on anything at all, whether it is math, science, or cleaning your room. If you don’t want to do it, you just don’t. Once you get into the world-
Ally: (Getting gradually more tense and loud.) I AM in the world, mother! I see just as much as you do!
June: The world is full of things scarier than school. Like hospitals. And poison. And death.
Denise: Ally, you have no idea what the real world is like. If you did, you would have much better priorities than you do now.
Ally: So you think I don’t do anything except for the things I want to do?
Denise: Exactly. You are lazy.
Ally: Fine! (Stands up) I’ll just go to my room if I am so lazy and worthless! I’ll just go there and not ever come out, and eventually I’ll shrivel up into a worthless little ball of SHIT! (Is now crying. She starts toward Door B) Denise: (stands up, follows quickly after her, determined to get the last word in) No you will not! You go locking yourself into your room again, and I’ll make absolute sure that you never (She follows Ally through Door B, and the rest of the sentence is yelled from offstage.) EVER COME OUT.
(Dramatic pause)
Janie: (Stands up) Heather, I am sorry you had to see that. Really, though, they fight all the time. Don’t feel like you just witnessed the death of a relationship or anything.
Heather: .... Oh....?
Janie: Yeah. You get used to it. (She begins to collect dishes.) I am going to take this chance to do the dishes and escape out the back door before they come back down. (Janie exits through Door B)
Heather: Is it really that bad all the time?
(June is falling asleep on the couch, with her mouth wide open.)
Dan: Yes... when other people aren’t around.
Heather: What do you mean?
Dan: (Gets up, goes over to feed the fish.) I mean that they usually don’t fight around people outside of the family. I’m almost glad you saw that, because it is how Ally and Mom really are.
Heather: (Gets up, stands by him.)But they can’t really hate each other. I mean... your mother tries to help Ally.
Dan: No, they don’t hate each other. Mom just gets worried about Ally more than any of the rest of us.
Heather: Well... why her of all of you?
Dan: Because she’s exactly like her mother.
Heather: (Sits on the arm of the couch.) You would think she would be proud of having a child that is just like her. Dan: Mom was just as wild as Ally when she was younger. She did the same activities, and got the same grades as Ally. Then she started to get older, and was eventually forced to grow up, as someday Ally will be. Now she is just plain unhappy. She’s trapped in a house with a family which depends on her. A house that she has to keep clean all the time. A house where her rank in the hierarchy of the world is “housewife.” And as the only housewife of this family, she is the only one who understands what it is like to be who she is, and what she is. Basically, Mom is alone with herself. That could be okay, except she despises herself more than anyone else in the world. She can point fingers at Ally, Dad, Janie, or me, but she knows that in the end it was her own choices that brought her to the place in her life where she is now.
Heather: So she is afraid that Ally will make those same choices?
Dan: (Sits on the couch next to Aunt June.) Yes. She would never wish for Ally to feel that much pain, but she is also afraid that it is her fault Ally is so much like her mother.
Heather: (Slides off of the arm and onto the couch next to Dan.) Why would it be her fault?
Dan: I don’t rightly know how to answer that question. It is possible that merely being her mother is enough. She probably feels like she made enough of an imprint of her own personality onto Ally, and that makes her even more angry at herself.
(June is beginning to wake up.)
Heather: Oh gosh.
Dan: Listen... Don’t worry about it too much.
Heather: Good thing they have you.
Dan: Why do you say that?
Heather: Because you are so... understanding.
Dan: (Puts his arm around her shoulder.) Well if you ever need anyone, I’ll be here.
(She looks up at him, smiles, and then fades into a serious expression. They are about to kiss.)
June: (Loudly.) Oh no, don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here. Yep, just an old inconspicuous woman who happens to be on the couch with you.
(As she speaks, they both stop. Dan, slightly annoyed, takes his arm away. Heather is embarressed, and stands up as she speaks.)
Heather: Well I am going to go home and prepare a lesson plan for Ally tomorrow. Tell her that I’ll see her when she gets home from school.
Dan:(Stands up, walks her to the door.) You don’t have to go.
Heather: But I do need to. (She gives him a warm smile.) I’ll see you tomorrow.
Dan: Goodbye.
(She exits out of door A)
(Dan turns to June, and gives her an obviously annoyed look from where he stands.)
June: What?
Dan: She left.
June: Yeah. You have a talent for chasing them away, don’t you.

(End Scene)

Act III

Scene I

(This scene takes place the next day. Heather and Ally are both sitting at the table in the living room, coming to the end of their lesson. Books and papers are spread across the table. June is sitting on the couch, knitting and not paying attention to anything else.)

Heather: Well I think that just about ends our lesson for today... (looks at watch) And actually we are quite ahead of schedule. You may be a faster learner than you thought.
Ally: (Actually seems to be in a good mood.) Thank you! What are we going to do tomorrow?
Heather: Tomorrow we are going to learn about matrices. It sounds hard, but its really not.
Ally: Nothing is if you know what your talking about.
Heather: True, but I think you’ll catch on quickly.
Ally: I hope so.
(Dan walks in from Door A.)
Dan: Hello. How is the lesson going.
June: Apparently Ally is learning.
Dan: Well that’s good.
Heather: Yes, actually she is doing surprisingly well.
Dan: (Goes over to the fish. Feeds them.) That is just great.
Ally: We are even ahead of schedule.
June: Now you made that up.
Ally: I did not, she just said it. You can even ask her.
Dan: Hey Aunt June...
June: Yes?
Dan: Did we replace David Bowie already?
June: Nope. He only disappeared yesterday.
Ally: Yeah, we were going to go get him next weekend.
Dan: I don’t think you need to.
Heather: Why do you say that Dan?
Dan: Because David Bowie is definitely swimming around with the three other fish.
June: (Twists herself around abruptly to see into the tank.) Yes indeed! Good ol’ Davie lives!
Heather: (Gets up to see the phenomenon herself. She is followed by Ally.) Look! He doesn’t even have that white spot anymore!
Ally: Do you think that maybe Dad or Janie replaced him?
Dan: Nah, Dad came home very late last night, and I’ve been here since Janie lef. She wouldn’t have come back without anyone noticing.
June: That is it! That is absolutely it!
Ally: That is what?
June: We absolutely MUST rename David Bowie.
Heather: Oh, how sweet! What are you going to name him.
June: The only name that would fit him now. .... JESUS. (Pronounced JEEZ-US, and said with hands thrown into the air.)
Heather: Well I think that would be a very nice name.
Ally: He did come back to life and all.
Dan: But he’s still just a fish.
June: I don’t see you disappearing completely then coming back to life.
Dan: There’s still time. (Dan sits on the couch.) (June goes back to knitting)
(Enter Denise from Door A)(She stands by the recliner, hands on hips, and looks at Ally.)
Denise: Ally, I thought I told you to take the garbage down last night.
Ally: I forgot. (She goes and sits down at the table again.)
Denise: It would be nice if I got a little help from you kids every once in a while. Especially you.
Ally: Why me?
Denise: Because you have the least amount of discipline of anyone in this house. I do not raise my children to be lazy and sit around the house all day.
Ally: Heather says that I am a quick learner. I’ve been doing good with math.
Heather: Yes, she is improving rapidly. (She starts cleaning the papers and books off of the table, makes a nice stack out of them, then sits on the couch.)
Denise: Ally, don’t try to get out of your chores by changing the subject. I don’t see what is so hard about remembering to take down the garbage every Tuesday.
Ally: I’m sorry. I forgot, okay?
Denise: No. (Walks over and stands by Ally.) No, I don’t think it is okay.
Ally: Why not?
Denise: Like we talked about last night, I don’t think you are going to start doing well with your life until you start focusing on what is really important.
Ally: Like taking out the garbage every Tuesday. Life-changing activities like that?
Denise: Like doing things that you have to do rather than sitting around all the time. You will get absolutely nowhere in life just doing whatever you want.
Ally: (Ally is now offended, and is once again beginning to raise her voice gradually.) I don’t just do whatever I want! You do what ever you want!
Denise: (This pushes Denise into raising her voice as much as possible without actually yelling.) I do NOT do whatever I want. You want to know what I do all day, compared to what I would like to do? (Door A opens as Denise continues speaking. John enters, stops, observes Denise’s anger, and walks back out. Denise continues speaking.) I would -like- to be out, seeing other places, having fun with my friends. I would -like- to sleep in just a little bit when I wanted to. I would -like- to go dancing, go traveling, go out and meet new people. But no, I am stuck in this house all day. I am STUCK IN THIS PLACE. I have to take care of you kids, I clean for you, I hire tutors for you, I cook for you, I come to every single soccer game that you have. And what do I get back? Nothing. You can’t even take out the trash. Hell, you can’t even say thank you every once in a while! Well, fine. If you want to sit on your ass all day, then go ahead. But you will not be lazy and worthless and live in my house.
Ally: (Shocked and extremely angry, Ally is crying a little bit.) I would rather be lazy and worthless and stupid than a bad mother. I hope that I never ever end up anything like you.
Denise: (Suddenly her mood changes from angry to extremely sad. She begins to cry as she sits in the recliner. Seeing this, Ally looks at the floor, also crying, but says nothing. Denise speaks after a moment of silence.) Me too.
Ally: (She looks up, a little surprised at this reaction.) What?
Denise: I hope that you are never like me. (She looks up at Ally, and smiles a little, despite the crying.) But I don’t think you will be.
Ally: (Walks over, and stands by her mother, and puts a hand on her shoulder as she speaks.) You aren’t a bad mother. I’m sorry I said that. Denise: (Takes her hand, gets up.) Come on, lets go get some groceries for tonight.
(The two of them exit out of Door A. Th e room is silent for a moment.)(John peers in Door A, looks around, and then walks in and sits in the recliner.)
John: What just happened?
Heather: I’m not quite sure.
Dan: Mom and Ally were fighting.
John: About what?
Dan: About... each other in general, I think.
John: Oh well, what else is new.
Heather: Are they going to be okay?
John: (Laughs.) Of course! Why wouldn’t they be?
Heather: They just... fight so much...
Dan: Just because they fight doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.
Heather: Well, I know, but they really seemed to hate each other a minute ago. Do they really do that all the time?
John: They don’t hate each other.
Dan: No, they really don’t. In fact, Ally may have a closer bond with Mom than anyone else ever has. They are just... unique in their ways of showing it.
Heather: Oh. What about you, then? You have to see that every day!
Dan: Yep, and I wouldn’t be the same person if I didn’t.
June: I’m hungry!
Dan: I love my family for who they are.
June: Doesn’t anyone cook around here anymore?
Dan: Even if they are completely insane.
John: Come on June, lets go pick out something to eat. (He takes June to through Door B.)
Heather: That is amazing.
Dan: What is?
Heather: The way you take everything from your family and just learn from it. I think that is amazing.
Dan: Well you know what I think?
(He leans in, and they are about to kiss, when suddenly June’s voice can be heard from the kitchen. She yells “No I do not want your cold pizza! It doesn’t have nearly enough cheese!” Dan looks away for a moment, then looks back.)
Dan: I think we should find somewhere else to go.
Heather: That sounds like a good idea.
(Holding hands, they exit through Door A. As soon as the door shuts, Door B opens.)(June comes out with a bottle of spray cheese, and goes to sit down on the couch. John follows her.)
June: Oh good, those damn kids are gone.
John: They were getting pretty sappy.
June: Never did like sap. (Squirts some cheese into her mouth.)
John: Me either.
June: Hey, Sam?
John: Its John. What?
June: Do you know how they make cheese?
John: I never really thought about it. Why?
June: Because it is very mysterious, and I am beginning to think it is controlling peoples’ minds and taking over the world.
John: Why do you still eat it then.
June: My mind has been taken over. I can’t stop.
John: Oh. Do you think it’ll take over my mind if I eat it?
June: Yes, sir. Absolutely.
John: And I won’t be able to think on my own?
June: Exactly.
John: Good, I want some. (As he reaches for the can, the lights dim.)
(The End.)