WRITING AILMENTS

Anyone who's spent any time in the writing arena is familiar with the common ailments, cooties, crudoids, and job related hazards that come with the territory. In case you are a writing newbie who needs help identifying, and possibly obtaining cures for, some of these sicknesses, I'm listing them for your benefit.

 

*G'out - No, not the common and very painful disease known as "gout", but just about as irksome. This illness especially plagues writing parents and those who are married to overly dependent spouses. You will recognize the symptoms if you find yourself thinking, saying, or screaming phrases such as "G'out my room/office!" "Please just G'out my space for 5 minutes while I finish up this article," or "#@$#@#!!, G'out my face!"   There is no known cure for G'out, but researchers and scientific writers are working diligently to locate a remedy. G'out sufferers' best hope is to live long enough to again establish a life of their own.

*The Terrible T's - (Note: again, this malady invariably afflicts writers with young 'uns!) This mysterious ailment is not totally defined, explained, or identified in its entirety. There is little hope for medication or homeopathic cures. Funding is currently being sought for double blind studies at labs across the country. Warning signs for the onset of The Terrible T's (TTT) are the uncanny interruptions brought about when the writer inadvertently or on purpose touches one of the following items: tub, telephone, table, technology, or any other T word that is standard writing equipment. Doing so somehow alerts others in the vicinity that it is time to drop in unannounced, throw a temper tantrum, vie for your uninterrupted attention, or otherwise cause chaos. TTT is a known killer of writing effort and is to be avoided at all costs if possible. Physically removing yourself by a distance of at least 50 miles from those who surround you is the only known help.

*Spouse-itis - This ailment is characterized in several ways. If you can answer "Yes" to this short quiz, then you too, are a Spouse-itis sufferer. Does your spouse:

1.) deride and demean your writing efforts?

2.) prefer that you be cooking, mowing the lawn, or sitting glued

     to his/her side on the couch watching "Roseanne" reruns?

3.) ever make remarks such as, "When you're through doodling

     on the computer, can ya come here for a second?"

4.) ask, "What is it that you are doing at that desk at 1 a.m.?"

5.) refer to your writing projects as "hobbies"?

 

Although the list of writing-induced sicknesses are increasing, I hesitate to draw attention to many more for fear of running off the weak of heart. More seasoned writers have learned to overcome these trying illnesses, and are actually better for it. These setbacks and temporary "bugs" only boost their writing immune systems and give them fortitude. And remember, there is strength in numbers, hope in ignoring minor symptoms, and the knowledge that most writing diseases will eventually leave veterans to seek out fresh blood!