To Graduation and Beyond!

Mike: “No, there’s nothing illegal about stotella.  It’s just illegal to put copyrighted materials onto stotella.”

Evil Joel: “That’s why we’re still in school here.”

(Across the field, an orchestra girl trips and falls down the stairs.)

Billie: “Hey, she just specifically twisted so that her head would hit the pavement instead of her saxophone.”

Katy: “Well, her head isn’t as fragile as the saxophone.  Or as well insured.”

(Girl gets up and immediately inspects instrument for damage.)

Katy: “She has priorities.”

Katy: “And Little Red Riding Hood says, ‘No!  You’re going to eat me like in the story!’”

Tim: “How is that a dirty joke?”

Katy: “Because he’s going to eat her.  Like in the story.”

Billie: “Tim doesn’t get it.”

Katy: “Tim, have you ever been to middle school?”

Katy: “Let’s party like it’s 1994.”

Billie: “But I don’t want to party like it’s 1994.  I want to take a nap.”

Katy: “Well then, let’s party like it’s 1987… and it’s nap time.”

Billie: “That guy has two bumper stickers, ‘No more taxes’ and ‘Support our troops.’”

Billie’s Dad: “Oh, he was thinking.”

Roger: “Sounds like some sort of fantasy.”

Billie’s Dad: “Yes, but it’s a fantasy shared by our government.”

Prof Reed: “So, if any of you have been wanting to read an autobiography about the childhood exploits of a bodhisattva incarnate in human form, this is the book for you.”

Katy: “And then somebody said ‘Hot lesbian action,’ I don’t know, it could have been me….”

Billie: “Wow, 230 inches of snow.  That’s a lot.  If there were 230 inches of snow on the ground tomorrow, how many feet would that be, Katy?”

Katy: “Over thirty.  Back to you, Billie!”

(pause)

Katy: “Of course, that would be true if a foot had seven inches in it, like I was assuming.  Over twenty!.... I mean, almost twenty.”

Fun Mike: “And you know, when you’re dumping cold water on yourself at an altitude of ten thousand feet, and you’re not eating anything, you start to have visions.”

Evil Joel: “It’s time to partake of festivities and watch anime.  And by festivities I mean alcohol.  And by anime I mean Japanese cartoons.”

Billie’s sister Katie: “There should have been more elf girls in that movie.  Of course, they would spend all their time chasing Legolas around.  If I were an elf girl, that’s definitely what I’d be doing.  ‘Cause, hello?  Legolas.”

(They grow up so quickly, don’t they?)

Scott (reading from the menu at the Contented Cow): “’Because the Cow tries to be an authentic British pub, our wait staff does not take drink orders.  Please give your orders at the bar.’  Oh, and, ‘The Cow is a nonsmoking pub.’”

Kim: “One day Katy and I made a table of all of our friends and the people we hang out with to figure out how they were all connected.  We found out that it’s pretty much five degrees of Joel Landsteiner.”

Prof Cannella: “Maybe we could watch some of Disney’s Mulan to compare it to Chinese history.”

Andy: “I’m sure Eddie Murphy epitomizes the Chinese ancestor spirit to a tee.”

Katy: “I’ve seen enough Yu Gi Oh to know that all they do is play a card game.  I kid you not.  It’s like, ‘Oh ho!  Little do you know, I looked at your cards while you were in the bathroom!’”

Katy: “When Jon was picking out his apartment, the guy was like, ‘Well, we have a special promotion!’  It turns out that they took off some fees, didn’t charge for the first month’s rent, so he saves about $400, and then, as the guy explained, ‘We take the money you save and use it to give you tickets on a cruise!’”

Sarah: “So he takes the money that they’re not paying him and uses it to buy cruise tickets.”

Katy: “Then I asked him, ‘So, Michael Sullivan—that was his name—do you do anything else besides selling apartments?’  And he said yes, he also studies at the University of Minnesota School of Business.”

Sarah: “It says here in Newsweek that the average cost of sending a kid to college at a private university is $40,000 a year.   That’s... not right.”

Billie: “Maybe they’re assuming you don’t need financial aid... or... anything.”

Katy: “Maybe when they add room and board, board includes pizza every night... and ski trips.”

Kim: “I’m a math geek, so I keep a compass in my backpack at all times.  I didn’t even think of it until the airport security guy said I couldn’t take it on the plane.  I was like, ‘Oh yeah, sharp pointy metal object, huh?’”

Katy: “And of course you said just that to the security guard, right?”

Billie: “Okay, I’m going to go euphemize.”

Tim: “Euthanize?”

Katy: “Yes.  Small children.”

Billie: “So, is Scott staying on campus for interim break?”

Sarah: “Yes.  And what my parents don’t know won’t kill me.”

Fun Mike: “The funny thing about jokes is that they’re really a test of the intelligence of your listeners.  There has to be a certain leap in order for a joke to be funny.  For example, knock, knock.”

Everyone: “Who’s there?”

Fun Mike: “Little Boy Blue.”

Everyone: “Little Boy Blue who?”

Fun Mike: “Michael Jackson.  You see, there has to be a leap.  It wouldn’t be funny if you just presented the joke to people.  Like, knock, knock.”

Everyone: “Who’s there?”

Fun Mike: “Michael Jackson has oral sex with children.  But there’s no thinking involved, so it’s not funny.  At least, it’s not supposed to be.  Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen such a trendy topic.”

Scott: “Why have I never heard of these [Ren fests] before?”

Sarah: “Because you live in the Dark Ages.  Oh wait—because you don’t.”

Katy: “No, Blake doesn’t want to eat with us—I hate him!!!  Oh no, not Blake, sorry, I heard someone down on that end of the table say ‘amendment,’ so I assumed you were talking about Bush.”

Katy: “Relay for Life sent me a message and asked if the Privateers wanted to have a Relay for Life team.  I didn’t think that sounded very piratical.  So I deleted it.”

Evil Joel: “Wow, this is the first time in like three years that I’ve eaten both meals at the caf on Saturday.”

Mari: “Except, they serve three meals.”

Jon: “My life is essays. I always know what’s due tomorrow, and it’s getting easier to rip them out of my skull.  It hurts, though.  It hurts.”

Olson: “Yeah, Katy’s ring is pretty.  The reason I like Mike’s more is that it looks like it might have magic powers.”

Zac: (regarding Katy’s ring) “How much did that thing set you back?”

Katy: “Me?  Nothing.”

Zac’s roommate: “She’s getting hitched.”

Zac: “Oh!  Congratulations!”  (to Billie) “Whoa, that’s a really small computer.”

Billie: “So, it’s okay if I bring chocolate chip cookies to your dork party?”

Evil Joel: “Do you really have to ask?”

Billie: “I don’t know, you guys could be like, ‘Grr, we’re making a network, go away!’ or something.”

Olson: “It’s not like we’re going to put up a sign that says, ‘No girls allowed, especially those with food.’  If anything, we should put of a sign saying, ‘It’s amazing that any of us have girlfriends, much less most of us.’”

(During a game of Killing Dr. Lucky, Evil Joel moves his piece out of the Lancaster Room.)

Tim: “That’s funny that you’re moving out of the Lancaster Room, since your name is Landsteiner.”

Olson: “What?  That’d be like saying that you should be in the Green House because your last name is Breen.”

Jon Geurts: “I’ll just stay right here in the Geurtsvants Quarters.”

Billie: “I want to join in this conversation, but I can’t see anything on the board that even remotely resembles my name.”

Olson: “Duh!  The Billieard Room.”

Colin: “His father owned a pencil factory and dreamed of passing it on to young Henry David, but for reasons that are probably obvious when we say the words ‘pencil factory,’ Thoreau didn’t want to do that.”

Billie: “You could just cut up the tomatoes so it would be easier to fit everything inside the pita.”

Paul: “That is so not the way to eat a gyros.”

(pause)

Jon: “That is so not the way to pronounce a gyros.”

Sandra: “My expectations were too high, so it was disappointing.  But then, my expectations are usually too high.  Like the math lab.  I figured it would be a big room where people are standing around holding numbers, and they’d have beakers full of equations that they’re heating over the fire, but it’s just computers on a bunch of tables with chairs.  It’s like the cafeteria but with computers.”

Billie: “I’ve noticed that when scholars reference a French quote, they never feel the need to translate it—they just assume you speak French.  Have you noticed that?”

Amy: “It’s different in each field.  In religion they do that with French and German, and in science they can have Latin stuff….”

Sandra: “And in computer science, they have all these quotes in math.”

Amy: “You know Hot Topic’s getting too mainstream when they say, ‘We only sell that product during the Halloween season.’”

Billie’s Dad: “Okay, yeah.  So this is the one where he meets his uncle, or an uncle figure, who is the prisoner of Aberjeen, and who lives in a house under a tree, right?  And everyone thinks the house is haunted because of the werewolf—or no, he is a werewolf.  And Dumbledorf knows he lives there, right?”