21.12.05

How do you stop a pot of water from boiling without turning off the gas? You cant. Unless you tip the pot of water over. Then you just have a puddle all over your kitchen floor.
New shoes that hurts feet but looks gorgeous. Fuck.
Stuck at home tutoring. Fuck.
Wednesday night. Heat peaking through airless windows. Sick with the cold. Fuck Fuck.
Boyfriend out with his 'best mate' and his 'best mate's sister'. Fuck.
Alone at home with box of tissues and a set of dvds whilst boyfriend is out drinking with his 'best mate' and his 'best mate's sister'. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
Feeling like you're about to explode into a massive super nova of little angry pieces, each and every one of them wanting to kill that shithead you call a boyfriend. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
Having no reason to confront him or stop him because its his 'best mate' and his 'best mate's sister' and he needs his time to his friends and you're not the possessive crazy girlfriend so you have to pretend to be okay whilst inside you're exceeding the limit of bodily temperature. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
Knowing that they're drinking and having fun and they share memories from long ago that were too 'sublime' too forget and that the 'best mate's sister' is wonderfully 'wreckless' but cannot 'assume' or 'accuse' of acts that may or may not occur sometime tonight or in the near future whilst other doubts and 'tainted' memories flood the growing vat of furiousity but simultaneously trying to tell yourself to trust to trust to trust. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
Sitting here a lonely fool accompanied by her own insercuities and frustration and yet knowing that its because you love him that you are like this because you can never do it to him you can never abandon him at home with no come backs because you are going out with your 'best friend' and your 'best friend's whatever' and he is stuck at home with the cold in the middle of summer because he is commited to whatver on a Wednesday night and he messages you once in a while to tell you that hes not doing wrong thats reassuring i want to be there dammit why arent i there why arent i out why am i becoming like the possessive crazy girlfriend that im trying so hard not to become and why the hell arent i using more full stops when i know clearly i need to stop this insanity this absurdity this lunacy of love. Fucken hell.
The stakes are too high.


16.12.05

What truth lies beneath a still face? Peel away the skin and you have a vacant lot. Occupied by a swarm of buzzing silence and a void of lonliness. How monotonous life has become that even spending money isn't enough to fill in the gaps of endless time. I sit. I eat. I spend. I weep the sorrow of a fading child. I age. What a fiasco. As debt and lonliness initiates growth. I sink in an abyss of tomorrows.


7.12.05

Let's not dwell too much in the past. Or too much in the present. Neither is good for the health. What is lived is already bygone. What is living is waiting to go. However formidable they may be, remember their existence lies only in the short sigh of a breath. Nothing more and nothing less. I sighed enough times to free all bygones. Now I prevail between breaths where the dust gathers and hides.


6.12.05

Messy ain't it?
Kaleidoscope of fancy fluroscents and neons, thats what you are. Flashes of brillance and hints of splendor. What makes you so dazzling? Tantalizing colours of promise, you shimmered a pretty mirage of everything I could ever want. Like a little winged creature mesmerized by the glowing light, I tumble after your presence. Only to find, no glamour, no sparkle, no nothing but a matchstick - burning its time away. Your glow was nothing but a orange flicker of a mere flame so frail, it shivers to the call of wind. Your flame dances to a fading tune luring in protection. Let me cup you safe in my hands. Let me make you my warm centre. Let me tumble.
For this is what it has come to, fly too close and your wings will burn into a plume of brown dust. Fly too far and you will plummet to the ground with cold. I am the little thing held by your lukewarm touch, unable to escape and unable to leave.