|| Record: 000 - 000 - 000 || Match: vs. Chris Jericho-Saturday Night Stroke || Roleplay #: 002
' Where Are Your Gold Medals? '
[[ Static. ]]
[[ Fade up the SGW logo. ]]
Ever since the dawn of time men have battled for supremacy…
"There’s NOBODY better then KURT ANGLE!! I’m an Olympic Gold Medallist for Pete’s sake!"
Many wars have waged on for years between countries and men in the ultimate positions of power. But one man has stood out among them all, and proven himself as a True American her.
"KURT ANGLE HAS HIM DOWN!! KURT ANGLE HAS WON THE GOLD MEDAL!!"
He was and still is the ONLY Olympic Gold Medallist in the HISTORY of sports entertainment.
And his transition from Amateur to professional wrestling was nothing short of legendary…
"THERE HE IS KING!! KURT ANGLE IS IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!"
Never has a man debuted with such force. Kurt Angle became the single most successful rookie the wrestling World has ever seen.
"MY GOD!! KURT ANGLE HAS JUST DEFEATED VAL VENIS TO WIN THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP!!"
An unstoppable force, the only man to ever hold both European and Intercontinental titles at the same time in his first year as a pro.
"AND IT’S OVER!! KURT ANGLE IS A DOUBLE CHAMPION!! HE’S WON THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP AND NOW DEFEATED CHRIS JERICHO FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN JUST OVER TWO WEEKS!! THIS MAN IS A MACHINE!!"
King Of The Ring Champion. Defeating multiple opponents on the same night.
"KURT ANGLE IS KING OF THE RING!!!"
And unlike no other…he completed his rookie year with the ultimate feat in this industry. He took the most prized possession in the business, and defeated the most electrifying man in sports entertainment to achieve it.
"Unbelievable!!! KURT ANGLE HAS DEFEATED THE ROCK!! KURT ANGLE HAS BECOME CHAMPION OF THE WORLD IN LESS THEN A DAMN YEAR!! WHO’S GONNA STOP THIS MAN?!?"
The same question still goes unanswered today. And now Solid Gold Wrestling is the new home to the Real American Hero, the most successful wrestler in the WORLD.
"JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON’T FREAKIN’ CARE!!"
The most dominate man in the world of sports today has returned. The only man to conquer both amateur and professional stages, has come back and he’s gonna do in SGW in his first year, just what he did in his rookie year in the World Wrestling Federation…
"You people obviously lack my three I’s…you have no intensity, no integrity, and judging by the lack of teeth and brain cells in this audience…no intelligence either!"
Saturday Night Stroke. The Olympic Hero and best wrestler in the world makes his return to the squared circle. Kurt Angle is back…and the world will be forced to take notice once again.
Our scene opens up somewhere in the Great White North of Canada. We are at a live outdoor concert, and the blistering sun is beating down on the crowd. A band that has just finished playing walks off stage, saluting what seems like the hundred thousand person audience. The big stage is empty for a moment before the lights begin faintly flickering and a blonde woman walks out on stage to the delight of the crowd. This woman is Rena Mero, better known to the Solid Gold Wrestling viewers as Kurt Angle’s manager and campaign manager for his Presidential Run, Sable. She walks out and speaks into the microphone located in the center of the stage.
Sable: Good afternoon Canada…
She gets some cheers for the cheap pop, but mostly just whistles and cat calls towards the stunning beauty. Sable however, looks hesitant when she speaks.
Sable: I know you’ve all enjoyed a great day of music and events today…and I understand that for the headlining act today you’ve been promised a certain rock band…the band that is lead by Canada’s own…and Solid Gold Wrestling’s own Chris Jericho.
The crowd cheers. Sable looks more and more nervous as time goes on. A big black and red Fozzy banner unrolls above the stage to the delight of the crowd. They have obviously been waiting on this band for weeks.
Sable: But I’ve been sent here to inform you that due to Chris Jericho’s…uh…price tag…he has refused to do the show here for you people.
The crowd boos, and Sable sensing a riot may be near quickens her speech.
Sable: BUT! A man has volunteered his services to be the headlining act tonight! A man who buts everybody else you’ve seen today to shame. A man who may not be Canadian…but says he loves maple syrup and…the color red. He is the SAME man who tonight on NBC will do you fans a great justice and beat Chris Jericho back into unemployment line…ladies and gentlemen…the one the only…the next PRESIDENT…KURT…ANGLE!!
Cheesy president music blares over the massive PA system and Kurt Angle walks out fully decked in the colors of the American flag. You’d expect the crowd to boo the Olympic Gold Medallist, but after the sure lies Sable has told them, they actually cheer for Kurt Angle. Kurt comes out waving to the crowd, throwing out pins in an altogether cheery mood. Sable walks over to the shadows and lets Kurt work his magic on the crowd.
Kurt Angle: GREETINGS TO ALL MY FANS HERE IN CANADA!!
He gets a semi mixed reaction.
Kurt Angle: I know you were all promised Chris Jericho and his band Fozzy here tonight. But I, Kurt Angle…Olympic Gold Medallist…have saved all of you from hours of cursing and swearing, and bear bottle throwing…three things that I would never be apart of.
He pauses for a moment.
Kurt Angle: I know you Canadians love your beer, and I’m sure Chris Jericho does as well. But let ME tell you a few things about beer! First of all…it tastes disgusting!!
The mixed reaction is quickly turning into one hundred percent boos from the Canadian crowd.
Kurt Angle: Oh it’s true people, it’s true. But don’t boo me…it’s not like I haven’t come here with proof. Living in America you may think I know very little about you people, but I Kurt Angle…American Hero…have developed quite an interest in this country.
Chatter is heard in the crowd as to why this could be.
Kurt Angle: I’ve always wondered why you find it so appropriate to avoid abstinence…and to engage in sexual relationships before marriage…with your cousins and siblings. Honestly people, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The best sex, is no sex. And when it comes to relationships…you can dance, and you can prance, but when it comes to relationships…please keep it in your pants to prevent even further retardation in this country. Not that I have anything against retarded people, in fact, I have a lot of retarded fans out there who love and admire your Olympic Hero. I see many of them out in the audience here tonight, and for that I thank each and every one of you.
The crowd is near riot mode once again, and Kurt, totally oblivious to his own comments attempts to calm the rowdy crowd down.
Kurt Angle: Settle down, I’m just stating cold hard facts. I’m a big Canadian fan. I love maple syrup…and everything else you give our vastly superior country of the United States like…well…for one you take our drug abusers and pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars a year! GO RICKY WILLIAMS! WOOOOO!
A small Ricky chant breaks out in the audience, ha.
Kurt Angle: And it’s not just taking the talent less players in the NFL and creating your own league of far less of one of my three I’s…integrity. You’ve also done a great job of controlling the moose population in our country, and in exchange we’ve given you such things like electricity and sunlight to burn away the snow that’s usually here twelve months of the year.
Kurt has no idea there’s about a hundred thousand people who would like to but a bullet in his large brain right now.
Kurt Angle: I understand that Chris Jericho is from this country, and for that I truly feel saddened for you great people. You see Chris Jericho lacks not one, but ALL THREE of my three I’s. Chris even tried to walk away from the business that turned him into a superstar and go to Hollywood to become an actor. I laughed when I heard this news. I mean come on…what role is he gonna play in a movie? The only roles he could even portray with some seriousness is the pretty boy, ignorant jackass that he plays pretty well on a daily basis. Now, I’m not saying Chris acts this way because he’s Canadian…but all I need to do is look out into the audience to see thousands more beer drinking, ignorant people, and find my proof.
Hey, if you could see how many fat, shirtless beer drinkers are in the crowd, you’d agree.
Kurt Angle: Chris Jericho has made a career of reaching that top wrung of the ladder, reaching up for the prize, and then a slight gust of wind throws him back down into the under card matches with the likes of the Boston Brawler and KoKo B.Ware. And make no mistake about it…in their day they might have been respectable athletes, but I’m an Olympic Gold Medallist, and role model for not just children, but people all around the world…I can beat a guy with a parrot any day of the week.
He’s totally serious.
Kurt Angle: Unlike your beloved Y…2…J…I Kurt Angle…man of the decade…didn’t start at the bottom of the professional wrestling ladder, oh no. While Chris Jericho was wrestling the cross eyed Perry Saturn, I was winning gold medals in the Olympics, and training to become what I need just one piece of gold to complete – that being the Solid Gold Wrestling Heavyweight Championship – to complete my life long journey of being the greatest athlete EVER!
A Y2J chant starts to grow in the audience.
Kurt Angle: Go ahead and chant his name all you want. He sold out, I Kurt Angle…the only Olympic Gold Medallist in professional wrestling, did not. I have on of the most beautiful women in the world in my corner every week, Chris Jericho had a fat, balding, revolting, toothless man as his personal manager. Sure, with the help of Booker T, Vince McMahon, and the entire ECW and WCW rosters, he became the very first Undisputed Champion, but does anybody really give care? I know I sure don’t.
The chant gets louder as time goes on.
Kurt Angle: Take last week for example. Many of you may not be aware because I’ve heard a lot of you people are totally foreign to televisions, but let me give you the…
He uses his fingers to make quotation marks.
Kurt Angle: ”Low Down.” Last week your hero Chris Jericho was granted the opportunity of a lifetime and had himself a shot at the World Championship. A Championship that is currently being held by I man I’ve beaten into countless AA meetings and pretty much single handedly into a bald, drunken retirement…Stone Cold Steve Austin.
The mention of Stone Cold gets some big cheers from the capacity crowd.
Kurt Angle: And with the support of SGW owner and legend Jeff Jarrett…Chris Jericho had the chance to take the ball and bring Solid Gold Wrestling to new heights. But like the total failure he has been his entire career, Chris was beaten, convincingly I might add and failed once again. I’m gonna let you people in on a little secret about Kurt Angle. And you can guarantee that this is the truth because I’m a man of integrity, and have never told a lie.
He whispers into the microphone.
Kurt Angle: Unlike Chris Jericho, and a hundred and ten percent of the people in this audience…I have NEVER failed at anything!! Oh, IT’S TRUE!
He’s booed relentlessly now.
Kurt Angle: And much like a character of Bible like implications…Jeff Jarrett has seen the light and realized who is the savior of Solid Gold Wrestling. Not the one-man job squad Chris Jericho, not even another Canadian and personality lacking Lance Storm…none other then the man who stands before you today, KURT ANGLE!
He poses for the crowd.
Kurt Angle: Jeff Jarrett desperately needed to punish Chris Jericho, and you people must agree…what better way to punish a man then to give him a challenge he is guaranteed to fail. A match with me is like putting an infant in a cage with a wild beast. And Chris Jericho actually shares quite a few of the same qualities as an infant, he complains, cries and moans about everything. Well tonight I’m gonna really give him something to cry about…when I break his FREAKIN’ ankle!!
He smiles.
Kurt Angle: But I’m not just here to tell you why I’m gonna makk Chris Jericho look like a total fool for accepting this match with me…and I’m also not just here to tell you that it will be Chris’s last match in SGW…I’m also here to give you what everybody here wants…and that’s the first ever KURT ANGLE CONCERT!! THAT’S RIGHT DADDY! WOOOOOO!
A man brings Kurt out a guitar and a stool for him to sit on. Kurt slings the guitar over his neck and pretends to play a few notes. We say pretend because the guitar doesn’t even have strings.
Kurt Angle: So instead of talking about my impending victory, and domination of Chris Jericho and Solid Gold Wrestling as a whole…lets open it up to some requests!
Crickets are heard.
Kurt Angle: JIMMY CRACK CORN IT IS!!!
He gives a few coughs before music plays over the PA system and like a bad…very bad karaoke night he sings along with edited lyrics.
Kurt Angle: When I was young I used to wait
Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care
Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care
He stands up and applauds his own efforts.
Kurt Angle: WOOOO! It’s good to be a champion!! What next? How about a tribute to Canada’s own good looking woman Shania Twain with “MAN…I Feel Like An Olympic Gold Medallist!”
Shania Twain’s Man I Feel Like A Woman plays and Kurt sings along.
Kurt Angle: I'm going out tonight - I'm feeling alright
No inhibitions - make no mercy conditions
The best thing about being an Olympic Gold Medallist
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy - forget I'm NOT lady
The fans are going insane with rage.
Kurt Angle: ELVIS HASN’T LEFT THE BUILDING…HE’S BEEN REBORN IN KURT ANGLE!!!
Any second now Kurt will be dead in a mob of toothless Canadians.
Kurt Angle: Now…it’s time for one last song. I know!! And I sure as HECK aren’t gonna do an encore for you inbred ingrates!! So here’s a song I wrote many years ago when I was ankle locking my GI Joes and Barbie KEN dolls…BORN TO BE FREAKIN’ WILD!!!
Kurt Angle: Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
I’m like smoke and lightning
He happily goes into the chorus.
Kurt Angle: Born to be responsibly wild!!! WOOOOOOO!
A fan throws a beer bottle and it somehow knocks the sound out to the biggest pop of the night. Sable runs towards Kurt and the two run off the stage as the crowd starts to riot. Before our scene can fade out Kurt runs on stage again, in a mass of thrown objects.
Kurt Angle: DON’T FORGET!! If there is any good in you Canadians…and by that I mean Americans in the crowd…VOTE ANGLE!! DON’T LET BUSH FIND BIN LADEN…LET ME MAKE HIM TAP!! WOOOOOO!!
The fans begin to shake the stage and Kurt runs away from the crowd and the country he has just turned against him.
[[ Static. ]] [[ Fade out. ]]
Kurt Angle vs. Chris Jericho
The Return Of The American Hero.
On greatness and my gold medal date date
And preach to kids about not getting high
And now I’m tear out Jericho’s heart and eyes!
Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care
Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care
Chris Jericho’ll be gone away
One day he ride around the Canadian farm
The flies so numerous they did swarm
One chance to take a bite of his ego
The American Hero made him scream for his Dad-e-o!
Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care
Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care
Chris Jericho’ll be gone away!!! WOOOOOOOO!
Gonna let it all hang out
Wanna make some noise - really raise my voice
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout! WOOOOOO!
Chris got a little out of line
Oh, I’m GONNA act politically correct
Kick Chris’s butt and have a good time!
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Y2J wears Girl's shirts - short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild - yeah, make him tap in style!
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action - feel the attraction of my foot in Jericho’s throat
Colour my hair - do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, Chri isn’t gonna be free - not the way I feel
Man! I feel like an Olympic Gold Medallist!!
Lookin' for a good wholesome, non sex oriented adventure!
And whatever comes KURT’S way
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a loving NON SEXUAL embrace
Fire all of your WATER guns at once
And explode into space!
Light jazz thunder
Racin' at a responsible pace with the wind
And the feelin' that I'm under
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a loving NON SEXUAL embrace
Fire all of your WATER guns at once
And explode into space
Like a true wrestling child
I was born, born to be wild!
I’ve drank so much milk…
Sometimes it squirts out from my eye…
Born to be RESPONSIBLY wild!!!!! YEAH!!!