Information on Domestic Violence
Information on Domestic Violence
Warning Signs of ViolenceThe potential for problems exist if an individual:
Someone who is an abuser may be very charming and pleasant when you first meet them. They may continue to be this way in public while being abusive while you are alone. The following are warning signs. However, there is no sure way to identify a batterer.
- was abused as a child; in early family life, the mother may have been abused by the father
- loses their temper more often than is appropriate; often expresses anger in violent ways such as hitting a wall or furniture
- has already revealed violent attitudes or actions towards others.
- drinks too much or abuses other drugs
- is unusually possessive; needs to constantly know where the significant other is, who they are with and what they are doing
- may have very strict traditional ideas about the roles of men and women
- may be easy going, gentle and loving most of the time, but there are sporadic incidents of violence
- promises never to hit or abuse again, but eventually is violent again.
A person who is very jealous.
Someone who wants to know where you are every minute.
A person who limits your time spent with family and other friends.
Someone who experiences extreme highs and extreme lows.
A person who you know has hit a previous partner.
Someone who believes that you belong to them (are their property).
A person who says they cannot help losing their temper.
Someone who grew up in a violent family.
A person who regularly calls you unkind names.
Someone who causes you to change what you want to do because you are afraid of their temper (you feel afraid when they are angry).
A person who has made you commit a crime or use drugs or alcohol against your will.
Someone who takes your money against your wishes.
A person who has forced you to have sex with them.
Someone who had discouraged you from going to school or work.
A person who hits you and then acts loving and kind afterwards, buying you presents or wanting to have sex to make up.
Someone who acts like two different people.
A person who has used an object to hit you or threatened you with a weapon.
A person who makes you feel afraid that they would kill you if you left them.
If you know or are dating someone who exhibits or has done any of the above things you may be being abused. Help is available. Talk with a trusted friend or family member, your school counselor, or you can call Women's Aid Service or Listening Ear's (772-2918) 24 hour a day crisis line to talk to someone about what had been happening. There is no excuse, abuse is never okay.
Types of Abuse
Physical Abuse Hitting
Throwing objects
Choking
Biting
Pulling hair
Kicking
Slapping
Punching
Knock down
Knock out teeth
Ripping out earrings
Twisting arms & legs
Breaking bones
Burning
Smothering
Attempts to drown
Hit with objects
Cutting with knife
Shot at
PinchingMental Abuse Cussing
Calling names
Put downs (insult looks, friends, family, intelligence, etc.)
Raising your voice
Threats
Threats to harm pets
Threats to harm children
Telling children their parent is "no good"
Kick out of the house
Cut off financial support
Break items partner likes
Accuse of sleeping around
Lie
Use drugs/alcohol
Deny your children are yours in your presence or in front of the child(ren)
Have an affair
Mind games (ways to make think going crazy)
If you or someone you know has exhibited these signs, please call Women's Aid for assistance.
Scare Tactics Reckless Driving
Raising your voice
Threats to kill yourself
Threaten to take children
Accusing looks/stares
Phone harassment
Kill pets
Damage property
Hold over a cliff
Hold at gun point
Threaten to leave
Threaten to run off with someone else
Threaten to hurt family/friends
Threaten to hurt partner
Sexual Abuse Rape
Forced oral sex
Pressure for sex
Sadistic sex acts
Infect with a sexually transmitted disease
Lead on sexually
Telling partner your ex was a better lover
Having affairs
Forced partner-swapping
Grabbing breasts, genitals, etc. in public
Forcing sex after physical abuse
Making sexual comments about other people in front of partner
Threats to get sex from someone else if won't do what
you want
Sexually abusing your children or step-children
Checking partner physically for signs of sex with another person
The Common Denominator
He hit her.
I don't know her name.
I just know that
I
Wouldn’t put up with that shit. . .
Not on your life.She says
“I love him.”
The little fool.
I heard her talking yesterday.
I don’t know her personally. . .
But I know, it wouldn’t happen to me!He says he “needs” her.
I say, “NO WAY!”Is she going to fall for that?
It’s just a line, girl!
I’m glad I’m too smart
To fall for lines!I walked by her house last night.
You never heard such carrying on!
She should’ve called the cops. . .
But she’s spineless.Isn’t it a shame?
I’m glad I’ve got enough guts. . .
I know I would do something about it.**************
Last night, he hit me. . .
And now I know.-T., a battered woman
Effects of Domestic Violence on Adults and Children
Domestic violence is much more than the interaction between assailant and victim. The dynamics of the violent relationship spread throughout the nuclear family, affecting children of all age groups. To illustrate the importance of interrupting the cycle of violence, we must understand and recognize the possible consequences of abusive behavior for each family member.
Effects on Adults:
· death by homicide (of either abuser of victim)
· death by suicide
· disabling injuries
· depression (possible requiring hospitalization)
· difficulty obtaining, maintaining, and adjusting to employment
· emotional abuse and deprivation
· breakup of the family unit
· court fights regarding separation, divorce, and custody of children
· perpetuation of social isolation for fear of violence being disclosed
· continuing of violence which will escalate if alternative behaviors are not learned
· possible recurrence of violent behavior with new partner
· expansion of violence to the communityEffects on Children:
Infancy and Early Childhood (infancy- 6yrs.):
· poor health
· poor sleeping habits
· excessive screaming (children under four show their terror by yelling)
· hiding, shaking, and stuttering
· aggression (especially in boys)7yrs to 12yrs:
· emotional injuries: low self-esteem; fearful; insecure with home environment; delayed emotional development from lack of emotional nurturing and security
· depression: feelings of hopelessness; crying spells; no interest in making friends; no interaction with other children; loss of appetite and weight
· guilt feelings: feelings of responsibility for violence; guilt for not being able to prevent or stop the violence; guilt for failure to intervene during the violence to protect parent
· aggression toward others: model aggressive and violent behaviors; use violence to resolve conflicts (it is the only solution they know); use violence to distance others from them (if they are distant, no one will discover problems in the home)
· shy withdrawn behavior: does not interact with others; behavior draws little attention so as not to indicate trouble at home
· distant and preoccupied: main concern is what may be happening at home fear for safety of parent and self maintains distance form others so no one discovers violence in the home (they are ashamed)
· poor school adjustment (educational and with peer group)
· physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse: children may attempt to intervene in a violent incident and become physically injured; emotional damage my occur when children witness the violence; abused parent may become so preoccupied with fear and abusive situations that she/he cannot be nurturing to the child; children may also be victims of sexual abuse if the family is dysfunctional in that mannerEffects on Teenagers
Teens (13yrs to 17yrs)
· truancy: stay at home, believe that their presence will prevent the violence and fighting
· role reversal: older children will take on responsibility of the younger children and the household; become caretakers and begin “parenting” the abused parent; abused parents may confide in oldest child as they would and adult; this offers little opportunity to become involved in childhood activities; children are forced into early maturity
· running away episodes: desires to escape an unbearable home situation
· modeling of behaviors: adapt learned victim or aggressor roles; often become involved in violent relationships in adulthood, either as abuser (aggressor role) or as an abused person (victim role)
· early marriage: seen as an escape out of a violent home environment; may be unconscious or conscious desire to create the same environment they have been denied
· delinquency: lack of support in the home environment, so seek support through acceptance in powerful, “strong”, usually delinquent group; easy group to be accepted into as long as individual performs according to group standards
· violence toward parents as adolescents and adults: as an act of hostility and means of gaining some control over their own violent childhood, they may strike their parents
· expansion of violence into community: failure to control aggression may lead to more serious criminal activity (sexual assault, robbery, assault, etc.)Recommended Readings:
The Battered Woman, by Lenore Walker. New York: Harper & Row, 1979.
The Battered Woman Syndrome, by Lenore Walker. New York: Springer Publishing Co., Inc., 1984.
Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood. Los Angeles: Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc., 1985.
Getting Free, by Ginny McCarthy. Seattle: The Seal Press, 1982.
Learning to Leave, by Lynette Triere & Richard Peacock. New York: Warner Books, Inc., 1982.
ABUSE INDEX: How Is Your Relationship?
Your Situation Frequently Sometimes Rarely Never
1. Is your time continually monitored and are you held 3 2 1 0
accountable?2. Are you accused of having affairs? 3 2 1 0
3. Is your partner ever rude to your friends? 3 2 1 0
4. Are you discouraged from starting new friendships? 3 2 1 0
5. Are you isolated and alone with no one to confide in? 3 2 1 0
6. Are you criticized daily on work, parenting or 3 2 1 0
appearance?7. Are you required to account for every penny spent? 3 2 1 0
8. Does your partner's mood swing wildly from calm to 3 2 1 0
anger?9. Is your partner disturbed by your outside of the home 3 2 1 0
activities?10. Does your partner become more angry when drinking? 3 2 1 0
11. Are you pressured for sex? 3 2 1 0
12. If you do not go along with sexual requests, does your 3 2 1 0
partner become angry?13. Do you quarrel over financial matters? 3 2 1 0
14. Do you quarrel over child raising techniques? 3 2 1 0
15. Are you ever hit or threatened with hands or feet? 6 5 4 0
16. Are you ever hit or threatened with objects? 6 5 4 0
17. Are you ever threatened with a weapon? 6 5 4 0
18. Have you received death or suicide threats? 6 5 4 0
19. Do you receive visible injuries? 6 5 4 0
20. Have you ever received medical treatment as a result 6 5 4 0
of your partner's actions?21. Have you ever been hospitalized because of injuries 6 5 4 0
occurring as a result of your partner's actions?22. Does your partner hurt you sexually or force 6 5 4 0
intercourse?23. Is your partner violent towards your children or other 6 5 4 0
people?24. Did your partner come from a violent home? 6 5 4 0
25. Has your partner ever been in trouble with the police? 6 5 4 0
Score of each column ____ ____ ____ ____
Total Score (add columns together) _____
Interpretation of scores
102-79 = Dangerously Abusive 78-34 = Seriously Abusive 33-15 = Moderately Abusive
14-0 = Not Abusive (or may be abusive in specific ways)
Adapted from the Clackamas Women's Shelter domestic abuse file, Clackamas, Oregon.
Battering in Same-Sex Relationships
Definition of Gay\Lesbian\Bi Battering:
The use of or threat of physical, sexual, or verbal behavior whereby a person in a same sex relationship seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs or conduct of his\her partner or to punish the partner for resisting the control over him\her. Abusive behaviors may include subtle or covert harm as well as life threatening acts of violence. These behaviors create an atmosphere of intimidation in a relationship.
Individual acts of physical violence, by this definition, do not constitute gay\lesbian\bi battering. Physical violence is not battering unless it results in the enhanced control of the batterer over the recipient. If the assaulted partner becomes fearful of the violator, if he\she modifies his\her behavior in response to the assault or to avoid future abuse, or if the victim intentionally maintains a particular consciousness or behavioral repertoire to avoid violence, despite his\her preference not to do so, he\she is battered.
The physical violence utilized by gay\lesbian\bi batterers may include personal assaults, sexual abuse, property destruction, violence directed at friends, family or pets or threats thereof. Physical violence may involve the use of weapons. Physical violence is invariably coupled with non-physical abuse, including homophobic attacks on the victim, economic exploitation and control and psychological abuse.
Why do gays/lesbians and bi people batter?:
Like heterosexual batterers, gays\lesbians and bi people who batter, seek to achieve, maintain and demonstrate power over their partners in order to maximize the accomplishment of their own needs and desires. People who are in a same sex relationship batter their partners because violence is often an effective method to gain power and control over partners.
Factors contributing to the occurrence of battering in gay\lesbian\bi relationships:
1. Learning -
a. Instruction
b. Modeling
c. Socialization
d. Reinforcement of previous uses of abusive behavior - VIOLENCE WORKS2. Opportunity -
a. Laws, traditions, attitudes
b. Isolation3. Choice -
a. The decision to abuse- Who, Where, When, How much?For a gay\lesbian\bi person to choose to batter his\her partner, he\she must conclude that:
1. He\she is entitled to control his\her partner and that it is his\her partner's obligation to acquiesce in this practice.
2. Violence is permissible. He\she can live with him\herself and conclude that he\she is an ethical/moral person even if he\she uses violence against his\her partner.
3. Violence will produce the desired effect or minimize a more negative occurrence.
4. Violence will not unduly endanger him\her. He\she will neither sustain physical harm nor suffer legal, economic, or personal consequences that will outweigh the benefit achieved through the violence.Aspects of domestic violence that are unique to women in same sex relationships:
1. Issues of bonding and separation (fusion, enmeshment) are much more acute in relationships between two women.
2. Lesbians and bi women have fewer resources to turn to for help. There are not enough organizations serving battered women let alone battered women who are lesbian\bi.
3. Homophobia/heterosexism: Battered lesbians or bi women are less likely to call the police for fear of harassment and possible minimization or dismissal of the battering. Battered lesbians and bi women may also face homophobia when seeking help from traditional service providers. The batterer may also use heterosexism/homophobia as a tool to control her partner regarding custody issues or by threatening to out her to those she is in the closet to.
4. Lesbians and bi women are more likely to fight back in self-defense at some point in the relationship. This behavior may be identified as "mutual co-battering" or "mutual abuse" by the batterer, service providers or by the victim herself. Battering, by definition, cannot be mutual.
5. The victim is less likely to be economically dependent on the batterer.
6. There is more denial regarding battering in lesbian\bi relationships within the lesbian\bi community and within domestically violent relationships themselves. Lesbians and bi women may not want to admit that women can also be perpetrators of violence. It would violate the expectation that women are safe with each other. They also may not want to give the community a "black eye" by admitting that it is not only men who would control, manipulate and violate a woman in the name of love.
The Second Closet: Battered Lesbians
Donna J. CecereYou feel like you are in a no-win situation. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. The tension between the two of you starts to build and you have already learned that nothing you do or say is going to make a difference. As they say: "You don't deserve it, but you're going to get it anyway."
Your stomach hurts a lot these days.
It seems that nothing you do is good enough. You make the bed, only to have her take it apart and make it again. You map out a trip that the two of you have been planning, and she takes it to someone at AAA to do it over. You are not trusted with the simplest of tasks.
You begin to feel worthless.
Except for occasional token atonements, your wants and needs seem to always come second. It is easier to give in to her demands than to go one more round. You find yourself agreeing when you want to disagree, swallowing your pride and sacrificing your personal integrity for the sake of keeping peace. You give in to prove your love.
Physically and emotionally, you feel exhausted.
She accuses you of sleeping with other women (and your male friends). You are expected to account for all your time away from her. She is jealous of your friendships and your family. You feel set up to choose between her and you friends, her and your children, her and your work. You gradually isolate yourself from the world to try to make her feel more secure and more loved and to avoid another fight.
You feel you are suffocating.
You know that she loves you, but when something (anything!) out there angers her, she take it out on you. You try to compensate, try to control the environment to keep her from getting upset, but sometimes she walks in the door that way. Maybe this time she'll just yell some insults and blow off steam. Maybe she'll throw you up against the wall or hit you. Maybe she'll beat the hell out of you. Would she actually kill you?
You feel helpless, responsible and guilty.
Positive Affirmations for Survivors of Domestic Abuse
I am a lovable, valuable human being.
I am not to blame for being beaten and abused.
I am not causing my partner’s abusive behavior.
I do not like being abused, and do not have to take it.
I can decide what is best for me.
I can accomplish anything I want to accomplish.
I deserve to take the time to care for myself.
I can make changes in my life to be healthy and safe.
I am a worthwhile person who can ask others for help when I need it.
As a human being and a partner I have the right to be treated with respect and love.
I deserve the same courtesy, consideration, attention and respect as any other person.
I deserve to feel happy.
I deserve to take the time each day to relax.
I deserve to feel proud of my accomplishments, and to be forgiven for my mistakes.
I deserve to BE MYSELF!
Pick out some of these affirmations, and repeat them to yourself throughout the day as you complete you daily tasks and before you fall asleep at night. Write them on a piece of paper, and tape it to the bathroom mirror or some other spot where you will see it throughout the day, as a reminder for you to repeat them. You could also write each of five times a day until you feel that they are true. Feel free to come up with some of your own as well.
Why People Stay in Battering Relationships
Obviously, this list is incomplete and each motive is not operating in each case, but a combination of some of the factors listed is often reasoned as to why people stay in battering relationships:
1. Love
2. Fear - the belief that the batterer is omnipotent. Often threats are made against the victim, e.g., the abuser will kill the victim if a police report is filed. Police, as seen by the victim, offer no real protection.
3. A batter who is arrested is usually release in a matter of hours (on bond) and the batterer may then take revenge on the victim.
4. Even if it is the neighbors who report, the batterer may hold the victim responsible, hence, when the police respond, the victim may not admit to the battering.
5. Economic and financial dependence.
6. Religious and cultural beliefs or societal views often demand that the victim maintain the facade of a healthy marriage.
7. The batterer is often the victim’s only psychological support system. The batterer has systematically destroyed the victim’s other relationships. Also, other people often feel uncomfortable around violence and withdraw from it.
8. The victim may believe that the children need the parental role of the abuser.
9. The abuser may threaten to take or harm the children if the victim tries to leave.
10. Learned helplessness.
11. Some law enforcement officials and judicial authorities do not take domestic violence seriously, hence it is never really punished or taken away from the victim. Any attempt by the victim to consult authorities is seen as a threat, and the abuser may batter the victim for those attempts.
12. The batterer may be highly respected in the community or mild-mannered toward others. The victim may not believe that he/she will be taken seriously or that anyone will believe it. The batterer may be violent only with the victim, therefore the victim may conclude that there is something wrong with him/her and not the batterer.
13. The victim may believe that it is his/her fault.
14. The victim may not know that services are available for domestic violence victims.
15. Battering takes place in a relatively short period of time. Afterward, the batterer may be loving, apologetic, quiet, and seem sincere. Many victims of domestic violence describe their batterers as charming and loving when they are not battering.
16. The victim may be convinced that the most recent incident of battering will be the last.
17. The victim may have been raised in a domestic violence household and may view this behavior as normal or acceptable.
18. The victim may believe that he/she can change the batterer’s behavior.
19. The victim may be ambivalent to the situation or be a poor decision maker. People working with victims of domestic violence may need a decision faster that the victim is able to give.
20. The victim may be able to function only in a crisis.
21. The victim may not want to be alone.
22. The victim may be too embarrassed to ask for help.
23. The victim may not identify as being abused.
24. The victim may not know that he/she has the right to not be beaten.
25. The victim may believe that it is no one else’s business.
26. The victim may fear retaliation from the abuser’s family and friends.
27. The victim does not want the relationship to end, only the violence.
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