Phil: “So Bush is going to go and bomb all the terrorists.”
Billie: “Yeah, in Terroristville where they all live.”
Phil: “No, common mistake—they all live in Terrorstburg.”
Katy: “Yeah, Terroristville is full of innocent people.”
Phil: “I could see Bush making that mistake.”
Mike: “The key is, of course, to look as disheveled as possible when they walk through the door.”
Katy: “I have to call my parents every week or I’m out of the will. Seriously—my brother’s out of the will. But he’s getting a second chance.”
Billie: “This story is about my friend Amy the Wiccan lesbian—as opposed to Katy’s friend Amy the Wiccan lesbian.”
Phil: “Hey, I know an Amy the Wiccan lesbian, too.”
Katy: “I swear, they’re everywhere.”
Phil: “No wait, I know two of them!”
Chelle: “...and I don’t like addition and subtraction.”
Mike: “Well, I don’t like differential equations, but do you see me bitching and moaning about it?”
Chelle and Em: “Yes!”
Evil Joel: “Oh Chelle, you’re a feminist? How cute!”
Mike: “You know Joel, maybe you should go down to the feminist house with Em—it’d be a great place for you to try to pick up chicks.”
Katy: “Despite my promiscuous dreams, I really am a one woman guy—oh crap, I mean girl.”
Billie: “So you’re a one woman girl?”
Katy: “Damn it.”
Phil: “Yeah right, like they’re going to interrupt The Simpsons for news. As if FOX cares about news.”
Mike: “They interrupted football for news today.”
Phil (eyes the size of saucers): “They interrupted... football?”
(In the kitchen)
Mike: “Hey—there’s a timer in here!”
Phil: “Oh, sweet!”
(In the living room)
Billie: (smirk)
Katy: “Shh.... They’re guys.”
(After all the shot glasses are full and there’s still Jello left.)
Billie: “We could just put the rest in a bowl and then cut it up and use a fork.”
Evil Joel: “Man, eating alcohol with a fork. It’s just... not right.”
Zahnnie: “My friend Toh is exactly like you. If you were a guy, the two of you would be the cutest gay couple in the UNIVERSE. Will you get a sex change for me?”
Katy: “And I’m surprisingly not uncomfortable, even though I’m the only one here not attracted to women.”
Off-Duty Bartender: “Don’t be so sure about that. There’s nothing like a nice stiffy in your mouth.”
Katy: “Wow. Now, whenever I close my eyes I can see naked women dancing.”
Billie: “Hey, that’s cool! But Phil can’t try because he’s driving.”
Phil: “Mmm, naked women.”
Katy: “Phil! Stop it!”
Joel: “I’m sorry. I’m like—“ (crashes into door) “...you can see what I’m like, and it’s not good.”
Annie: “I had a Halloween party for my Moroccan friends so they could experience this fabulous holiday. When I first explained it, they asked if it was that day when American children pretend to be dead people and beg for food. I had to say yes, but fervently claimed it was all in good fun.”
Billie: “Is this the part where you smash my face into your cleavage?”
Katy: “No, because I’m not Zahnnie.”
Katy: “Ah, Zahnnie. Random person I’ve never met.”
Sarah the English Major: “I think I can just tell English majors by sight. We all have that same look that says, ‘Yeah, we read too much.’”
Billie: “You know where I’d really like to go right now? IHOP.”
Katy: “We don’t have IHOPs in Minnesota. But you know where you should go instead? The International Hou... no wait, cause that’d be dumb. The Original Pancake House.”
Katy: “Oh—yeah! Hoo ya!”
Katy (hiding her face): “Oh my God—I just said ‘hoo ya’ because I know the definition of manifest destiny. I’m so disappointed in myself!”
Adela: “I could have friends with benefits. I wouldn’t make out with them or anything, but—you know—I could make them furniture.”
Ari: “But if God is dead, who will save the queen?”
Kelly: “I’m in Gryffindor.”
Sandra: “Me too!”
Billie: “I’m in Ravenclaw.”
Sandra: “That’s still a very good dorm. Wow, we have too much time on our hands.”
Kelly: “And too much internet access.”
Weldon: “Of course I’m coughing! I haven’t drank in three years. Wait—am I nineteen or twenty?”
Billie’s Mom: “I don’t remember anything about the eighties. I was too busy.”
Billie: “I always seem to trip when I’m leaving your room lately.”
Joel: “Ah, that’s my plan. One of these days you’ll hit your head on the tiles and be knocked unconscious, and then I’ll have you to myself all night.”
Billie: “Um, Joel?”
Joel: “Whoa! That came out really wrong!”
Lauren: “You know what was really scary in that movie? The ringwraiths. And you know what else was scary? Bilbo Baggins when he was scary!”
Karen (the day after winning a grant): “Where is my mind?”
Lauren: “Are you thinking about those cookies you’re going to give us?”
Karen: “No, I’m thinking that I probably should have stopped after two glasses of wine last night.”
The M.C.: “Check under your chairs. Does anyone have something from Scandinavia?”
Katy: (Pulling something out): “Uh-oh. I have something from the chair factory.”
Billie’s Dad: “Just write your book, and if someone bombs a Shinto shrine someday, you’ll be enormously successful.”
Katy: “You’re lucky.” (singing) “Lucky, lucky, bo bucky, banana—oh. Never mind.”
Olson: “You know, if we were at a state school right now, we'd be getting drunk and getting laid. But no. We're here. Laughing at Linux jokes.”
Ari G: “I’m playing against myself. And I’m cheating.”
Erin: “Are we making maki-zushi?”
Fun Mike: “Um, we’re making the rolly kind.”
Katy: “And it’s come to my attention that Boyscout Mike doesn’t like his new nickname.”
Evil Joel: “That’s why I call him Girlscout Mike.”
Billie: “’Cause he likes that better?”
Evil Joel: “Well, he laughed.”
Karen Sawyer (English teacher): “.... And on the inside cover of the book he had written a marriage proposal in the form of the Shakespearian sonnet. It had the right rhyme scheme, and it was even in iambic pentameter!”
(Playing AD&D)
Katy: “Jeez, this guy obviously doesn’t know anything. Let’s leave.”
DM Fun Mike: “Okay, here’s a hint. Sometimes, if you just kick randomly at a dirt floor, you won’t uncover anything. But if you scrape away the layers one by one, you might find something useful underneath.”
Nate: “So, can we check the floor?”
Billie: “I won’t put much stock in those ‘Best movies of all times’ lists.”
Brian: “Yeah, they all have Titanic on them.”
Billie’s Dad: “Well, maybe there’s something we missed in that movie. After all, we only saw it once.”
Amy: “Quick, everyone, blend into the tree!”
Zahnnie: “I’ll be the tree. Everyone blend into me!”
Amy: “That was an interesting way to get everyone touching you.”
Sandra: “Oh my God! Look! It’s a tractor store, and people are actually buying tractors!”
Nicole: “Since Coke cans don’t make popping noises when you open them anymore, I think the northerners should have to call them tsu-chhhhhh.”
Billie (Reading Four by the Shore): “’I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I have to go to the bathroom!’”
Billie: “Heh. When I was little and my mom read me this book, that became the roadtrip mantra.”
Kelly and Sandra: “I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I have to go to the bathroom!”
Nicole: “I’m not turning this car around!”
Sandra: “You’ve won this round, Bapti-dome. But we shall return, and in greater numbers!”
Frank: “It’s not casing, it’s simply urban exploration.”
Frank: “According to the people on the Isle of Man, the only natural enemy of the dragon is the elephant. I figured that might explain Aryne’s view of Republicans.”
Frank: “You forced the door open, Mary? I’m shocked.”
Billie: “Ha ha Mary, Frank’s a paradigm of virtue and you’re not!”
Frank (either playing along or not getting the joke): “I certainly hope you don’t believe that.”
Lacey: “What are the Black Alley Cats?”
Sandra: “It’s like ‘us,’ but with more syllables.”
Sandra: “So I was playing Final Fantasy, and I wanted to rename Shadow ‘Mike Wazowski.’ But there wasn’t enough room on the screen, so I had to call him ‘Wazo.’”
Billie: “I renamed Shadow ‘Guenh.’”
Zahnnie: “Wow, that’s the third time Guenh’s died as a Final Fantasy character.”
Amy: “It’s incredible. Somehow, somewhere Zahnnie’s picked up finesse. Except you wouldn’t believe it right now... since she’s singing into her tail.”
Amy (to a room full of people dressed at Cats): “Everyone, just be careful out there, and watch your tails.”
Zahnnie: “Yeah, watch your tails. Watch each others’ tails. Chase your tales.” (spins around in circles, chasing her tail)
Sandra: “I have something to say. I’m weird? At least I’m not a pagan lesbian. Ha! I’ve been saving that through the whole movie.”
Kelly: “Amy’s decided to take over the world for its own good.”
Amy: “I got the idea from something Anakin Skywalker said.”
Amy: “Okay, now it’s my turn to feed you grapes.” (attempts.) “Sorry—the car just moved unexpectedly.”
Billie: “Ah. I wasn’t sure if that was the car or if you were being flirtatious.”
(In the toy aisle) Amy: “Ooh, Amidala in chains. No—no—not thinking about that. Not interested in that kind of thing any more.”
Kelly: “So... you’re not a lesbian now?”
Kelly: (sitting on the toilet) “Why are the stall doors transparent?”
Amy: “They are?!”
(Multiple people crowd around to see.)
Kelly: “Noooooo! Go away!”
Billie: “So Kelly, you know how the teachers say that there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers? Well, that was a stupid question.”
Billie: “I’m not leaving this country if I don’t see the Two Towers preview.”
Lucy: “Well, that’s a very mature position.”