The last time we saw Kurt Angle he witnessed for the first time, the human wrecking ball that is Samoa Joe on videotape. Kurt became scared for his life and along with his partners in crime Colt Cabana and Sable, the three hatched a plan that would see them taking out Samoa Joe before Kurt’s scheduled match with the Samoan Submission Machine in a few days time at Saturday Night Stroke. Along with Kurt’s favorite group of cheerleaders, The Spirit Squad, and his Pittsburgh boy Shane Douglas – who showed up out of nowhere somehow – the group was making their way to Kurt’s bus to find Samoa Joe and take him out.

We reopen the scene to Kurt Angle’s giant silver tour bus rolling down a highway. The cameras take us inside where the whole group of troops is. The Spirit Squad are in the corner discussing who’s gonna take who to the prom in the coming months, while also dealing with problems of drug abuse, under age drinking, and their falling grades. Kurt is sitting in a chair surrounded by his Team Angle partner Colt Cabana, Sable and Shane Douglas.

Kurt Angle: So…where do you think this guy could be at?

Shane Douglas scratches his beard.

Shane Douglas: HAHAHA!!! WHERE THE FUCK DO I THINK THAT FAT SAMOAN BASTARD IS?!? WHY DON’T WE FUCKIN’ CHECK ALL THE MCDONALD’S AROUND THIS FUCKIN’ TOWN!!

Kurt Angle: Yeah…maybe…but…

Douglas, sweating like a beast as always buts into Kurt’s speech once again.

Shane Douglas: I SAY WE GO TO THE FUCKIN’ BUFFET TABLES!!! THAT FAT BASTARD HAS GOTTA FUCKIN’ EAT EVERY TWENTY FIVE MINUTES!!! HAHAHAHA!! FUCKIN’ FAT PEOPLE!!

Colt Cabana: Man…what’s with the yelling?

Shane glares at Colt.

Shane Douglas: HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN’ MOUTH YOU GAY FAGGOT?!? THE FUCKIN’ FRANCHISE DOES WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS!!

Colt Cabana: If you don’t tone it down…I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to team with you at WrestleBrawl.

Douglas’ eyes go wide.

Shane Douglas: I’LL LOSE MY FUCKIN JOB!!!

He looks back over at Kurt who’s in deep thought.

Shane Douglas: KURT!!! FUCKIN’ TELL THIS ASSHOLE HE’S GOTTA FUCKIN’ HELP ME SAVE MY JOB!!

Kurt Angle: Colt…you’re helping Shane save his job. No Pittsburgh boy of mine will be left out in the streets homeless.

Douglas sticks his finger in Cabana’s face.

Shane Douglas: IN YOUR FUCKIN’ FACE CABANA!! YOU GOTTA TEAM WITH THE FRRRRRRANCHISE IF YOU WANNA FUCKIN’ BE IN KURT’S FUCKIN’ GROUP!!

Cabana rolls his eyes, he doesn’t care anymore.

Kurt Angle: Alright…to the buffet it is.

Sable pats Kurt on the shoulder.

Sable: Kurt…

Kurt Angle: I can’t play Twister now Sable, maybe when we get home.

Shane Douglas: I’LL PLAY FUCKIN’ NAKED TWISTER WITH THIS COCK LOVING BITCH!!

Kurt Angle: Shane…I think there’s some Nyquil in the bathroom back there. Help yourself.

Shane storms off.

Sable: Kurt are we really going to the buffet?

He shrugs.

Kurt Angle: I think it’s perfect.

Sable: Samoa Joe is probably training at the arena or punching meat in a freezer somewhere!

Colt Cabana: Yeah like in the first Rocky. That one was best…two had it’s moments with Apollo Creed, and three…who can forget three with Clubber Lang…”I pitty that fool Balboa.” Four was okay, but five lacked storyline depth…

Kurt Angle: Colt, not now.

Cabana hangs his head.

Kurt Angle: Sable, look. I know from my experience with fat people…and believe me I’ve had a lot of experience with them! The average weight of each person in this country has to be about…four hundred pounds. And lets face it…I’m an American Hero and role model for every child in these United States, but I can’t be everybody’s personal nutritionist! They should know that if you eat three Double Big Macs a day you’re pound to pack the pounds on.

Sable: But Joe’s got endurance…he’s wrestled sixty minute draws.

Kurt rolls his eyes.

Kurt Angle: Well whoop dee FREAKIN’ doo! You think it’d take me sixty minutes to beat a guy like CM Punk??

Colt Cabana: I beat him in like half an hour.

Kurt points to Cabana.

Kurt Angle: See? So it’d take me like…

He does some math on his fingers.

Kurt Angle: Three and a half minutes to beat him. And that’s including ring entrances and introductions, Michael Buffer introductions.

Colt Cabana: You never cease to amaze me Kurt.

Kurt Angle: Hey…I didn’t just win these gold medals on dashing good looks alone!

There’s a slight pause as Kurt’s gone way off track here.

Kurt Angle: Anyway…not to offend all my fat fans out there…

Here it comes…

Kurt Angle: Because I know there’s a lot of you out there and no matter who you are or what you’re doing…whether it’s watching me it picture in picture while you’re also drooling watching the food channel, or watching regular people like me Kurt Angle…well let me rephrase that…I wouldn’t exactly call myself “normal”…SUPERIOR people like me doing things you could only dream of like…walking down a flight of stairs without have to stop three stairs down to catch your breath and take a twenty minute break, or even a simple task like being able to see your genitals by just looking down and not having to look in a giant mirror. I thank all of you for your support…but unfortunately one of your “KIND” Samoa Joe must fall at the hands of Your Olympic Hero.

The bus slowly comes to a stop.

Kurt Angle: Looks like we’re here.

All of a sudden…SMASH!! Kurt looks over to see Shane Douglas has just thrown a member of the Spirit Squad out the window!!

Kurt Angle: SHANE!!!?? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!?

Shane Douglas: ONE OF THESE FUCKIN’ DICK LICKERS SAID HE WAS GONNA GIVE ME A FUCKIN’ “X!”

Kurt Angle: So?

Shane Douglas: WELL NO GUY TRIES TO FUCK THE FUCKIN’ FRRRRRRRANIIIIIIIISE!!!

We see through the broken window Mitch of the Spirit Squad still jumping around like an idiot, not even feeling the effects of being thrown though a window and landing in shards of glass.

Mitch: WOOO HOOO!! YEAH!!! KURT RULES!!

Kurt Angle: Oh my god!! Mitch!! Are you okay?!?

Mitch: WOOT! WOOT!! LETS GO ANGLE!!

Kurt Angle: Mitch! You should sit down you’re bleeding from the ears!!

He is. But he would rather die then break character and do anything else but cheer.

Mitch: WOOOP! MITCH KNOWS!! MITCH KNOWS!! IT’S SOMETHING ID DO EVERY COUPLE A WEEKS!! YEAH!! KURT RULES!! EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS I EMPTY THE BLOOD OUTTA MY OWN HEAD!! YEAH! WOOT!! KRUT’S THE MAN!!

Shane Douglas: YOU FUCKIN’ COLON COWBOY’S BETTER FUCKIN’ STOP SCREAMING!! THAT’S TRADEMARKED TO THE FUCKN’ FRRRRRRANCHISE!! AHAHAHA!!

Kurt shakes his head.

Kurt Angle: Lets just go inside…this is too weird.

We reopen with Kurt and company entering the restaurant. They scout the people around and Colt’s face suddenly brightens up and he points.

Colt Cabana: THERE HE IS!!!

They all look.

Kurt Angle: No…that’s Konnan.

We see the former WCW superstar wearing sunglasses and a bandana, and an employee shirt with his name printed on it.

Konnan: ODELY!!! WHERE MY DOGS AT???

He starts collecting the dirty plates. Kurt Angle: Geez…how the mighty have fallen. It was just a few years ago he was making minimum wage in TNA as a Mexican…and now…instead of being in the Filthy Animals…he just is one.

Shane Douglas: HAHAHA!! ALL THE FUCKIN’ TACO BELLS MUST BE FUCKIN’ CLOSED!!

Konnan looks over.

Konnan: EH! Shane Douglas…how bout you move you ass outta here before I have to ROWDY ROWDY AND…

He throws his hand up in the air like he’s holding a microphone but nothing.

Kurt Angle: …sad.

Shane Douglas: KURT!!! CAN I FUCKIN’ KICK HIS ASS BACK TO THE FUCKIN’ BORDER!?!?

He shrugs. Kurt Angle: I can’t see any harm in that.

Shane walks over and BOOM!! He just PITTSBURGH PLUNGED KONNAN RIGHT THROUGH A TABLE!! Douglas bounces up off the ground.

Shane Douglas: YOU JUST GOT YOUR ASS….FRRRRRRRRRANHIIIIIIIIIIIISED!!

Kurt leans over and whispers to Sable.

Kurt Angle: You know…sometimes I think he might have some anger issues.

The janitor comes out and pulls Konnan away. Kurt continues looking for Joe.

Colt Cabana: Lets split up.

The Spirit Squad split up into all different directions and just before Colt gets away Kurt grabs his arm.

Colt Cabana: What are you doing?

Kurt Angle: Are you out of your FREAKIN’ mind?!?

Colt Cabana: Huh?

Kurt Angle: Have you never seen a horror movie?

Colt Cabana: Which one?

Kurt Angle: ALL OF THEM!!

Cabana scratches his head.

Colt Cabana: I haven’t had time to see all of them…

Kurt Angle: Every time a group of people get split up, what happens?

Colt Cabana: They all go in different directions?

Angle slaps Colt on the back of the head.

Kurt Angle: No! They all end up getting killed!

Colt Cabana: But Joe isn’t a murder.

Kurt Angle: Tell that to that poor Indian boy who’s still in the hospital!!

Colt Cabana: Sonjay isn’t even Indian…he’s Himalayan.

Kurt Angle: Potato-po-tat-o.

Colt Cabana: You’re worried if everybody leaves Joe’ll find you and kill you?

Kurt Angle: WELL IT IS HIS FREAKIN’ CATCHPHRASE!!!

Cabana nods.

Colt Cabana: You have a point there.

Kurt Angle: And who’s always the first one to go in those movies?

Colt Cabana: The hot chick?

Kurt Angle: No…the guy with superior intelligence, integrity and intensity!

Colt Cabana: What are you saying?

Kurt Angle: WE GOTTA FIND SHANE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!

We hear screams.

Shane Douglas: KURT!!! FUCKIN’ KURT…ANGLE!!! OVER THE FUCK HERE!!!

Kurt’s blood runs cold as he and Colt rush over to where the screams are coming from. When they get there they see their friend…well, Kurt’s friend Shane Douglas pointing at two men in the buffet line.

Shane Douglas: THERE HE FUCKIN’ IS!! THAT FAT FUCK SLOPPY JOE!!

Kurt looks at them with great intensity, it’s gotta be Samoa Joe.

Kurt Angle: Well…Samoa Joe, we finally meet. And who the heck are you?

The man he’s referring to is wearing a round hat and is holding a cigar in one hand with his plate in the other.

AAA: Hahaha…MY NAME…IS ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMANDO…ALLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEJAAAAAAANDRO…EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESTRADA!

Kurt Angle: What?

Estrada looks shocked Kurt couldn’t understand that.

AAA: I…I said…MY NAME…IS….ARRRRRRRRR…

Kurt holds his hand in front of Estrada, stopping him.

Kurt Angle: Cut it right there buster. I don’t know how you guys talk in the country of Samoan…

Colt Cabana: I think it’s Samoa.

Kurt Angle: Hmmm…Shane?

Shane Douglas: IT’S FUCKIN’ SAMOAN CABANA!! YOU PIECE OF FUCKIN’ DOG SHIT!!

Kurt Angle: See?

He turns his attention back to Estrada.

Kurt Angle: Anyway…I could really care less about you and your speech impediment. I wanna talk to your guy here Samoa Joe.

AAA: Samoa Joe? This is not Samoa Joe!

Kurt looks at the wrestler he was sure that was Joe. He smirks.

Kurt Angle: Oh…I get it. You’re PRETENDING that this isn’t Samoa Joe so you can sneek attack me! Well nice TRY BUCKO!! BUT YOU’RE NOT SNEAK ATTACKING KURT ANGLE!!

Estrada shakes his head.

AAA: No no no…THIS…IS THE SAMOAN-

Kurt Angle: Yeah we know…the Samoan Submission Machine. Well listen here buddy…I’m not a Samoan Machine…I DON’T LIVE IN A SWEATSHOP AND I’M NOT RUN BY CHILDREN!! I’m a WRESTLING MACHINE and I run at full tilt all FREAKIN’ day, every day!! So Joe…you don’t wanna wait until Saturday? All right, then lets do this right here, right now in a buffet rules match!!

Colt Cabana: Uh…Kurt…

Kurt Angle: Not now Colt.

Colt Cabana: No you really should hear this before you fight that guy.

Kurt Angle: Look, I don’t care what diseases Lita passed on to you, alright? It’s God’s way of punishing you before you two were married!!

Shane Douglas: WAIT A FUCKIN’ MINUTE!!

Colt Cabana: Oh no…

Shane Douglas: YOU’RE MEXICAN LOOKING ASS FUCKED LITA?!?

Colt Cabana: Yeah…closing in on three hundred times now in about three weeks.

Shane Douglas: HAHAHAHA!! YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!! NOT EVEN THE FUCKIN’ FRANCHISE WOULD FUCKIN’ TOUCH THAT STD CARRYING SLUT WITH A FUCKIN’ 100 FOOT FUCKIN’ POLE!!! AND THE FUCKIN’ FRRRRRRRANCHISE WOULD FUCK ANYTHING WITH TWO FUCKIN’ TITS AND A FUCKIN’ MOUTH HOLE!!

Colt Cabana: …okay.

Douglas looks over at Kurt with that crazy look in his eyes he only gets when…well he always looks like that, but you get the point.

Shane Douglas: KURT!! YOU WANT THIS FAT FUCKIN’ SLOB FUCKIN’ DEAD!!

Kurt Angle: Well I was thinking more of…

The Franchise grabs a steak knife off some guys table. The guy looks pissed.

Man: Hey!! I was using that asshole…

OH MY GOD!!! SHANE DOUGLAS JUST STABBED A MAN IN THE HEART!! He pulls the knife out and the guy’s head hits the table.

Shane Douglas: NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE FUCKIN’ FRANCHISE!!

He holds it up to Umaga who’s totally confused along with Estrada.

Shane Douglas: LETS FUCKIN’ DO THIS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Kurt doesn’t know what to think right now.

Kurt Angle: Uh…Shane?

Shane Douglas: LET ME CARVE THIS DICK SUCKIN’ FAGGOT UP FOR YOU KURT!!!

Kurt Angle: Shane…do you wanna keep your job at SGW?

Shane Douglas: WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!?

Kurt Angle: No…I’m an Olympic Gold Medallist.

Kurt Angle: Well, do you honestly think Jeff Jarrett is gonna want a convicted MURDERER on to conduct backstage interviews?

Douglas lowers the knife a little bit, thinking.

Kurt Angle: When Maria hasn’t committed a crime in her life against another human being..

Cabana leans over.

Colt Cabana: I’d say her time as owner was a crime against humanity.

Kurt Angle: Yeah but she never caused anybody to die.

Colt Cabana: Have you ever heard her talk?

Kurt nods in agreement.

Kurt Angle: Alright, but still…Shane, I suggest you cut your losses and get the HECK outta here. We’ll meet you in Rhode Island.

Kurt looks at the man Shane stabbed in the heart, blood all over the table.

Kurt Angle: That can’t be good for business.

Colt Cabana: I don’t think that’s good for anybody, especially the waiter.

Shane Douglas: HAHAHA!!! ALRIGHT FUCKIN’ KURT!! I’LL HIT THE FUCKIN’ ROAD AND LOOK FOR SOME BITCHES TO FUCK THE FUCKIN’ FRRRRRRANCHISE!!!

Kurt Angle: You do that…

Shane Douglas: AHAHAHAHA!!

Douglas drops the knife and walks out of the restaurant.

Kurt Angle: Okay, back to regular business. Now you listen to me Buster Brown…you better get outta the way because I’m about to destroy Samoa Joe here.

AAA: My NAME…IS…IS…well I’ll spare us the time. This MAN is the SAMOAN BULLDOZER…

He points to Umaga who’s grunting.

AAA: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMAGA!!!!

Kurt Angle: What?

Estrada pounds his head against the wall.

Colt Cabana: Kurt…this isn’t Samoa Joe.

Kurt Angle: He’s fat…and Samoan…it’s gotta be.

Colt Cabana: This is Umaga.

Kurt Angle: What’s an Umaga?

Colt Cabana: Remember the tag team Three Minute Warning?

Kurt Angle: Unfortunately, yes.

Colt Cabana: He was one half of the team.

Kurt Angle: Seriously?

Colt Cabana: Didn’t the weird face paint and that Sideshow Mel bone he has through his nose tip you off?

He shrugs.

Kurt Angle: I don’t live in Samoa…I thought this is how Joe must dress outside the ring.

Kurt looks at Estrada.

Kurt Angle: Well…my mistake. Sorry about the mix-up. And you…

He looks at Umaga’s face.

Kurt Angle: Sorry about the condom breaking.

Kurt looks like he’s about to say more but sees Samoa Joe’s latest promo on a TV in the corner of the restaurant. He walks over and sees the events of Bobby Heenan and Samoa Joe going to the Special Olympics training center.

Kurt Angle: Can you believe this Colt?

Colt Cabana: No…you could beat the crap outta that kid! Who does he think he is?

Kurt Angle: Not that. Samoa Joe and this washed up hack he calls a manager. Look Bobby Heenan may have been entertaining to the fans back when he was wearing a weasel suit and…well lets be honest that was the ONLY time you were entertaining!! But this is the year 2006!! Nobody even remembers you anymore! Heck…I thought you were dead!

Colt Cabana: He did almost die.

Kurt Angle: I’d probably die too if I found out I fat to manage Rikishi version 2.0 to get back into the business.

Colt laughs.

Kurt Angle: And what’s with the attitude Joe? You…all five hundred and twenty pounds of you think that you’re better then Kurt Angle? I won a freakin’ gold medal before you even had your first match!! And I don’t care how many times you’ve wrestled in a ring made out of coconuts; you don’t quite cut the mustard with me!!

Colt Cabana: Don’t feel bad Joe…Kurt’s the greatest wrestler alive, and you’re just…a slob.

Kurt Angle: And lets be real here…THE MUSCLE BUSTER?!? The Angle Slam is a MILLION TIMES more dangerous then that jobber move!! After our match, if you can still use both your legs I’ll teach you a move effective finishing move like a dropkick or closeline. And maybe I'll bring along that Jred guy from Subway to show you that it is possible to go from fat, revolting waste of space to skinny, annoying loser!

Colt Cabana: Where’s the Spirit Squad when you need them?

Kurt Angle: I’m UNDEFEATED in Solid Gold Wrestling…the GREATEST wrestling company in the world!! And in two weeks…while you’re cleaning up inside the arena in Boston after WrestleBrawl…I’ll be the NEW number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship!! And then I’ll be not only the greatest SGW superstar in history…I’ll be without a shadow of a doubt…the GREATEST and most decorated athlete this sport has ever seen! You better call up the Banana Boat company and book your ticket Joe, and make sure they get you a wheelchair after I break your freakin’ ankle!!

Colt Cabana: Welcome to the big leagues Joe, no fat chicks. Or lard asses like yourself are welcome in Team Angle’s house.

Kurt Angle: The ANGLE Express keeps on rollin’, and the Samoa Submission Machine gets SUBMITTED and sent back to finish his career building those weird masks and making and selling things out of straw!

Kurt points to the guy who The Franchise stabbed in the heart.

Kurt Angle: You better pray to Buddha or Tom Cruise or whoever it is you worship…because Kurt Angle…You’re Olympic Hero…is gonna wrestle big fat circles around you Saturday Night.

The camera goes in for a close-up.

Kurt Angle: AND THAT MY OBESE FRIEND…IS DAMN TRUE!!

[[ Static. ]]