2.22 A Comedy Of Eros
when cupid's son bliss plays with cupids' arrows havoc breaks loose.
my
comments:
this was a very funny episode...but how i would have loved it if gabrielle
had seen xena after being hit by the arrow. now that would have been a great
episode.
it was good to see draco again, but i wonder if he will still be in love with
gabrielle when we see him again?
Written by
Chris Manheim
Edited by Robert Field
Directed by Charles Siebert
Guest Stars
Ted Raimi as Joxer
Jay Laga'aia as Draco
Karl Urban as Cupid
Cameron Russell as Bliss
Anthony Ray Parker as Pinullus
Barry Te Hira as Craigan
Catherine Boniface as Priestess
Disclaimer: No cherries were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
TRANSCRIPT
Cupid [C]: I know, I know, I know. When
I was your age, I
hated going to bed, too, you know. When you get to be my age,
and, uh-- going to bed takes on a-- a whole new meaning-- you
know?
Wifes Voice: Cupid, Im waiting.
C: OK, look-- this could _really_ work
out for you, you know?
Heres the deal. Heres the deal. You go to bed, and _give_
your mother and me a chance, and you might just end up with a
_little_ baby brother, or-- or a sister, huh? Wouldnt that be
cool?
Bliss [B]: No.
C: No?
B: No.
C: No? No? Do you wanna go to sleep?
B: No.
C: No?
B: [Cries]
C: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh,
shh. OK, come on. Go
to sleep. Watch Dada. Yeah, thats my boy.
B: [Cries] I dont wanna go to sleep.
Wifes Voice: Cupid?
C: OK-- Bliss, heres the deal. You
go to sleep, right now,
and Ill get you a dog.
B: [Cries]
C: No, no, no, no! A pony.
B: [Cries]
C: No, no, no, no, no! A horse! Hah-hah--
a solid gold
chariot with-- with racing wheels, spiked hubs, and the power of
five-- six pure-bred stallions. Wooo! Boy-- the things we do
for love.
Wifes Voice: Cupid, you coming?
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Virgin Priestess [Pr]: Hear us, Hestia.
Like doves to the sky,
we commit ourselves to peace and charity-- in the purity of both
our minds and our bodies.
Virgins: Hear us, Hestia.
G: Its amazing, isnt it?
X: Not really. Dracos as smart as
they come. He wouldnt go
after the Hestian virgins without scouting the place first.
G: No, its the virgins Im
talking about. Think of the faith
it takes to be one of them.
X: Yeah, not to mention the other requirement.
G: Just between you and me, being chaste can be real hard.
X: Chaste?
G: Hmm.
X: No, I was talking about having to answer
to that stupid bell
your whole life.
G: That too-- yeah.
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G: Do you know what the hardest part about
serving Hestia would
be?
X: Hmm?
G: Giving up the chance to fall in love again.
X: Yeah, thatd be real hard.
1st Boy: Go on, give em to her. Shell like em.
2nd Boy: These are for you.
G: Xena, weve both had our share
of heartaches, but you cant
give up on love.
X: Whos giving up? All Im
saying is it rarely turns out the
way you expect.
G: Yes-- so, there are no guarantees.
All Im saying is that
when its right, love can be the most potent force in the world.
Woman: Ooh! Why I-- oh.
X: Which is _precisely_ why it should
be avoided-- and we
should stay focused on why were here-- to protect those women,
right?
G: Right.
Man: Leave me alone!
Cowman: Bessie, run for it!
Cowlover: Come back!
1st Boy: Uh.
2nd Boy: But I love you, Orick!
G: What I dont get is why Draco
has the field to himself.
Every Hestian virgin in the province is here. It seems like a
flock any warlord would want.
X: It takes a certain kind of reckless
courage to defile a
temple. It takes even more to go up against Draco. Offhand, I
cant think think of anyone else crazy enough to try.
J: Xena! Xena!
X: Aw, on second thought--
J: Hey, I knew youd be here, cause
as soon as I heard that
rumor about Draco, I said to myself, Self, Ill bet Xenall
be
here, and well, here you are. Hi, Gaby, how you doing?
G: Joxer, huh. Like this mission wasnt hard enough.
J: So, whats the plan. I heard Dracos one tough customer.
Draco [D]: You heard right!
X: Hello, Draco.
D: Xena-- long time.
X: Too long.
[The Kiss]
G: Huh.
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[ACT I]
D: That was quite a welcome. Whatd I do to deserve that?
Mans Voice: I cant believe Xena kissed him!
X: Its what youre not gonna
do that earned it-- and a lot
more.
D: Ill tell you what Im not
gonna do. Im not gonna let you
foul up the biggest score of my life. Thats what Im not gonna
do.
X: You forced things between us once before, remember?
J: _What_ is she _doing_?
D: I remember.
G: Its all part of her plan.
D: Eveything.
G: I hope.
D: No! Stay back; shes mine. Uhh!
X: Then come and get me.
[Fight between Xena and Draco]
X: Youve picked up some new moves.
D: Ive had lots of practice.
X: [Laughs] That sounds exhausting.
D: On the contrary-- it was, uh-- refreshing.
X: Huh-- I can think of better ways to
get refreshed-- cant
you?
D: I cant deny you excite me. But
interfere-- and I will kill
you just as dead as anybody else. Do you understand me?
X: Better than you think.
D: No! Back to camp! Im warning you, Xena. Stay clear.
X: Ah.
G: We have to talk.
X: Huh? Oh, yeah.
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G: Whats wrong with you?
X: Nothing that a good workout wont cure.
J: Hey, uh-- try the lake. A cold swim
usually helps.
Hah-hah-hah-hah-- so Ive been, uh-- told.
G: Youre hot for Draco?
X: Aw, dont be ridiculous.
G: Thats a relief.
X: Im merely responding to that--
dark part of me that has a
weakness for bad boys.
G: Xena-- Xena, this is crazy. We can
_not_ stop Draco if
youre so-- worked up over him.
X: No sweat. I told you he was bad once. So was I-- once.
G: So you think that he can change.
X: Well, why not?! I did! So can he-- with my help-- huh.
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D: Whoa.
Craigan [Cr]: Draco! Thank the gods! When you
didnt return
right away, we thought-- well-- they say Xenas crazy.
D: Like a fox. Mark me, Craigan, that
woman knows exactly what
shes doing.
Cr: Word is, she played the same sort
of mind games with
Zagrayas-- tricked him into losing his whole army.
D: Zagrayas was a fool. He didnt
know her. I, on the other
hand, know Xena like I know my own face. Get some water for a
bath.
Cr: Shouldnt we be preparing for something from Xena?
D: I am.
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J: Look-- I dont know what youre
so worried about. Its a
good plan!
G: But, its not the plan Im
worried about. Its Xena! Ive
never seen her like this.
Woman: Im gonna get you!
J: You heard her. Shes got a thing for us dangerous types.
G: Well, if thats all, then why
take the trouble to change
him? Why not just-- get a grip, save the girls, and go?
J: Youre right. That does sound more like her.
G: Did you see the way she fought him?
She never pressed one
advantage.
J: So, what do you think that means?
G: Trouble.
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D: You made good time.
X: I had good reason.
D: If that includes trying to talk me
out of rustling those
virgins-- deals already set. Slavers due today, with enough
gold to make me the richest man this side of Mt. Olympus.
X: Well, if thats all youre willing to settle for.
D: Are you saying I could do better?
X: Much.
D: How?
X: By doing something you said you always
dreamed of-- teaming
with me.
D: You and me? Ride together?
X: Why not? You said it yourself years
ago. Wed be
invincible.
D: The two of us-- united.
X: Mm-hmm.
D: Zeus. There wouldnt be a-- a
town or a village that could
stand against us. But I thought you gave all that up.
X: I did. What Im offering is a
chance for you to ride with
me.
D: And do what? Good? [Laughs] Wheres the profit in that?
X: You told me you tried to change once.
D: I did-- and almost got killed for my trouble.
X: Then try again. Tsk, oh-- with me,
profits not always
measured in gold.
D: What you ask-- I dont know--
its a lot. I have to think.
Craigan, get in here!
Cr: How did it go?
D: Stimulating woman-- but I think I bought
us some time. Now,
dress a man in my armor, and send him away from the camp. That
should divert her for a while. The rest of us will head to the
temple. We got some merchandise to move.
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J: Well, it seems quiet here. I mean,
maybe she did it.
Maybe, she actually turned him.
G: This is Draco were talking about.
The man is a ruthless,
flesh-peddling warlord whod just as soon kill you as not. Am I
right?
D: As rain. Resist, and he dies.
G: Joxer.
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[ACT II]
D: Hang him.
G: No!
D: Wait! Round up those virgins.
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War: Get her!
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D: And I thought I was being sacrilegious.
You cant hide
those virgins forever.
X: Im not hiding them at all. Without
these robes, they look
just like the other village women, so--
D: You dressed them like locals-- and
hid them in plain sight.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-- you are as good as ever, arent you, Xena?
X: Better.
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G: Joxer, youre tightening the ropes!
Will you let me do
it?!
[My best guess as to their gagged dialogue]
J: Im not tightening-- Not quit moving and back to
everything!
G: What? Xena! Oh, hes hurting me!
D: Well, at least I didnt kill em.
X: And spoil a good shot at ransom?
G: -- Joxer! Thank you. Xena?
X: Gabrielle?
G: Xena?
J: Blecch! It tastes like sweat! [Spits] Does yours?
X: You two keep and eye on things--
G: Uh-huh.
X: -- till Draco and I get back.
J: You know what, youre right. Something
weird is going on
around here.
G: Yeah.
J: Definitely-- weird.
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D: By the gods! You _have_ gotten better.
X: Ahh-- so have you. Id say we were pretty well matched.
D: Ive been trying to tell you that
for-- years. What took
you so long?
X: If Id known itd be like
this, I wouldnt a. You wanna go
again?
D: Youre on.
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G: Come on, Joxer. Please, just one more time?
J: You really love it, dont you?
G: I love it. The more I practice, the better Ill get.
J: Well-- Im up for it. Except,
this time, lets do it
together, OK? OK.
G and J [Sing]: Joxer the Mighty,
He roams through the countryside.
He never needs a place to hide.
With Gaby as his sidekick,
Fighting with her little stick.
Righting wrongs and singing songs.
Being mighty all day long.
Hes Joxer,
Hes Joxer the Mighty.
J: Yeah.
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D: Aww-- youre good. Oh, youre very good.
X: I have many skills.
D: Theres one we ve yet to try.
X: Draco-- Ill be right back!
D: [Yells]
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G: Remember the time that-- you changed
personalities every
time the bell rang.
J: Oh, uh-- yeah, yeah.
G: That was a great story.
J: Yeah, it was.
G: You know-- I think Ill have to
know all the intimate
details.
J: You, uh-- you, you-- will?
G: Uh-huh. Its the first rule in
the bard scrolls. You write
what you know.
J: Oh, uh-- well, uh-- you know-- thats--
thats-- very, uh--
thats very wise advice because, ah-- hey, listen, uh-- sh--
shouldnt we be keeping an eye out for uh-- for Xena-- wherever
she is?
G: Ive got my eye on something all right.
J: [Starts choking]
G: You OK?
J: Gabrielle, could you-- could you get
me some water? Could
you get me water? Water?
G: Yes, Ill be right back.
J: OK-- thanks.
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G: What are you doing?
X: Hard to believe, but Joxers advice
about a cold swim-- Im
taking it.
G: Thats not hard to believe. No,
no-- Joxers full of good
ideas.
X: Huh-- no, I said Joxer.
G: I know. Hes teaching me that
wonderful song of his--
[Starts singing]
Joxer the Mighty,
Roams through the countryside.
He never needs a place to hide.
With Gaby as his sidekick,
Fighting with her little stick.
Righting wrongs and singing songs.
Being mighty all day long--
X: Gabrielle, whats going on? You barely tolerate Joxer.
G: Yeah? That was before.
X: Before what?
G: Before I realized-- I love him!
X: What?
G: I know. It _shocked_ me too-- seeing
how blind Ive been.
But, maybe thats what love is-- its blind. I should write that
down.
X: No, Gabrielle, this is crazy. You _cant_
be in love with
Joxer. Hes-- well, hes Joxer!
G: Are you talking about my man? Like
Draco is such a prize?
Xena, I would rather be in love with Joxer than a bloodthirsty
warlord like Draco.
X: Uh-uh-- Draco is _not_ like that. Hes
_changed_. He, he--
he sees now, that giving up that life is-- its not the end of
something. Its the-- its the beginning of something better.
[Screaming in the background]
X: The temple.
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War: Get your clothes off!
D: [Ringing bell and laughing]
G: Tell me again how hes changed!
X: I thought you werent going to do this.
D: You thought wrong.
X: Dont.
G: No! You leave her alone! She loves you!
X: Its true, I do. Draco, if youll
just give me a chance,
Ill prove it to you!
D: No-- youre too late, Xena. You
cant keep me from what I
want-- and I want her.
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[ACT III]
X: Wait a minute. Somethings going
on, here. You-- you cant
want Gabrielle. Between you and me, shes a little--
D: I know what I want-- and shes
it. Craigan! Herd those
girls back to camp!
Cr: Right away!
D: Pinullus will be here this afternoon! Lets go.
G: Im not going anywhere with you!
X: And neither are those girls!
[Fight]
G: Back off! I am warning you! You touch
me-- and you will be
grist for the gorgons!
D: Oh, youre quite a little spit-fire,
arent you? The cat
has claws.
J: Hey! Ow! Hah-hah! He hurt my hand!
G: Pookie!
J: I know.
X: Quick! Everyone to the temple!
G: Run inside!
X: Well get those doors closed!
G: Hurry! Hurry! Get inside! Get in the back of the temple.
Virgin: I dropped my prayer scroll!
X: Youll get it later.
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X: Wheres Joxer?
J: Hey! Let go! Put me down! Ooh! Ooh,
ooh, ooh-- Xena--
Xena help! Help me! Hey, Im on the wrong end. Ooh, ooh.
D: If you want to see your friend, you know where to find him!
X: Ga-- Gabrielle?
G: Xena!
X: This love stuff is a real _pain_!
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G: Im warning you.
D: [Laughs] Didnt I say? Hard as rock.
G: Like your head.
C: What did you say?
G: I was agreeing with you-- l-- like you said.
D: Good-- you keep agreeing, and well get along fine.
G: Look! Cherries! Mmm-- I love cherries.
D: Me, too.
G: Did I mention Im a widow?
D: No-- But, I guess thats lucky--
saves me having to kill
your husband. [Laughs]
G: Now, look-- I didnt wanna tell
you this-- cause-- well, I
didnt wanna hurt your feelings. But, I cant love you, because
Im in love with someone else!
D: Who? Who are you in love with?
G: Like, Im gonna tell you?
D: Oh-- I wont hurt him. Look--
I swear it! Even my enemies
know me as a man of my word.
G: Forget it. I tell you and Joxers as good as--
D: Joxer? J-- Joxer?! That pip-squeak?! I will kill him!
G: No! You gave your word that you wouldnt hurt him.
D: Oh, I wont. I will cut his head
off so fast-- he wont
feel a thing.
Ds Voice from outside: Confine her to my tent.
G: Joxer.
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X: You all right?
J: Xena-- fine. Its Gabrielle Im
worried about. Dracos got
her, and I swear, if he even touches her, Im gonna hunt him down
and kill him.
X: Great-- so youve got it, too.
J: What?
X: This love-thing thats going around.
Havent you noticed?
First, I fall for Draco, and then Gabrielle falls for you, and
then, Draco falls for Gabrielle!
J: Who could be in very big trouble right now.
X: Wait! Slow down. Gabrielles going
to be fine just as long
as Dracos in love with her. Its you whos gonna get killed
when he finds out that shes in love with you! So, what is the
big picture here? Whats going on?
J: I dont know. Love-- chaos-- Aphrodite?
X: Yeah, thats what I thought at
first. But theres no vanity
in it. It seems so haphazard. Its like some childs game.
Warriors Voice: Hail, Draco!
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D: So, youre the little piss-ant my woman loves.
J: Thats me.
D: Gabrielle wont even know youre gone.
J: Oh?
X: Im sorry, Sweetie, that hurt
me a lot more than it hurt
you. Sweetie? Did I say, Sweetie? Ive never
used that
word in my life before. But, hes so cute. Joxer-- you know
what to do. Hurry, theres no time to lose!
J: Dont worry-- I wont fail you.
X: Oh.
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G: Xena.
X: Shh.
G: Im sorry. I thought it was Draco coming back.
X: No, not yet. But he wont be out long, so lets go.
G: What about Joxer? We have to find him.
Draco will kill
him.
X: He already left. Now, come on.
G: He left without me?
X: He had to. I sent him on a mission!
Can we get outta
here?!
G: A mission-- of course. What a guy!
X: A prince.
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D: Xena! A truce! We need to talk!
X: So talk.
D: I had the score of a decade. Then you
show up, and not only
_wreck_ it-- but you make me look bad in front of my woman.
X: Well, aint love a bitch?!
D: Wait! Give me the girls and Gabrielle--
or I will torch the
place and everyone inside it.
X: You would kill the woman you love.
D: The question is-- would you? [Laughs]
No-- that-- code of
honor you cleave to wouldnt let you watch em burn. So-- we can
do this the _hard_ way-- or not. Your call.
X: Gabrielles not the woman for
you, Draco. I am. And Ill
prove it to you. Those virgins-- you want em? Take them.
Theyre yours.
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[ACT IV]
X: What are you waiting for? Take them--
unless youre worried
that your men may devalue them.
D: Corral those virgins!
Warriors: All right! Come on! Lets get em!
D: And make sure they stay that way, or
its your hides! Why
are you doing this?
X: For love.
D: But you know that Im in love with Gabrielle.
X: Im counting on it.
Pinullus [P]: Draco.
D: Pinullus!
P: My men are on their way. But I came
ahead, just as soon as
I got your note. Is this the Amazon?
X: No, Im Xena. And youre Pinullus.
D: What note?! I never sent you a note!
P: Well, I got it right here. Adding
one Amazon Princess to
the deal. Signed, Draco.
D: Let me look at that!
X: Here they are.
P: And wheres the Amazon?
D: There is no Amazon! This note is a fake!
P: What?!
X: Draco-- come on. Just because you wanna
keep her for
yourself doesnt mean you can welsh on a deal.
P: Shes right.
D: Shes the one that faked the note!
Oh, you are good. But,
trust me, Pinullus! There is no Amazon Princess!
X: Then, whats she?
D: Gabrielle!
P: Shes magnificent. Ill take her!
D: Touch her and die! That woman is mine!
P: So, Xena was right. You are trying to double-cross me.
[Fight]
X: Get those girls out of here, quick.
G: Lets go!
Cr: After them!
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G: This way! Come on!
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Warriors: Come on! Where are
they? They couldnt just
vanish!
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X: Didnt your mother ever teach
you not to hit a man while
hes down?
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Warriors: What are they, bimbos?
Dont touch em-- Dracoll
kill us!
Virgins: Where are they? Where
did they go? Oh, boys--
olley, olley, oxen--free!
Pr: Come back! We wont bite-- hard.
G: Girls! Come back! Youre going the wrong way! Wait!
Virgin: Dont play hard to get!
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G: Are you crazy?!
D: Gabrielle!
X: Draco?
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G: Where are you?!
D: Gabrielle, stop!
G: Ah!
D: Gabrielle, dont defy me!
J: Xena! Look! I did it! Hes here! Come on! Lets go!
X: Draco, I know youre in here, someplace!
Virgin: You woolly character!
J: Xena, I got him! Hes here! Where
are you? Come on!
Lets go!
G: Joxer? Joxer?
D: Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Come back here!
Whoa! Uh!. Xena!
I shouldve known.
X: So should I. When Gabrielle fell for
Joxer, me for you, you
for her, I shouldve known something was wrong then.
D: What do you mean?
X: These feelings that were having--
hmm, gods know, they seem
real, but-- but theyre not. If Im right, theyre from Cupids
arrows.
D: Youd say anything to win me, wouldnt you?
X: No, but this happens to be true. Think about it.
D: I dont need to think about it.
I _know_ how I feel. And I
wont stop until I make Gabrielle feel the same way for me. So,
_give it up_, Xena! Stop trying to change me!
X: Youre right. You cant change
the one you love. So, wise
up. Gabrielle could never love someone who lives off hurting
others. You cant change her. So, if you want to win her love--
you better change yourself.
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G: Joxer!
J: Gabrielle.
G: Aw-- thank the gods!
J: I do.
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C: Oh, no you dont. Youve
caused me quite enough trouble for
one day, young man. Your mother and I have searched Olympus all
over looking for you. So, you consider yourself grounded. OK?
X: About time you clipped his wings.
C: Yeah, well, I was a little tied up.
X: Oh.
C: Thanks for finding my boy. I owe you one.
X: Yeah, cause if word about this
ever got out, youd look
kind of foolish, huh?
C: Whatll cost me to see that it doesnt?
X: Dont worry about it. Just put
everyone back to normal, and
well call it even-- starting with me, and ending with those
virgins.
C: Deal.
X: Thats it?
C: Yeah-- easy come, easy go
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G: Whats going on?
J: A love so deep, few have ever known it.
G: What?!
J: A love so deep, few have ever known it.
X: Cupid-- forget it. Hes for real.
C: Oh-- happens.
D: There you are.
G: Oh!
D: Ive tried to make you love me
every way I can. But
nothings worked. So now Ill-- Ill try it your way.
G: My way?
D: Instead of hurting people, Ill
try and he-- Ill try and
help them. From now on, whenever I loot a town or raid a
village, Ill only kill the old people-- or-- maybe just the men
over 50. Livestock? OK, all right, all right-- Ill only kill--
other looters and raiders. Look, the point is-- everything I do
will be for you. So, dont forget me, Gabrielle. The gods know,
I wont forget you.
X: Leave him. Love suits him.
P: You wuss! Oh! Oh, oh.
D: I think Im gonna like this helpful stuff.
X: Well-- you cant win em all.
G: Hmm.
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G: I never knew love could be so exhausting.
X: Yeah, but, worth the work.
G: Xena-- do I hear-- a touch of romance in your voice?
X: Not if I hear a touch of the I
told you so in yours.
Besides, these werent exactly normal circumstances.
G: Yeah, Ill say. [Laughs] Can you
imagine the two of us in
love?
J: Ridiculous
G: Yeah-- kind of makes you laugh just to think about it.
J: Hah-hah.