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On the March 27, 95 show, David Letterman issued the "Top Ten Signs Your Lifeguard is Nuts":
10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba.
9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically.
8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish.
7. Sits with back to the ocean.
6. Just married a CPR dummy.
5. The gold crown and flowing velvet cape.
4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "Sorry pal. I just ate luhch, so I have to wait half an hour."
3. Breakfast, lunch and supper - chlorine.
2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house.
1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle.
Source: Royal Life Saving Society Canada Alberta & NWT Branch Newsletter, Fall/Winter 1995
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff like NightRider.
1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
To which the 4th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says "I like engineers....they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."