Shame is the result of the innocent young mind's misinterpretation of the abuse as being her fault. A survivor may blame herself for allowing it to happen (even though it is always the adult or person of authority's responsibility to control appropriate sexual behavior); she may blame herself for not telling (even though she may not have been developmentally able to cope with making that decision or would have increased her risk of danger by doing so); she may blame herself if her body responded to the sensations of the abuse or if parts of the abuse were enjoyable (even though this is a normal physiological and emotional reaction); she may blame herself for going against what she, even at a young age, knew was intrinsically wrong (even though it is forced on her and she has no choice); and she may blame herself for not stopping it (even though she has no control over her abuser, and may have been threatened physically, verbally, or implied from a position of authority.)
It is a strange and sad phenomenon how the victim of sexual abuse almost exclusively blames herself for the abuse.It is ironic that the survivor experiences shame because she is acutely aware, even as a child, that the abuse is wrong and perverted, and yet her adult abuser does not. The child often uses a self-destructive coping mechanism of turning the blame inward because it would shatter the stability in her life if she should blame her abuser, and she cannot cope with that. Who would protect her if a person in her life who is supposed to protect her is, in fact, intentionally harming her? This concept is too frightening to the psyche of a child and it would destroy her world if it were true. So, as a protection, the child compartmentalizes what the abuser is doing to her and she, instead, focuses on herself as being the one to blame because that is easier for her to cope with. In addition, the shame is enhanced because it is difficult for the survivor to see the good in herself when she has "done so many bad things." This lays a foundation of negative self-esteem, which is reinforced by continuous thoughts of shame. These thoughts create a feeling of worthlessness, which, in turn, makes the survivor vulnerable to destructive, self-sabotaging behaviors. This negative cycle is nearly impossible to break, especially as a child, without early and intensive therapy, which is unlikely because the shame usually prevents the child from disclosing her horrid secret until her adult mind is able to cope with it many years later. It is difficult to stop negative, destructive behavior when the survivor does not care about herself or, worse, secretly hopes something bad will happen to her to end her pain. Because the feelings of shame build on themselves though the years of secrecy, they can thoroughly erode her self-esteem and increase her feelings of isolation, which may lead to hopelessness and thoughts of suicide in desperation to avoid the never-ending pain.
The domino effect of shame undermines her confidence, increases her fear, and steals her trust in herself, which soon creates a feeling of self-loathing and lack of self-respect. All these negative feelings compounded on each other numb her feelings and her needs. She doesn't feel she deserves the good things in life and is often even afraid of feeling good because it is unfamiliar to her. The ability to nurture herself is robbed from her, and she becomes resigned to feeling negative feelings all the time. She may create a barrier around herself as an attempt to protect herself, which usually only serves to add to her feelings of isolation. Many times, a survivor sets herself up for failure in order, ironically, to avoid the fear of failure; she may unknowingly exhibit behavior that sabotages herself to subconsciously reinforce her failures.
All of these negative feelings may seem like insurmountable hurdles to get over. Because these feelings are insidious and deep-seated, they are, in fact, difficult to change, mainly because they are frequently not acknowledged. It is crucial to recognize that these destructive patterns are set into motion by the abusers, but they are perpetuated by the victim. The survivor must take the responsibility to break this cycle. But she cannot change what she does not acknowledge, so she will need to be ultra aware of how she treats herself. She will need to be gentle and patient with herself because this change does not happen over night. To start, she can make a vow to herself to stop all negative thoughts or things she says about herself, even in fun. She can then apologize to herself, and replace the thoughts with a positive affirmation. This may feel contrived and uncomfortable at first, but it will soon grow to feel good to her.
Breaking the silence and telling someone she trusts can also help to attack the shame. Surrendering to the reality that as a child or teenager, the survivor had no control or power over her abuser, placing the responsibility where it belings--exclusively with the abuser--and forgiving herself are essential, empowering steps in letting go of the shame and blame. Unfortunately, just recognizing these facts intellectuallly may not be enough to rid her of her shame. This is an important distinction. A survivor may also feel that her abuse "was not as bad as others," and so she should not complain, or that her sharing will not be as valuable in a support group, but the abuse of one person does not take away the feelings another survivor has from her own abuse, and all experiences are valuable to share. Reading the From Survivor to Thriver Manual and attending the Support Group Meetings may help her through this process.