I feel it is our responsibilty to help ourselves, and it is our right to be happy. But the decision to let go of the past does not alone let the past go, although it is the first step. The process of recovery to let go of the past is what will finally relieve us of the burden of our past abuse. I had no choice in my recovery; my inner self forced me to do it. In order to survive, I had to do it. I could not continue to live in such misery. I could not continue to live within my worst enemy--myself. And now, I live each day with my best friend inside me, someone who listens to my needs, someone who nurtures me when I'm down, someone who learns from my mistakes and does not judge me, and someone who loves me and trusts in me unconditionally--myself. The good news is everything you need for recovery is within you. We cannot change the abuse in the past, but we can change how we deal with it. We can take back the control in our lives. Use your anger not self-destructively against yourself, but use it constructively in defense of yourself. Don't give your abuser any more power over your life to allow you to feel miserable. Stand up, get mad, and use that anger to fight for yourself and for your right to be happy. You deserve it!
I cannot hold back the joy of experiencing the beauty of everyday life, and I have to share it with the survivors who are asking if the pain will ever end. Have faith. Keep going, my friend, because your hard work will pay off. I promise the pain from the abuse will end if you go through the whole process. Everyone is different and everyone must go through it at her own pace. There is no wrong way, no right way, and unfortunately no easy way to do it. There is no way around it but to go through it. I found that I would work on it for a couple of years, and then I would need a break from it. Let your inner self set the pace for you.
I will be starting a support group in Williams, Arizona, for Women Survivors of ?Childhood Sexual Abuse (WSCSA) in October 2005. I am excited to offer this support because I feel it can be extremely helpful for women to bond and share with other survivors while working through some difficult issues. It is very difficult to make this journey alone, although it is possible. I only went to two support meetings while I was in recovery (because of location problems). I never said a word, but I cried all the way through them and the survivors validated my feelings greatly with their stories which were invaluable to me. I feel I can help speed up the recovery process by guiding you through the needed steps as opposed to blindly finding you way as I did. I have found that most survivors have very little, if any, support as they deal with their feelings of sexual abuse. Many family members do not understand the devastating effects of abuse and often tell the survivors that it is "in the past, and you can't change it, so get on with your life." This is the worst possible thing a survivor can hear as it dismisses her feelings that are essential to acknowledge in order to recover. (See How Family Members Can Help) Feelings do not go away by ignoring them; they only become more intense as they try to struggle out of repression and awaken the conscious mind to their pain. Many survivors also are not believed by their families, or their families side with the abuse (why this happens is beyond me!). In the support group, you will be believed! You will be offered only positive support and compassion, and you will not be questioned. This is a safe environment with unconditional support, so you will be able to concentrate on your own needs in your individual recovery.
I feel it is essential to address three areas in recovery: (1) Working through the feelings of sexual abuse, (2) identifying and actively changing the dysfunctional thought processes that you have adopted as a means of coping which are no longer helpful to you now, and are, in fact, detrimental to you, and (3) learning how to truly nurture yourself. (This does not mean merely saying you love yourself or treating yourself to a massage or pedicure; it means being in tune with what your needs are and addressing them in a manner that gives you peace and strength.) The support group will use a From Survivor to Thriver Manual and we will offer writing exercises from The Courage to Heal--A guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse to work through the feelings of abuse. We will also use information from a book, Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins, to help change your thought processes to serve you better. (You may also choose to purchase a Christian based recovery book entitled Shelter from the Storm: Hope for Survivors of Sexual Abuse.) Nurturing yourself will slowly follow as you go through these steps. The main purpose of the support group, however, is to create a forum where you are able to ventilate and relate your experiences with others, and to gain insight and validation from the stories of others.
The recovery process is like learning to walk. It takes time, and you will fall, but your natural development will help you to progress. Let us be the hands that reach out to you to catch you when you fall. We will comfort you and encourage you to get back on your feet again until you are walking on your own effortlessly. You may find it helpful to keep a journal of your recovery experiences. Writing exercises can be a very therapeutic way to express and to work through your feelings, and to evaluate your progress through the recovery process. Many survivors find writing poems is an excellent way to delve into deeper feelings. I enoyed writing poems because I could look up words in the dictionary to find the exact words I needed to express precisely how I felt. It encouraged me to really analyze my feelings to discover where I was experiencing the most pain, so I could then work on those feelings. Music is another excellent way to explore your feelings, whether it is through the lyrics of the song, or through the melody or feel of the music.
You are welcome to join our support group to share your experiences or to just listen with no pressure. You may come to just one meeting, you may come off and on as you feel you need it, or you may come throughout your entire recovery. For more information on the support group, how the meetings will be run, please read the Support Group Meetings You are welcome to come to any meeting without prior arrangements. Even if you feel the support group is not for you at this stage, please download the From Survivor to Thriver Manual (for free) and read through it at your own pace to at least recognize the steps needed for recovery. I encourage you to read, read, read! (See NAPAC-Resources) I know it can be a frightening experience to delve into so many raw feelings, but take baby steps. There is no time limit and no rush. At least start now, though, because your life is waiting for you!