"There’s NOBODY better then KURT ANGLE!! I’m an Olympic Gold Medallist for Pete’s sake!"

Many wars have waged on for years between countries and men in the ultimate positions of power. But one man has stood out among them all, and proven himself as a True American her.

"KURT ANGLE HAS HIM DOWN!! KURT ANGLE HAS WON THE GOLD MEDAL!!"

He was and still is the ONLY Olympic Gold Medallist in the HISTORY of sports entertainment.

And his transition from Amateur to professional wrestling was nothing short of legendary…

"THERE HE IS KING!! KURT ANGLE IS IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!"

Never has a man debuted with such force. Kurt Angle became the single most successful rookie the wrestling World has ever seen.

"MY GOD!! KURT ANGLE HAS JUST DEFEATED VAL VENIS TO WIN THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP!!"

An unstoppable force, the only man to ever hold both European and Intercontinental titles at the same time in his first year as a pro.

"AND IT’S OVER!! KURT ANGLE IS A DOUBLE CHAMPION!! HE’S WON THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP AND NOW DEFEATED CHRIS JERICHO FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN JUST OVER TWO WEEKS!! THIS MAN IS A MACHINE!!"

King Of The Ring Champion. Defeating multiple opponents on the same night.

"KURT ANGLE IS KING OF THE RING!!!"

And unlike no other…he completed his rookie year with the ultimate feat in this industry. He took the most prized possession in the business, and defeated the most electrifying man in sports entertainment to achieve it.

"Unbelievable!!! KURT ANGLE HAS DEFEATED THE ROCK!! KURT ANGLE HAS BECOME CHAMPION OF THE WORLD IN LESS THEN A DAMN YEAR!! WHO’S GONNA STOP THIS MAN?!?"

The same question still goes unanswered today. And now Solid Gold Wrestling is the new home to the Real American Hero, the most successful wrestler in the WORLD.

"JIMMY CRACK CORN AND I DON’T FREAKIN’ CARE!!"

The most dominate man in the world of sports today has returned. The only man to conquer both amateur and professional stages, has come back and he’s gonna do in SGW in his first year, just what he did in his rookie year in the World Wrestling Federation…

"You people obviously lack my three I’s…you have no intensity, no integrity, and judging by the lack of teeth and brain cells in this audience…no intelligence either!"

Saturday Night Stroke. The Olympic Hero and best wrestler in the world makes his return to the squared circle. Kurt Angle is back…and the world will be forced to take notice once again.

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Jericho
The Return Of The American Hero.

The scene opens up outside of a fairly small size suburban home. Somewhere in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. We move a few steps back to we can get a full view of the house, but the beaming sun temporarily blinds us. As the camera tries to regain its focus on this hot summer day a newspaper is thrown on the doorstep. The door quickly opens and the paper is grabbed but we can’t see who this person was due to the blurriness of the camera. Nonetheless, we follow into the house and the picture begins to get more and more clear with every step. We can see that the figure carrying the newspaper in front of us is indeed a man, with short brown hair, wearing a navy blue t-shirt with the Olympic rings logo on the back of it, and a pair of matching navy blue track pants. We follow this individual into his living room where on the television is an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. On the coffee table sits a big bowl of Lucky Charms. The man takes a seat on the couch and rests the paper beside his cereal bowl. He immediately turns to the back of the sports section before looking back at the TV where there is a big brawl with the Ninja Turtles and Supper Shredders ninja wannabes. The man takes a big spoon full of cereal before sighing.

Kurt Angle: Gosh darn it Leonardo…how many times do you have to use stupid swords? All you need to defeat those bad guys is a solid background in amateur wrestling for goodness sakes…Super Shredder’s lucky he never found himself in a ring with Kurt Angle or he would have found his Angle super broken and super out wrestled by a TRUE AMERICAN HERO!

Obviously Kurt Angle is on our television screens.

Kurt Angle: Now this is pathetic…how do you manage to get caught every gosh darn episode!?! They don’t make these cartoons like they used too…now master sensei has to save all your BUTTS YET AGAIN! You guys are lucky I’m not you sensei…I’d wrestle all five of you under the temple.

We get a glimpse in the mirror to reveal Kurt Angle of course. Kurt munches down on another bite of cereal while continuing to watch this show that is SUPPOSED to be for children…but I guess him watching it makes sense…We take a look at the TV screen to see all the turtles tied up to a large tree that is about to be lit on fire by Shredder himself when we the scene switches to “TO BE CONTINUED…” in giant block letters. Kurt is furious.

Kurt Angle: OH FOR PETES SAKE!! I gotta wait a whole darn week to see the end of this!?! I didn’t know it was a two part-er!! That kid is gonna get it next time he tries to sell me cookies…Maybe they have the second part in that comic book store…no, no…I can’t be disloyal to this show and risk lowering ratings. If they had to cancel it’d be an outburst all over the world, and that’s not happening on my watch! I rule this country with an iron fist damn it!

What the hell is Kurt going on about? Anyway, as the commercials continue an ad for “Solid Gold Wrestling” appears on the screen. We see clips from some of the most memorable moments in the company’s history since it’s return just a few months ago, as Kurt is finishing off what’s left in his cereal bowl.

Don’t miss this wrestling fans! Solid Gold Wrestling is back on the air with another episode of Stroke this Saturday!! Stone Cold Steve Austin takes on Chris Jericho for the World Championship, Nick Patrick takes the Masterlock challenge, also owner Jeff Jarrett is in action, the Television Title will be on the line, all this and so much more…

Kurt looks in disbelief at the television screen as the ad fades away and the commercials continue.

Kurt Angle: That's more of a joke then cheerios being better then Lucky FREAKIN' Charms!! You won’t catch me in some second rate joke like that…no sir. I’d rather just stay away from wrestling all together then get in the ring with the likes of someone like Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Sandman. I wouldn’t want to be breathing in that cigarette smoke and putting my intelligence at risk; I have a reputation to keep up, bucko. And what’s with Jeff Jarrett anyways? He’s fishier than a…uh…then a catfish in a fishpond! Yeah I said it! His Golden Rule was over quicker then one of my High School wrestling matches. No wonder he’s so stressed out all the time…I would be too if I had a failed country music career, ALWAYS had to spell every letter of my name every time I said it, and once got beaten by a girl. Besides…I have more important things to take care of then SGW…like training for the Olympics once again in 2008! I’ll call it “Kurt’s Comeback”…but spell comeback with a “k” and have it in cool lettering like the ones “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” are spelled in. I wonder if that’s a full time job writing that in those cool letters for every episode? Sounds like a job for an Olympic Hero…I wonder if I beat him? Of course I probably did…after all I did win TWO Olympic Gold Medals, and I’ll be damned if some guy I beat is working with the Ninja Turtles!! I wonder how he gets along with them…they must be well trained I’ve never heard of any turtle attacks in Hollywood…

Suddenly the phone rings. Kurt looks at the cordless phone sitting on the coffee table, reaches over and grabs it. He has an annoyed look on his face as he hits the button and brings the phone to his ear.

Kurt Angle: Look mom, I’ve already told you THREE TIMES today! I need you to scrub those stains out TODAY! I don’t have any clean underwear for tomorrow!

Uh, excuse me?

The sound of a women’s voice makes Kurt quickly begin to get flustered and his face changes to a bright shade of red.

Kurt Angle: Oh…uh…that’s just code me and my mom use…it means I love you…but not in a sexual way…in a way that…

That’s quite enough.

This furthers Kurt’s embarrassment. But he quickly realizes that he has no idea who this person he’s talking to is. His expression changes as it seems now he just might know who this person is.

Kurt Angle: Hey! Who is this? Listen bucko…It was only a one-time thing okay? What else was I supposed to do at three o’clock in the morning after a midnight workout? Three dollars a minute is a friggin’ rip-off!! I don’t care if the first minute is only ten cents! Stop calling here; I’m not paying you!

Obviously Kurt has been in desperate need of finding new interests and hobbies since his days as a professional wrestler ended. He throws his arms down in frustration as he places his hands on his hips for a moment before placing the phone back up to his ear.

Kurt Angle: Darn Pokemon tip hotlines...

Sable: Listen Kurt…This is Sable.

A look of confusion comes over Kurt’s face. A look that is all too familiar for his former fans.

Kurt Angle: Mable? Holy hungry hungry hippos, Batman!! I never knew your voice sounded like this! No wonder you never gave a victory speech after you won the King Of The Ring tournament…it’s because you lack one of my three I’s…

Sable: Not Mable you moron…SABLE! You know, Rena Mero.

Kurt slaps his forehead.

Kurt Angle: GOLLY GEE! I’m so sorry Sable…I should have know your voice…it sounds just like the one off that hotline! Those things are rip-offs aren’t they? Like I couldn’t get to the third level on my own…their tips are useless! The only reason I needed them was because my batteries died! Damn Energizer bunny…I’d stick the drum where the sun don’t shine!

You can hear Sable moan in frustration on the other end of the phone line.

Sable: Look Kurt…I wanna talk to you about Solid Gold Wrestling. They just re-opened their doors a few months ago and I think an Olympic Gold medallist like you could thrive in a company like that.

Kurt Angle: SGW? Oh, No!! No Sirrie Bob! I’ll never work for those clowns! I don’t really have the time anyway; I’ve been busy eating right, and training my butt off.

Sable: *Mutters* Obviously this is gonna be harder then I thought…Look Kurt I can tell you need more convincing on this…I’ll be over later on today, alright? I think you really need to think this through before you give me a concrete answer.

Kurt Angle: I guess so.…and hey…pick up some milk when you come over. Things always move faster when you got cold, delicious milk…

Sable: Kurt…sugar. I got all the milk you need honey.

Kurt’s eyes light up like fireworks.

Kurt Angle: You have your own milk truck?!? Boy, oh boy…I can’t wait!! Maybe you should…Hello? Hello?

Sable has had enough and hung up on Kurt. He just hits the button and puts the phone down.

Kurt Angle: Huh…must be a bad connection.

He thinks to himself for a second and then begins to clean up a little bit in anticipation for Sable’s arrival.

Fade Out.

Fade In.

The scene re-opens a few hours later with a red Jaguar convertible pulling in the driveway of Kurt Angle’s home. A beautiful blonde haired woman opens the door and steps out of the rented car, Sable. The stunning beauty is wearing a skimpy one-piece leopard print dress that shows off a lot of cleavage and barely goes down to her thighs. Sable flicks her hair from her face and walks to the front door of Angle’s home and rings the doorbell. She waits a few moments for an answer but there is none. She rings the bell again and this time, she hears a voice.

Kurt Angle: I’m coming, I’m coming…Hold your horses…Sonic isn’t gonna beat these guys by himself…

He storms to the door and pulls it open. His mouth drops in awe when he sees the incredibly beautiful Sable standing in front of him. He looks Sable up and down before shielding his eyes after he gets a glimpse of Sables cleavage.

Kurt Angle: WOHA NELLY! Sable…I’m not prepared to go to the beach! And you should never drive around in your swimwear…last time I did I got a wedgie and almost got into an accident…

Sable: Uhm, Kurt? This isn’t swimwear…it’s just something I threw on before I flew out here.

He’s shocked.

Kurt Angle: Threw on? Well you better be careful so you don’t slip out of it! That better not be a real leopard you’re wearing!!

Sable: Kurt…why don’t I come inside so we can talk about my proposal…

Kurt takes a step back and holds both his hands out in front of him, as if to try and stop Sable.

Kurt Angle: HOLD THE PHONE, BUSTER BROWN! Sable…come on…we just met for gosh sakes! I can’t marry you! I mean sure, your attractive and all but we should at least go on a date first…

Sable rolls her eyes and walks in herself, brushing by Kurt, who quickly follows behind her.

Kurt Angle: Oh…right.

They proceed into the living room where Sable takes a seat in a leather chair across from the couch that Kurt was sitting in earlier. Kurt follows and sits in the same spot as he was earlier today. Now resting on the coffee table is an old school, original Nintendo game system with the controller resting on the couch. The TV has a “PAUSE” menu up, but it can be seen that Kurt was play Sonic the Hedgehog. Sable crosses her legs and “accidentally” kicks out the power cable in the back.

Sable: Whoops…sorry, Kurt. But it’s for the best anyway; we have to talk some serious business.

Kurt Angle: Darn it! I was about to face that guy with that super cool orange moustache! Anyways…what do we need to talk about?

Sable: Like I told you on the phone, Kurt…I think you really need to come back to wrestling, more importantly, SGW.

Kurt shakes his head.

Kurt Angle: No way, Jose!! I saw SGW the first time around…I’m not getting in the ring with those clowns! I’m serious they actually have clowns! You ever see the guy who wears that makeup on his face and always hangs out in the rafters? Him and Doink would make a good team.

Sable: Alright listen…I know you probably don’t really wanna join Solid Gold Wrestling. But what if I told you that I’d be your manager? I’d take care of everything Kurt…I’d take care of you…personally.

Sable gives Kurt a sexy look who takes a moment to ponder all of this.

Kurt Angle: That could work…but I’m still not convinced. I still don’t see why it’d be worth all that trouble. And besides, what’s in it for you?

Sable looks shocked.

Sable: What’s in it for me? Well I get to manage an Olympic Gold Medallist, and that’s a big enough reward for me. Not to mention the most handsome Olympic athlete and wrestler ever to walk this planet. And believe me Kurt, all the fame, championships; you’ll be on top of the world again. I’ll make sure it’s worth it for you.

Kurt looks impressed with Sable’s comments, even proud of himself, after Sable just pumped up his ego.

Kurt Angle: I knew my mom was telling the truth when she told me I’m the most handsome athlete to ever compete in the Olympics, I don’t care what that little girl has to say…what does she know? You know what Sable…I think you’d make a great manager! You have a great ass…

Sable: What?

Kurt Angle: I mean assets!! You definitely look you’re your qualified for the position!

Sable flashes that sexy smile again and she begins to dig in her bag for something.

Sable: Thank you, Kurt…and I think I have something that’ll put this offer “over the top”…

Out from her bag she pulls her second edition of Playboy magazine, featuring her on the cover. She hands it to the wide-eyed Kurt who takes it like it’s a gift from god. He wipes some beads of sweat that trickle down his forehead.

Kurt Angle: WHEW! Good thing this is the second one! I’ve already got the first under my bed so my mom won’t find it when she comes over to clean! Your interview in there is spectacular!

Sable looks a little puzzled put gets up and sits beside Kurt, stroking his leg.

Sable: You know Kurt…if you come to Solid Gold with me…and you do as well as I know you can…you might just have the “38 Specials” all to yourself…

Kurt looks at her wide-eyed with a smile that reaches from ear to ear.

Kurt Angle: Oh my goodness gracious, Sable…you mean Baskin Robins added seven new flavors?!? And you’d rent the whole store out just for me? You’re the best manager a guy could ever have!

He squeezes Sable in a big hug, that leaves her shocked yet pleased with the results she got from her conversation.

Sable: I can see this partnership working out well for both of us Kurt…with me behind you nobody in SGW can stop you.

Kurt releases her and stands up, revealing a little; uh…”pitched tent” he got from the hug.

Kurt Angle: You’re gosh darn right Sable!! Nobody in SGW can even compare themselves to an Olympic Gold Medallist!! Solid Gold better be ready…because with Kurt Angle in town, nobody is gonna be wearin’ that World Title except for yours truly!! Oh it’s true…IT’S DAMN TRUE!! WOOOOO! All you punks better prepare yourselves…because I’m back, Jack!!

Sable: Uh…Kurt…

Sable shields her eyes/mouth from Kurt’s “little friend”, as he looks down and realizes it. He bends over like a kid with wood in gym class looking at the hot chick.

Kurt Angle: Whoopsie Daisy!! Sorry Sable you’re the first woman that’s hugged me like that since Betty at that sixth grade dance…I could barely get my arms around you because your br-

Sable: KURT! We should get going…our plane leaves in an hour and I’ve already set up a special appearance in New York for you. That’s more big news we need to talk about…but we’ll talk on the plane.

They both proceed to the front door as Kurt jumps around excitedly.

Kurt Angle: WOOOOOO! The wrestling world should be running scared!! And by the way Sable makes things look in SGW…I’ll be behind her one hundred percent, all night long!! WOOOOO!

Sable shoots him an evil, yet sultry look.

Kurt Angle: LETS HIT THE ROAD!! MOM!! KURT’S LEAVIN’ THE HOUSE!! SEND THE UNDERWEAR TO NEW YORK CITY!! NOW WHERE’S THAT MILK TRUCK?!?

Sable looks confused to say the least as Kurt opens the door for her, like a gentlemen and follows close behind, actually bumping into her with his…

Kurt Angle: GOLLY GEE! I’m sorry Sable!! I’m just so excited!!

Sable: Oh I can tell Kurt…I can tell.

Sable enters the drivers seat as Kurt who is jumping around like a jackass, gets in the passenger side. She backs up out of the driveway and the car proceeds to speed off down the road.

---

Our scene re-opens a few days later and our camera shows us a shot of a single podium in the middle of a stage. An American Flag is seen pinned up behind the podium and on the front of the podium itself is the name Kurt Angle in the colors of red, white and blue. There is a media frenzy going on below the stage with hundreds of reporters and newscasters holding cameras, pens and paper, waiting for Kurt to appear and say whatever it is he has to say. The rumbling of the crowd is soon hushed when Kurt’s theme music is lowly played over the Public Announce System and through a black curtain walks the Olympic Gold Medallist. Dressed in a red, white and blue track suit, hair nearly trimmed and combed back, white sneakers on and Gold Medal around his neck, Kurt waves to the reporters who are snapping as many pictures of Kurt as they can. Flashes from the cameras go off at a rapid rate as Angle makes his way to the podium and picks up a stak of notes that have been strategically placed there for him. He takes a drink from a water bottle before speaking.

Kurt Angle: Howdy!!

He reads from his first cue card.

Kurt Angle: I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve called you all here today. And contrary to popular belief…it’s not just to admire my good looks and superior physique and intelligence, oh no. It’s not even a wrestling seminar in which I could explain t all of you in great detail how to make something of yourselves, and crawl out of the gutter that is the state of New York.

People are heard angrily talking, but Kurt is totally oblivious to the fact that he just trashed the home state of these people. He flashes the trademark geeky smile and reads once more.

Kurt Angle: Next card…whoops…that ones for me!! Can me start this over?

Sable sticks her head out behind Kurt.

Sable: This is on live television!

Kurt looks flustered.

Kurt Angle: Aw shucks…well…I…anyway…what I’m here tell you all is this…

He holds his hand up in the air.

Kurt Angle: I Kurt Angle, Olympic Gold Medallist, and owner of my own personal three I’s…have decide to run in the next election to become the President of the United States of America!!!

For a moment everyone is in total silence, almost waiting for Kurt to tell everyone that this is some kind of bad joke.

Kurt Angle: Many of you may not know…but I’ve watched from a far these past few years as a citizen of this great country. Well…a country that USED to be great! Do you remember the good old days? Do you remember the days of the 1996 Olympics held in Atlanta, Georgia? Well I sure as HECK do! I won this very gold medal…

He holds it in front of the audience.

Kurt Angle: In free style wrestling with a broken FREAKIN’ neck!! Now if that doesn’t qualify me to become President, I don’t know what does!! Now I know that Mr. George Bush has let all of you people down as a President so far…after all with him in office, there have been more wars then I’ve had title victories!! And that is a HUGE number my friends! I, Kurt Angle…your hero…will launch a campaign for a TRUE AMERICAN HERO…TO LEAD A TRUE AMERICAN NATION!!

More chatter is heard and people begin to yell out questions.

Reporters: KURT!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??? HASN’T THIS COUNTRY SUFFERED ENOUGH?!?

Kurt looks applauded.

Kurt Angle: Now you listen here BUCKO! If and WHEN I become President of this country, I’ll lead it back to the promise land it once was!! Everybody’ll respect me!! I’ll hold the Olympic games every six months!! Amateur Wrestling will become the national sport, and baseball will be banned because just like the Yankees…it just plain sucks!!

Obviously most of the crowd is becoming infuriated.

Reporters: MR. ANGLE! HOW WILL YOU DEAL WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM???

He laughs.

Kurt Angle: I’m glad you asked, because I have an answer.

Idiot.

Kurt Angle: The war against terrorism has gone on for far too long with little to no results. So they found So-Dam-Insane in a hole somewhere…big deal!! If I were in Iraq I would have found him in less then a week using one of my three I’s…intelligence!!

Reporters: MR. ANGLE…WHAT WOULD YOU DO AS FAR AS CAPITAL PUNISHMENT GOES?? WOULD YOU LEGALIZE IT IN EVERY STATE??

He looks confused.

Kurt Angle: I know the capital of every state buddy! I’m not gonna punish somebody for not knowing them! Get over yourself lady!!

Sable sticks her head through the curtain again.

Sable: She means the death penalty.

He nods, slightly embarrassed.

Kurt Angle: Oh, right.

He turns his attention back to the crowd.

Kurt Angle: I’m all for the death penalty!! But I’m introducing new methods of pain and torture!!

Reporters: YOU MEAN BACK TO THE DAYS OF HANGING AND SHOOTING PEOPLE??

Kurt Angle: Cheese Whiz…is there something in this New York air that brings nothing but stupidity onto you people? Of course not…I’m bring in the method that has been ruled most effective by MILLIONS of people around the globe. In fact, I’ll deliver it to everyone on death row myself!!

Nobody has any idea what Kurt is talking about.

Kurt Angle: They’ll have to go FIVE FULL MINUTES in the ring with me!! That’s right I said it!! And NOBODY would wish that on their worst enemy!! There would be more broken ankles then a…um…broken ankle farm!! WOOOOO!

Kurt is losing votes by the second here.

Reporters: MR. ANGLE!! ARE THE RUMORS TRUE YOU’VE GOTTEN BACK INTO THE SPORT OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING??

He nods.

Kurt Angle: Oh it’s true.

Reporters: HOW CAN YOU BE EXPECTED TO COMPETE THERE AND RUN FOR PRESIDENT?!?

Kurt Angle: You people are missing the big picture here. I’m a wrestling MACHINE! A TRUE American HERO! You can’t expect me to stay away from the business that I made it what it is today! But more titles, more victories, and more matches equal more money, fame and power for your Olympic Hero!!

Reporters: ARE YOU SAYING YOU VALUE A WRESTLING COMPANY MORE THEN A RUN AS PRESIDENT?

Kurt Angle: Wow…gear down big rig. Ha…Solid Gold Wrestling, the company where legends are born and wrestlers live all week…or something like that…is soon to become the new stomping ground for Kurt Angle butt kicking’s!! WHEN I tear apart Jeff Jarrett’s entire roster in a matter of WEEKS…he’ll HAVE to give me a title shot, and when he does…I’ll be the first ever MAN IN THE WORLD to be both SGW World Heavyweight Champion…and President of the United States!! Top THAT John Cena!! WOOOOOO!

He hops around a little bit.

Kurt Angle: Now enough about me…lets talk about what I have in store for Solid Gold.

Sable silently walks out on stage behind him looking stunning per usual. Kurt leans into the microphone and looks into the camera.

Kurt Angle: John Cena…Vanilla Ice…WHITE Mr. T!! Let me tell you something pal!! KURT ANGLE pity’s the FOOL who steps in the ring with an Olympic Gold Medallist!! He likes to rap?? Well the only thing he’ll be wrapping is his dentures in a piece of paper towel after I WRESTLE his damn teeth out!! You better watch out kid…because after Rob Van Dam and the Silent Sheik…

Sable: His name is Sabu.

He stares at her.

Kurt Angle: Are you sure?

Sable: Yep. They say he has more scars then skin.

He makes a “pffffffft” sound.

Kurt Angle: Big FLIPPIN’ deal!! I’ve got more TALENT then good looks! And if you people haven’t noticed, I’m sure you agree with my Mom that I’m incredibly handsome. It’s damn true!

Reporters: MR. ANGLE!! WHAT ARE YOU THOUGHTS TOWARDS CHRIS JERICHO WHO HAS BEEN ROPTED SAYING HE IS THE NEXT SGW CHAMPION AND IS UNSTOPPABLE??

Kurt Angle: What…what???

Sable: This isn’t Steve Austin announcing he’s running for President…

He laughs.

Kurt Angle: You’re right, the only thing he runs for is when the bartender yells LAST CALL!! Hahaha! Write that one down Sable!!

Sable: I think it’d be best if you talked about your match with Chris first.

Kurt Angle: Man you’re smart. No wonder you’re gonna be my first lady!!

He looks back into the sea of reporters.

Kurt Angle: I’m sure you’ve all heard of the name Chris Jericho, whether he’s brutalized your ear drums with his band so badly that you’ve had to throw something at your radio and vomit in rage…or made you question why somebody would EVER hire such a useless actor…OR the same Chris Jericho who once lost to ALEX WRIGHT!!!

Laughter is heard in the crowd. Nobody likes Alex Wright. In fact, were sure this is the first time you’ve heard his name since the Boogie Knight days.

Kurt Angle: You all saw me at Stroke last week when I PUNKED OUT John Cena! Well I also saw in the first match of the night CHRIS JERICHO…have his shot at the SGW World Championship, facing Stone Cold Steve Austin. Now, see as how Jeff Jarrett DENIED my request to have a title shot in my first match…yeah go figure…now this week in my return to the ring I face the guy who came this close to beating the World Champion. I should be shaking in my Olympic wrestling boots, right? WRONG BUCKO!!

Sable smiles at Kurt’s innocence.

Kurt Angle: Chris Jericho had everything in his favor last Saturday, Jeff Jarrett even wrongfully put all his faith in him. Why…Too…Jay…is simply a man who choked under the pressures of success, and failed to get the job done! Unlike yours truly…the last time I choked under pressure is when I was born a month early!! But that was only because I was wrestling my way out!

Sable makes a gross face.

Kurt Angle: You’ve made a career of it Chris, stepping up to the plate and striking out in front of the entire world. In ECW you were nothing but a second tier champion in a hardcore wrestlecrap company. In WCW you were forced to lower yourself to wrestle against guys who were nearly legal midgets!! And now last week you failed…ONCE AGAIN…and threw away your chance at being the leading force of this company. So that puts me in an interesting position Chris…

He pauses for a moment, thinking.

Kurt Angle: The way I see it…YOU were the number one contender last week. And we all know, just because you lose your title match…doesn’t mean you’re still not the number one contender…

What?

Kurt Angle: So WHEN I beat you this week on Stroke…KURT ANGLE…WILL BE THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER FOR THE SOLID GOLD WRESTLING…WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!! WOOOOOOO! HOW’S THAT FOR A DEBUT MATCH CHRIS???

Kurt’s face is going red from screaming, and he is spitting everywhere.

Kurt Angle: So Jeff Jarrett, after I beat Y2J this week, I’ll expect to be given the next World Title shot after Total Destruction, where I, Kurt Angle, the number one contender for the SGW Championship will be in the corner of Jean Claude Van Dame and the Silent Sheik! WOOOOOOOOOO!

Even Sable is clueless as to what is going on inside Kurt Angle’s head. He leans in once again to give some closing words.

Kurt Angle: Jericho…I DARE you to try and out wrestle me! Because when you’re forced to this Saturday Night, the result will be EXACTLY what it was over five years ago when I first debuted with the World Wrestling Federation and defeated YOU to win the Intercontinental Title. You knew after that match exactly what you know now…when you play with fire, you’re gonna get burned…and when you go into a match against Kurt Angle…I’m gonna go Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on your ass and have a milk celebration that will last ALL…NIGHT LONG!! WOOOOOO! And THAT Chris…IS DAMN TRUE!!

He gives a geeky wave to the crowd as he exits the stage to the lame President theme music.

[[ Static. ]]

[[ Fade out. ]]

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