Fear
Fear is the automatic, physiological response the body exhibits when a survivor thinks about or tells someone about her sexual abuse. It is the racing heart, sweaty palms, tight chest, cold and clammy feeling, nausea, quavering voice, and involuntary shivering that the body cannot disguise. It is what makes her shy away from new opportunities and prevents her from taking any risks in her life, even to improve it. And it is what makes her rigidly attempt to unrealistically control all aspects of her life. It is not just the fear of the actual abuse or of personal safety; it is the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of loss of control, the fear of intimacy, the fear of betrayal, the fear of the unknown.... It is endless.

I didn't realize until the end of my recovery how much my life had been driven by fear. I was afraid to do anything that I couldn't be assured of doing perfectly--which, of course, was not much. So, I spent most of my life as a spectator in order to protect myself from potential danger that probably would have never even happened. In addition, it did not protect me from other unperceived situations that happened to me as a part of normal life. This fear is definitely the cause of my perfectionism as I tried to control my situation to compensate for the lack of control I had during my abuse as a child, and for my fear of failure and the fear of the unknown as an adult. I felt I needed to be especially diligent in order to be prepared for and protect myself from any "surprise" dangers.

It is also typical for a survivor to become a "control freak." She may justify it to herself that she is "organized" or "efficient," when in reality her fear of losing control is overwhelming, and her anxiety increases if everything is not in order. The survivor may also appear to be over-confident when she is actually compensating for her insecurities.

Fear rears its ugly head in different forms that may not be recognizable to the survivor. Letting go of the fear and the control will not come until the survivor begins to trust herself. Like all the other changes in the recovery process, this will take time. It will take practice for the survivor to be able to recognize the anxiety and fear that result when she does not have complete control. She will need to be aware of the first signs of the cold wave or flip-flop in her stomach, or the pounding of her heart, and continuously reassure herself that she is safe and nurture whatever needs are presenting themselves. Making a habit of frequently focusing on the feelings her body is trying to communicate with her through her feelings will allow her to build the self-awareness essential to learning to nurture herself. As she learns to listen to her own needs, she will grow to trust herself. This trust in herself will allow her to have the courage to take some positive risks, and it will allow her to make better decisions in regards to her life, and then her fear will dissipate as she becomes more successful.