::from melo::
[Feb.02.2003 08:46:14am pst]
another diary scan and a lot more; you'll need time

And it completely sucks when you take a shower so nobody knows that you're crying and you have to convince yourself that it's okay and repeat a thousand times that you're never going to hurt yourself, but maybe stop eating because it'll make things okay and then realise what you've thought and hate yourself more and miss everything you have because what if you didnt have it anymore?

and you stand in the water for an extra twenty minutes because you cant stop crying but you've wasted so much time and you've wasted so much water so you get out and decide if you start crying again you got shampoo in your eyes and if you shake uncontrollably just run away and lock the door even though it's not your room in the first place

and you take everything off of your walls that you ever put up because you were happy and you wanted to be reminded of what you had every second

and you turn up your music too loud so that you can never hear anybody else talk because one sound of their voice will make you cry again and you dont know when you'll be able to stop and the whole time you had to sing because if you stopped then you'd start to think and start to cry and you'd wonder what it felt like and you'd want to ask your friends what if feels like to hurt yourself because maybe it'd make things better and you dont want to think that because you're not supposed to because there's nothing wrong with you because you never actually did anything you never cut yourself or tried to kill yourself you never really starved yourself to one second away from death you've never been rushed to the hospital and watched every second and nobody's ever even noticed something was wrong because there isnt because you dont get help until it all happened you dont get help until you dont want it anymore until nothing at all matters and you just want to die but i'm half way there and it's all just a joke because it's not a serious condition at all because everyone has it when everybody was dying they thought it was horrible but they fed them chocolate and killed the rest because they didnt know any better they gave them what they loved because they wanted to help but it killed them

the ones who think they care the most are the problem and they'll never get it they'll just think that it's all going to go away in two seconds there could never be anything wrong, no, it's just my friends and all of the things i dont do. it was a bad week because school was tough and the weekend will make it better, yeah, the weekend will give me a break...

::from melo::
[Jan.28.2003 12:28:20pm pst]
she is

i hate making mistakes but i made them today and i do everyday and that's what disappoints me and that's what makes me feel dumb. mistakes... and uh. i didnt think i was some big perfectionist and i guess i'm still not, i dont have to make things perfect, i just have to make them like everybody else and when i fail to do even that, that's when i'm bothered by it forever like now. cos this morning in ceramics i put my notebook out on my tray with my clay and stuff and we were supposed to put them in some box in the room and i forgot and so i'm like the only one who didnt do it and she told us not to put them on our trays and i just did cos i wasnt thinking about it.. like i thought that's where we were supposed to put them and it's such a dumb thing like it's no big deal but i feel like it is because it just makes me feel so stupid... yeah just had to get it out cos it's going to bother me for the rest of my life and i really dont want it to. i wish i could just let everything like that go.

+BATTERY-

::from lj::
[17 Nov 2002|02:37pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]
[ music | bright eyes - a perfect sonnet ]
i <3 this song.

Lindseys party was nice. When we slept over... well, Erica and Becca and Julie went over to Rachels house and Becca never came back, but Erica and Julie did at like 7:00 or summat like that. Me and Amanda stayed over at Lindseys and uhhh yep. Me and Lindsa-ly had our couch all night and at one point I was almost crying because... I dont know why. I guess because I was with her and that's what I wanted but like it was weird because I didnt know what it meant... Like is it just going to be that night, or is it going to be more? Yeah... but... then after a while it was okay. And it made me happy. hehe. cuz she all squeezed the death out of me (squeezed the death? the life? heh who knows) a few times and i dunno it made me feel loved hehe. this morning when I had to leave, we kissed. no oogly googly slibba slobba kiss, though, just.. a kiss. And it didnt feel weird. It didnt feel weird be in her arms all night... asleep... awake... it didnt feel weird to hold her hand or to kiss her and you'd think that it would. but it didnt, not one single bit. i feel like we're just supposed to be together... but I cant do anything about it... and I dont mind that. I love her :) -xoami

::from lj::
[12 Jul 2002|11:34am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | The Raincoats - Black and White ]

so last night was interesting...

sometime pretty late.. i dunno when, sometime after 10:30... Rose calls me all cryin and stuff, and so i talked to her for a while.. cuz now, instead of just Allie movin, Jon's movin back to Tennessee for good... yeah that's gotta really suck :/

But then we hung up and yeah.. i was tryin to go to sleep. But I got to thinkin and then I got to twitchin and then I got to talkin (to myself) and then I got to cryin and I just couldnt sleep. So I watched Roseanne and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and the Crocodile Hunter on Conan and then I went to sleep... yeah somewhere in between it all, i was standin in the living room (cuz that's where i was sleepin) and I just started dancing like.. freakishly. It just all came out and it was pretty cool. yeah sorta scary though.. heh. but amusing.

So then I went to sleep... pretty late. woke up around 7:00.. layed there till 9:30 pretending to be asleep.. cuz it was one of those times where people could be talking to me and hitting me and i'd still keep a straight face -- gotta love it.

Yep but last night kinda sucked. I'm tired of goin to sleep on a wet pillow.

::from lj::
[09 Jul 2002|12:58pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | the raincoats - the void ]

one two three! three two one!

everybody bothers me and i dont have a reason i just dont care like i'm sick of people because they're just all so stupid. i was looking through the yearbook the other day, the one from 2000-2001. the highschool one... yeah. this guy had this quote in there and it makes me like him. he said-- "During highschool I feel that you trade dignity and self-esteem for a pleasant place in a shallow peer group." haha. his name is... Nate Murr. Yep, I think that's great.

i dont want to do anything.
except, maybe if i left.
my family sucks i dont want to be with them, not right now.
i've been in this house too long. around only them too long.
my mom says "do you want to play a game? we havent played scrabble for a long time"
i used to love that game, and i would play it.. if i werent playing her.
i turned to my dog. i hate that dog, but i'd rather play with her.
i tried to play fetch with her. *shakes head in disappointment*
i think she's forgotten how. oh well.
so i was bored yesterday and it was cold in the house so i went outside.
and i didnt have anything to do, so i picked up sticks.
i had a good time. patheticly sad.

i have flute lessons tonight. *anger and frustration*
playing the flute wouldnt be so bad if my mom would just SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she pisses me off.

one two three. three two one...

::from lj::
[06 Jul 2002|05:00pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | PJ Harvey - Beautiful Feeling ]
thunder wishes it could be the snow

I feel fresh and stuff. hehe. Like... I dunno. It's just one of those days where my eyes are wide open and I'm not really bothered by anything much. It's a day for relaxin yeah...

This morning I got up around 9:30 and started to watch Spaceballs, but then my mom and I went to the orchard to pick cherries... we got 11 pounds! Ack, my grandma only wanted 2.. hehehe. Yep then we went to my grandma's and sat out on the patio and I ate cookies (she just baked em this morning. mmmm) and white cheddar cheese curls (the best kind!) and drinkin koolaid. :D hehe it was a nice day out. Eugh I was so sick of it always bein so hot and stuff... beh. yep and I went to get her mail and then sat around some more and I helped her with this puzzle cuz she couldnt figure out the border, and all it needed was a little re-aranging. yep it made me feel smart :D hehehe. me loves puzzles. Yeah.. then we went to Twin Kiss and ate and then we went to BJs and i got chocolate milk *woohoo* and... then we came home. And I was poppin cherries. lol. Yeah but now I'm done... eugh. Next I gotta practice my lessons cuz i told momo that i would :( I dont wanna! *cry*