5.4 Animal Attraction
hearstarters rating: 5/10
genre: comedy
some dumb comedy about amarice and some guy...oh, and we find out xena's pregnant.
my
comments:
if it wasn't for the whole xena finding out she's pregnant storyline and the
line "gabrielle's gonna freak!!" this would have ended up in my most disliked
episodes list. unfortunately i saw it as pretty pointless and i found it hard
to sit for 40 minutes and watch the whole thing. i'm pretty sure my reason
is i'm not a huge fan of amarice or joxer and don't care about either of their
love lives.
since having seen this ep, i must admit joxer has been a great character this
season and i'm looking forward to his progress.
Written by
Chris Manheim
Directed by Rick Jacobson
Guest Stars
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Jennifer Sky as Amarice
Alison Bruce as Talia
David Te Rare as Darcon
Mfundo Morrison as Arman
John Smith as Stablehand
Michael Howell as Deputy
Ric Chan as Healer
Norman Potts as Gang Member
John Lawler as Barkeeper
Disclaimer:Although The Rabbit Died, No other animals were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
TRANSCRIPT
Amarice [Ama]: "Ow! Joxer!"
Joxer [Jox]: "Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Ama: "Come on."
Jox: "I wasn't looking."
Ama: "Yeah, you were, at Gabrielle."
Jox: "Was not."
Ama: "Was to-- . You know what? If I ever go ga-ga like that over anyone-- you have my permission to kill me."
Jox: "Happy to oblige. Ow!"
Ama: "That is so guy!"
Jox: "What do you know about guys? You're an Amazon. All you know-- is shopping for bows and arrows and emasculation."
Ama: "I know you don't have to live with pigs to recognize one."
Jox: "You know? I'm so glad all women aren't like you."
Ama: "All the women I know are. We don't need a man to get along. In fact, as far as they're concerned-- you _guys_ are toatally dispensable."
Jox: "Hmm. Hmm. Yeah."
G: "He did it again."
X: "What? Aw-- I must have missed it. I think I dozed off."
G: "Yeah, you've been doing that a lot lately."
X: "Yeah. I've been taking hornbain and olive [?], but it doesn't seem to be helping. I guess I just need a bit more sack time, huh? What are you? A healer? Nah, I'm just tired. Why, what did I miss?"
G: "Joxer gave me one of those looks again. Xena, when he said he loved me-- he said that he didn't expect anything from me. Clearly, he does. I'm trying to be sensitive. Do you have any advice?"
X: "Huh? What was that? Yah!"
Jox: "Oh."
X: "Yah!"
Jox: "Xena-- uh-- "
X: "Yah!"
Jox: "OK. Oh. Gaby-- would you-- ?"
G: "Later, Joxer. Come on, Amarice!"
Jox: "Wait."
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X: "OK, Argo, I'm gonna need your help here. Come on, big fella. It's OK. It's OK. You're gonna feel a _whole_ lot better by the time we're through with ya. All right. All right. We gotcha now. OK, Argo. Here we go. Easy, now. There, boy. Who-o-o-oa."
G: "Oh, by the gods."
X: "Gabrille, come here. Joxer, Amarice, you stay there. G-- Gabrielle-- talk to him."
G: "What do I say?"
X: "Say anything. See if you can calm him down while I set his leg free from that trap."
G [Whispers]: "OK. [Normal Voice] It's OK, boy. It's OK. Easy. Good boy. It's OK. No one's gonna hurt you. Hold still. Steady. Steady. It's OK. Steady-y-y-y. That's it. Hold still. That's a _good_ boy. [Whispers] Good. Sh-h-h, sh-h-h. It's OK. Be still. Stay still."
X: "Steady-y-y-y."
G: "Good boy."
X: "There ya go."
G [Whispers]: "Yeah."
X: "Huh."
G: "Good boy."
X: "We're gonna have to treat that wound before we set him free."
G: "Set him free?"
X: "What's on your mind?"
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Jox: "Spa-- moan-- Spamona?"
G: "Spamona. Yeah, it's famous for its hot springs. Hey, Xena-- a little rest, and we'll all feel better."
Jox: "Hot springs, huh?"
Local: "Ma'am?"
Jox: "Hey, ya know that guy?"
G: "Who, him?"
Jox: "Hey, these hot springs-- they, um-- ?"
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G: "Come on, boy. Steady. That's it. Good boy."
Jox: "Colonel Horse wants [?] Go on!"
G: "I really appreciate this."
X: "Are you kidding? This way, I get a hot bath and to eat something I didn't kill myself. On the other hand, I'm so hungry I could eat a h-- "
G: "You wouldn't."
Old Man: "Ah, excuse me, folks-- I guess I oughtta tell ya this town's got a law against carrying weapons."
Ama: "In case you didn't know, this is Xena. Who's got the guts to take her weapons-- huh?"
Talia [Tal]: "Me."
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[ACT I]
Tal: "Yuh!"
[Fight]
Tal: "Aw! [Laughs] I never could put that past you."
X: "Hello, Talia"
Tal [Laughs]: "Aw-w-w-w-- aw-w-w, you _always_ saw that move coming."
X: "Aw, your sword kind of tips it. You could try switching hands-- might save your life-- ."
Tal: "Oh, I'll remember that."
G: "I guess you two know each other."
X: "Oh, this is Talia. We rode together years ago. These are my friends, Gabrielle, Joxer, and Amarice."
Tal: "Welcome to Spamona."
X: "You know, I'm kind of surprised to findja in a place like this."
Tal: "Oh, I'm kind of surprised to find you alive. Word was, Caesar staked you to a cross."
X: "Yeah. It's a long story. Why don't we get together over a meal? You know, I wanna feel I should have some-- raspberry jelly and-- I don't know, some raw fish. What do you say?"
Jox: "Um-- I just ate."
X: "But-- "
G: "Hm-m."
Ama: "Uh-- yeah. I-- wouldn't wanna butt in."
X: "No."
G: "I'm gonna work with the horse."
X: "Aah. Come on. I'm buying."
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Tal: "You always eat like this?"
X: "Well-- you know-- "
Deputy [Interrupts]: "Hello, Sheriff-- but I thought you oughtta see this. Showed up while I was on rounds."
X: "It's yours. I recognize the design."
Tal: "Was mine. Last I saw, it was sticking in a dirtbag named Darkon. He used to tear up this town pretty bad."
Deputy: "I'm sorry, Sheriff-- but if Darkon and his boys are out-- no one's safe."
Tal: "What's this?"
Deputy: "My resignation."
X: "Well-- Darkon must be trouble."
Tal: "Nothin' but."
X: "I'm glad we're here to help."
Tal: "No-- I-I mean-- thanks-- but Darkon's my problem. I'll handle him. Your word."
X: "Oh. Promise."
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Man's Voice: "He's not comin' up."
Women's Voices: "No. Do something!" "Help him!"
Ama: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Are you all right? Hello!"
Armon [Arm]: [Coughs]
Ama: "Oh, by the gods. You all right? Hey."
Arm: "I am now."
Ama: "Yeah, me too. I mean-- glad you're all right. I-I-- wouldn't wanna-- drown you my first time here."
Arm: "I know what you mean. Makes for a very bad impression." [Chuckles]
Ama [Chuckles]: "Well-- there's no visible damage, so-- see ya."
Arm: "No-no. Wait. Uh-- look-- you just saved my life and I don't even know your name."
Jox's Voice: "Amarice-- there ya are. Armon-- ."
Ama and Arm: "You know Joxer?"
Jox: "What are you doing here? I thought you were away at school."
Arm: "Well, I was just passin' through."
Jox: "Hey, uh-- listen, I-- I never told you that, uh-- "
Arm: "No, Joxer, uh-- that was the past."
Jox: "So, uh-- ya know, uh-- Amarice."
Arm: "Know her? She saved my life."
Jox: "Oh-h-h, did you now? Saved a man's life, did ya? Mm-m. Huh."
Ama: "I'm glad you're all right."
Arm: "No, wait!"
Ama: "Whoa!"
Arm and Jox: [Laugh]
Ama: "You think that's funny?"
Jox: "Well, no-- uh, but a little bit. Yeah." [Laughs]
Arm: "Sorry-- but it's just-- you're not hurt, and-- and it was pretty funny!" [Laughs]
Jox: "Come on, Amarice. You're not-- really hurt."
Arm: "Where's your sense 'a humor?"
Ama: "You wanna know where my sense of humor is?! I'll tell you! You mother-- !"
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Arm: "Does she kiss her mother with that mouth? I'm telling you, she's insane."
Jox: "No argument there."
Arm: "Immature, obnoxious, spoiled-- "
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Ama: "Inconsiderate, arrogant, self-centered, uh-- smug."
G: "Maybe it wasn't Armon."
X: "Doesn't sound like him to me."
Ama: "I got news for you. People change."
X: "Hm-m-m-- "
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Arm: "Oh, and talk about erratic-- one moment she's savin' my life, the next she's tryin' to take my head off. What's that all about?"
Jox: "Women-- can't live with 'em-- can't chain em in the yard. [Laughs] Ow! Oh."
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X: "I don't feel so good."
Ama: "After raspberry jam-- and raw fish? Big surprise."
G: "You haven't been feeling good for days, now."
X: "It'll pass."
G: "I know you're a gifted healer. I think it's time for a second opinion. What do you say?"
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X: "Ah-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h, a-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h."
Doc: "Very good. Well-- congratulations. You're in excellent health-- you know? Considering."
X: "Beg pardon? Hey, Doc, if there's som'in' wrong, you know you can tell me. It-- it doesn't matter what it is. I can take it. I'm pretty tough. Just spit it out. I'm in excellent health, considering what?"
Doc: "Considering you're pregnant."
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[ACT II]
X: "It's impossible! I can-_not_ be pregnant. If you weren't such a quack, you would know that getting pregnant involves certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a _long_ time-- and I mean a _very_ long time. No one-- zilch, zippo. I am a _love_-free zone. Therefore, it is utterly impossible that I be up the duff. So, what's your diagnosis, now?"
Doc: "Mood swings!"
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Jox: "Gabrielle? Gabrielle? Wait up! Wait up! Look, uh-- let me help ya!"
G: "Oh, I can carry a sack of apples."
Jox: "I- I know you can! I know you can! But-but why should ya?"
G: "Joxer, thank you."
Jox: "No-no. Gabrielle, look-- with me around to handle-- the smaller and-- more indispensable aspects of life-- that leaves you to handle the larger and-- more important ones."
G: "No, I can handle my own apples."
Jox: "Gabrielle-- let me help you. You might like it."
G: "I don't think so."
Jox: "Gimme!"
G: "Stop it."
Jox: "I'm gonna help you!"
G: "Joxer-- "
Jox: "No."
G: "Joxer, get your hands off my apples!"
Jox: "Perfect example."
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Man's Voice [In Background]: "-- right over here!"
X: "Quack."
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G: "Come on. Here you go, boy. Go on, it's an apple. Oh, I know you're hungry-- you know it. Come on. Come on, I'm your friend. Argo, will ya tell him I'm not gonna hurt him? Fine-- if that's your attitude, you can just-- take it when you want it. I'm talking to horses. Am I nuts?"
Arm: "Certifiable."
G: "Armon."
Arm: "Joxer said I'd find you here."
G: "Amarice was right. It _is_ you."
Arm: "Amarice?"
G: "What's going on with you two."
Arm: "She's insane. All I did was laugh a little when she slipped."
G: "You laughed at her?"
Arm: "Well, yeah. It was funny. And she wasn't hurt."
G: "Right-- her pride was hurt. OK, think about if you fell down in front of your whole school. Would you laugh?"
Arm: "I see your point. So, what do I do to make it up to her?"
G: "Flowers-- you can't go wrong with flowers."
Arm: "Flowers?"
G: "Yes, women love flowers-- except Xena."
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G's Voice: "You know, she's the only woman that I know who doesn't stop to smell them."
X [Smells flower]: "Hm-m-m. [Cutesy Voice] Oh-h-h-h, it's a wittle [sic] cutey! I-- "
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Arm: "You know what? I think you're right. Maybe Amarice and I just got off on the wrong foot. I'll do that. Hey, uh-- thanks for the advice."
G: "`Wrong foot.' Hm-m-m."
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G: "Look familiar? Pretty painful, huh? Who-o! Boy! Nah, it's not a nice feeling. Yeah, I know what you're going through. [Sighs] It's tough-- tough on a horse. [Sighs] We're equals now, though. You know that? You can trust me, now-- Horse-- . Forget it."
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Tal: "It's not that I don't appreciate your offer. I do."
X: "Then, why don't you accept a little help?"
Tal: "Because this is _my_ problem-- not yours."
X: "You're wrong. Fighing men like Darkon is everybody's problem, especially mine."
Tal: "Not this time."
X: "Really? Ah-h-- so, what makes Darkon different from every other scum-sucking warlord?"
Tal: "He's my husband."
X: "Condolences."
Tal: "I don't love him-- not anymore-- but I did. And now-- I'm afraid-- of him-- of me."
X: "Talia-- this must end here. Face it, you're going to need a little help. That's what I'm here for."
Tal: "No. No, I stand up to Darkon or I don't-- but either way, I am _not_ gonna let you take him on _for_ me-- especially _pregnant_. Oh, come on. Who's kidding herself, now? The need for sleep? The cravings? The nausea? Hey-hey-- not to mention, you know you're looking a little-- . My mother was a midwife, Xena. Wake up and smell the diapers."
X: [Gasps]
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Bartender [Bar]: "What'll it be?"
X: "Milk"
Bar [Snickers]: "Milk?!"
X: "I said milk! What, am I over-age?"
Ama: "Xena, hey. I've been looking all over for you. I think I'm in trouble."
X: "What, is it in the water?"
Ama: "Huh? I'm talking about Armon?"
X: "Well, what about him?"
Ama: "Well-- you see, that's the trouble. Every Amazon instinct I have-- says keep away, but my heart just says go for it. Have you ever had this problem before?"
X: "Apparently. Listen, Amarice-- either you kiss him-- or you kill him. But, either way, it doesn't seem to make a difference."
Arm: "Xena? How you been?
X: "You hurt her, Armon-- I will have your hide."
Arm: "Hi."
Ama: "Hi. What are those?"
Arm: "A way to start over-- I hope. These are for you."
Ama: "For me? Wow-- nobody's ever given me anything like this before."
Arm: "I'm surprised. You deserve them."
Ama: "I do?"
Arm: "And more. You deserve someone who'll really appreciate you. A man who'll protect and pamper you."
Ama: "A man to protect me."
Arm: "Make sure you never have to worry-- or be scared-- "
Ama: "You think I'm scared of you?"
Arm: "No, no-- that's not what I said."
Ama: "That's what you meant!"
Arm: "No, it isn't."
Ama: "You calling me a liar?"
Arm: "Are you telling me what I said?!"
Ama: "I know what I heard!"
Arm: "Liar!"
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[ACT III]
Jox: "Oh! Armon! Oh-h-h-h. We-e-e-ell-- I see you two didn't have any problem makin' up. And I see _you_-- have no problem kissing-- guys! [Laughs] Aw-w-w! Ah-h-h!"
Ama: "He started it!"
Arm: "I did not!"
Jox: "Have you seen Gabrielle?"
Ama: "You kissed me first!"
Arm "I did not! That kill was all your idea!"
Jox: "I'm trying to find Gabrielle. So, if you-- "
Ama [Interrupts]: "You know what? You are delusional."
Arm: "Well, I'd rather be deluded than nuts."
Jox: "Oh! Kids."
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G: "I don't know why I tried. I'm just like an idiot. Talking to horses. Think I'd have no friends. Good horse."
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Tal: "Hi-ho!"
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X: "I've got something I wanna tell you. Just stay put. Believe me, you don't wanna be standing when you hear this. Not that it's bad. See, I would sense that and it's not, but-- there is this small question of how it happened, and-- once you get past that, it's really great. Don't give me that look like you knew. You _didn't_ know. I didn't even know, and _I'm_ the one who's expecting. Or, maybe you did know-- but don't let on to the others. I wanna tell them myself. Gabrielle's gonna freak."
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X: "Armon-- come here."
Man's Voice: "Here, boy."
X: "Listen-- what I said to you before-- I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was steamed about something else. You're a good man. I know that."
Arm: "The way I feel about Amarice-- I'm not sure that qualifies as good. I mean-- it's not like I _meant_ for this to happen."
X: "Happen? Something happened?"
Arm: "I kissed her-- and, no matter what she says, she kissed me back. She just won't admit it."
X: "And why do you think that is?"
Arm: "I think it's 'cause she's scared it'll make her seem weak-- "
X: "Hm-m."
Arm: "-- like carin' for someone is som'in' bad. Can you believe that?"
X: "Yeah, I used to-- but now I know that-- any fool can risk his life. It takes a hero to risk his heart."
Arm: "Well, tell that to Amarice!"
X: "I've got a better idea."
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Arm: "Hi, uh-- mind if I sit down?"
Ama: "If you want. I mean-I mean, sure, yeah."
Arm: "Great, uh-- so, uh-- look, Amarice, I just want you to know that I've talked to Xener [sic], and, uh-- "
Ama: "You talked to her? Me, too [?]. She's great, isn't she?"
Arm: "Oh! The best. Now, there's a woman who's really got it together."
Ama: "Never loses it."
Arm: "Never."
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X: [Throws up]
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Ama: "Ga-a-a-a-- what you were gonna say?"
Arm: "Oh, uh-- it's just that, uh-- I understand where you're comin' from, a-and-and I want you to know that there's no hard feelings."
Ama: "Hard feelings? If anyone should have hard feelings, it would be me-- which I don't."
Arm: "Amarice, what's goin' on? Why you acting like this?"
Ama: "Like what? If you don't mind my asking."
Arm: "Like that. So, so phony, it's not you."
Ama: "Oh, like you really know me."
Arm: "Keep this up, and I won't want to."
Ama: "Oh, really? Well, excuse me for being nice. It won't happen again!"
Arm: "That was nice?"
Jox: "Amarice, have you seen Xena? Oh!"
Ama: "Wait till I do!"
Jox: "Armon, have you seen Xena?"
Arm: "Ah, I can't wait to find her!"
Jox: "Kids."
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G: "Come on. Come on, handsome."
Ama: "Xena?! Xena! You said, `Kiss him, or kill him,' right?"
Arm [Interrupts]: "Come on, I tried it."
Ama [Interrupts]: "Well, I could kill him!"
Arm [Interrupts]: "-- I couldn't seem to [Etc.]-- "
Ama [Interrupts]: "I was _totally_ [Etc.]-- !"
G [Interupts]: "Will you guys shut up?! Shut up, please! The horse [Etc.]-- "
X [Interrupts]: "I'm pregnant."
G: "Xena, can you tell them, please?"
X: "I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!"
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[ACT IV]
G: "You're pregnant? How can you be pregnant? Xena-- I mean, when did you-- ? Who d-- ?"
X: "I don't know."
Jox: "And you asked her advice on _your_ love life."
G: "You don't know?"
X: "Gabrielle, this is as strange to me as it is to you. I don't understand it, but it's true. I felt it with Solon and I feel it now. There's life within me-- and it's good."
G: "Congratulations."
X: "Thanks."
Ama: "A baby. You're gonna be a really good mom."
X: "Thanks."
Arm: "That's _really_ somethin'."
Jox: "I always wanted to be an uncle. Hello there, little fella! Oh! Beats the heck out of my news."
X: "What's that?"
Jox: "Some creep named Darkon's comin'. He should be here by sundown."
X: "Has Talia seen this?"
Jox: "I can't find her. Nobody can."
X: "Then it's up to us."
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Ama: "What are you doing here?"
Arm: "Xena sent me. Told me to guard the flank against a-- "
Arm and Ama: "-- surprise attack."
Ama: "I don't even know why she wants me here. All the action's gonna be down on the street."
Arm: "I heard this Darkon's guy pretty tough."
Ama: "Well, I'm not afraid of him, if that's what you think."
Arm: "No-- why do you always twist what I say? To tell the truth, Amarice, I don't know anyone who'd scare you. You never let 'em close enough to try."
Ama: "That's not true. There is someone who scares me-- you."
Arm: "Very funny."
Ama: "I'm not kidding. I've never met anyone like you. I'm not used to feeling this way."
Arm: "You think I am? This is all new to me, too."
Ama: "It doesn't scare you?"
Arm: "Big time-- but that's what makes us so brave-- to feel this scared and not run away. I'd say that takes a lotta courage, wouldn't you?"
Ama: "You calling me a coward?"
Arm: "I hope not."
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G: "You don't have the slightest idea?"
X: "No. Look, we've been through this a thousand times. I don't."
G: "How can you not know? I-- I just find that hard to believe, you know?"
X: "Tell me."
G: "Ares. Maybe he did-- a god thing-- "
X: "No."
G: "OK, fine. When was the last time we saw Hercules? I forget, I can't-- "
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Darkon [Dar]: "Hi, Honey. I'm home."
Tal: "This isn't your home, Darkon-- not anymore."
Dar: "Well-- we'll have to see about that-- won't we, boys?"
Boys [Laughter]: "Come on! Hah!" "Get on, Horse! Come on!"
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X: "Come on, Gabrielle!"
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[Fight]
Bad Guy: [Yells]
Tal: "Yah! Yah!"
G: "Hey, guys-- "
Bad Guys: "Huh?"
A Bad Guy: "Whoa! Hey!"
G: "Stop! Stop!"
Another Bad Guy: "What?! Ya got some little horsey friend?! A little pony all decked out in bows?!"
G: "Yeah. Don't-- please."
Another Bad Guy: "Who's gonna stop me? [Startles, then Yells]
Dar: "Go on! Finish it!"
Tal: "I have. The rest is up to a judge."
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Arm: "So, uh-- I guess this is goodbye."
Ama: "No, this is."
Arm: "Wow."
Ama: "You should see my hellos."
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X: "Well, congratulations. Looks like we're a two-horse family."
G: "Yeah-- family being the operative word. "
X: "Yeah, how about that, huh?"
G: "You know what I think? I think it's the beginning of a beautiful relationship."
X: "Yup-- for all of us."
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G: "Hi. Whoo! Whoa, boy. Whoa. Come on, Xena. Race ya to Greece?"
X: "I don't know if you're ready for that."
G: "Are you chicken?"
X: "No, just being considerate. We race to Greece, and you won't be able to walk straight for a month."