• PUBLIC APOLOGY BY THE NOTS STAFF
• Sniffles the Spudmeister Executed by Stonefleet Dictator!
• Rufus Getonefree Attack on TOSA Foiled by Clever Mirage
• More TOSAns Promoted!

• Cerberus Sticx Invents New "Lurve-Brew"
• Holiday Island Retreat Planned for Temple Priesthood
• Sir Byron Getonefree Captured and Immobilised
• Study of Sun Offers Little Hope of Breaking Barrier

We at the NotS really must apologise to our lovely readership for the general lack of March NotS. We would promise it won't happen again, but given the fact you should never make a promise you can't keep...well, maybe if we just told you what happened to us...Step back in time a few months with us, okay?

We thought we'd successfully put the February edition of the NotS to bed (actually, we're still not sure if we tucked it up right...but it's in the Archives if you really need to look), and the ENTIRE staff felt we'd done good, and fancied popping out for a drink. After a moment of deciding where we should go, we opted for the Temple of Sensual Awareness. We know the bar, "The Dance Macabre," is run by probably the best bartender this side of the Shrinedom, and the drinks one finds there can be drunk nowhere else. Well, not that we've heard of, anyway. So, destination firmly in mind, we all set off for what we thought would be a good night out, well deserved by all. How wrong can a pack of journalists be?

As it turns out, very wrong. We started our time in the bar gathered round several large tables of an antique oak variety, each drinking what we believed to be the harmless mix of a Cocnut Cocktail. We managed to lose track of time rather quickly, but as Cerberus is a willing host 24 hours, 7 days a week, he had no objections to our purchasing further beverages. Of course, by the time we'd had five Lurve Brews each, and moved on to 'The Drink of the Devil'* we realised that we were indeed having a good time out. Cerberus was even kind enough to halt the torturous karaoke sessions, and put Queen's "Greatest Hits" (1 and 2) on the decks, thereby enticing us out onto the dancefloor...

We danced a lot, made ourselves completely knackered, but this is the not the reason for the lack of March NotS. Oh, no. What got us into trouble was when one of our group (remaining unnamed as we've been informed by our lawyers not to point fingers....) decided to pick a fight with a 7'8 tall Daemon barkeep; not a good idea by anyone's reckoning. Our host had, up to that point, been fairly forgiving of our behaviour (he really didn't ask us to pay for the damages the bottle display behind the bar suffered during our attempt at a bottle shy game), but a 4-foot 102 year old jabbing at his thigh with a biro pen was more than enough to cause Cerberus to lose his temper. And boy, does he ever lose his temper in a vicious style...

Actually, all he did was call the rozzers on us, which was fair enough in hindsight. We had effectively destroyed the bar, and behaved in a manner unbecoming to a professional...So, we had several of the worst offenders remanded into custody for being childish and deviant, and the rest of us going home, heads hung in shame (or maybe heads hung because we couldn't lift the weight due to excess alcohol consumption...and bracing yourself for a vomit attack is never a bad thing).

This is the reason the March edition of the NotS never happened. We apologise to all our readership for our naughty behaviour, and hope it never happens again.

For anyone who's interested, Bob the Beneficent is now being forced into attending AA meetings for his, ah, habit...

*A beverage we thought was banned by the Shrinemaster due to its extreme potency, and uncanny ability to bestow "untold abilities" upon the drinker, but we never found out in particular what these abilities were. If the abilities are making the drinker vomit violently whilst attempting to sing "It's Raining Men" accompanied by the most dodgiest karaoke machine ever, well...'nuff said.

- Jairus Rosh.

There was intense outrage and anger at the High Council today as Earth Allies 'Stonefleet' executed the first interplanetary monk of a High Council Temple. We are sad to report that Sniffles the Spudmeister from the Potato Planet was killed by the Sacred Spune during a period of intense insanity at StoneFleet.

However, we at NotS have discovered that death at StoneFleet has a very different meaning to that which we are familiar with on Earth. It appears that Sniffles is now enjoying the high life in the dim and distant past in ancient Cotati, California!

In an obscure message from the past to the TOSA Temple on 27th April, Sniffles said: "I am having a wonderfull time in ancient Cotati California. I did however run into Piggy and Flya, the twin tumors, at the tradewinds bar. So I pooped in the corner. That kept them busy for a while. Wish you were here.........Love Sniffy............OURT................" We cannot discover who Piggy and Flya are, but we highly recommend the Tradewinds Bar. So is this proof that Sniffles is alive? We believe so.

Despite this, the High Council has decreed that to honour the memory of Sniffles and pardon him from his act of pooping in the TOSA jacuzzi. Also, a special statue has been commissioned and will be erected in the High Council gardens later next month.

- Simon Clops.

The latest hare-brained scheme by the Getonefrees' to bring the temple trembling to it's knees has failed miserably following the deployment of the brand new TMD developed in secret by TOSAn technicians. The TMD [Temple Mirage Device] is located at the top of the real TOSA Temple's watchtower, and projects an image of a temple-less landscape over the TOSA Temple, while simultaneously projecting an image of a fake TOSA Temple several miles to the South.

It was reported that the first use of the TMD was carried out following an attempted 'chemical gas' attack on TOSA by Rufus Getonefree on April 20th. An area of the woods to the South West of the Bishop's Palace was fumigated by the Getonefree brother before he left in his helicopter to return, no doubt, to the Getonefree's mainland HQ.

This successful testing of the TMD in a real-life situation shows that temple defences have improved greatly of late, but TOSA must still be considered a vulnerable place of worship if the realms of magic are to be allowed in it's hallowed halls. We must not forget the tragic events of the attack by the black tentacled beast, and the resultant eternal night that we all now live under the shadow of.

- Studd Muffin

The following TOSAns have been promoted:

Fervent Fiery Fantasy promoted from Student to Teacher

Bricriu Bittertongue promoted from disciple to Student.

The excellent Ms Fantasy will indeed now become Bricriu's personal mentor in his studies at the temple. Ms Fantasy's previous mentor, the Graceful Shadow of Dark Desires was said to be overjoyed at the news that she had progressed so quickly. More news on promotions as we receive them from the temple.

- Bountiful Pleasures Abounding

Cerberus Sticx revealed today, April 25th, that he had invented a brand new cocktail which had aphrodisiac qualities stronger than anything he had brewed up in his illustrious bartending past. The new drink, that he calls the "Lurve-Brew" has not been put on public sale as yet and he intends to maintain strict testing of it's effects on all genders and races within the TOSA Temple.

The last time that one of Cerberus' Cocktails was put on public consumption without testing, the entire TOSAn priesthood woke up in the Temple Arboretum with a massive hangover and no memory of how they had gotten there. We at NotS turned down the offer of a free tasting, due to the fact that we might never have gotten this issue online for the end of this month... or this year... or this decade.

- Wynona Wildfire

The High Council have announced that it is to spend $1.2 billion on a new artifical tropical island getaway for members of it's councils. Funds from the recent world tour of the King of TOSA Music, Glamgasm [as reported by me, Bob, on the last few issues of NotS] have pushed Glam record sales up through the roof in countries as diverse as Mongolia, Thailand and even Belgium. This means the High Council has a surplus in it's enormous budget and can now give the go-ahead to the mighty construction project.

The island is to be built 24 miles off the coast from the Island of TOSA, to the West, and will be reachable via boat or helicopter. Helicopters will leave the High Council at regular intervals each month and boats leave the jetty to the West of the High Council Chamber Building several times each day for visits to the mainland.

Tourists will NOT be allowed to visit the island once it has been completed, but there are plans to create a museum and virtual tour at the House of Lurve for tourists there who wish to find out more about the amazing project.

This new stress-free getaway will be a major boost to the morale of the prietshood of the various temples located in this part of the world, and will be a chance to open up the temples to huge public crowds at certain times of the year while the priests and priestesses are away.

Security on the project will be enormous, and the contract has been awarded to the Burly Working Company, who won the deal ahead of Getonefree International Neutral Erections and the Rodentia Masonic Guild. The actual starting date of construction is secret, but we hope to be able to get exclusive photos for NotS in the next few issues.

- Bob the Beneficent

The nemesis of the Shrinemaster, Sir Byron Getonefree, has been put behind bars at last. We can excluively reveal that the criminal blasphemer was apprehended by the Mistress of Trash and TOSAn Student Bricriu Bittertongue in the Domination Zone this month.

It is believed that Byron was attempting to assassinate the Shrinemaster who had been kept 'safe' in a basement cell by the Warrior of Indomitable Spirit [for his own sanity]. The two TOSAns who found him and incapacitated him are to be rewarded later this month by the Shrinemaster for their efforts against blasphemy.

It is also rumoured that the two TOSAns involved have developed a close and intriguing bond...

- Hank

Solar winds, sun spots and corona activity have all been monitored and scientists say that the sun is not affected. So what IS causing this eternal night? We may have some more answers for you next month when we give an exclusive interview to former TOSAn scientist and recently re-employed Getonefree Technician, a certain Dr Bliykk.

- Miss Syren