Feb 4 2002

This is another installment on the happenings of my life. This past weekend was a real hectic and at times very stressful one. I spent all day long this past Thursday (Jan 31st) moving into a new and cheaper apartment.  Let me first tell ya about this past week. I worked my 8 days stretch at work. Then on Tuesday morning, as I was finishing my shift from Monday night, the staffing office asked if I would be willing to pull a double shift (work my regular shift then the following shift also). I couldn?t say no (it was actually my wallet calling since I am very low in cash right now). After working 16 hours straight, about 3:30pm Tuesday afternoon. I was sooo tired I couldn?t do anything but walk through the door and collapse on my bed. I slept till 10pm that night. As luck would have it, I was wide-awake and couldn?t sleep anymore. I stayed up most of Tuesday night chatting with Elaine, a friend from Montana who is also going through a divorce. I napped for a few hours Wednesday morning. I WAS planning on making my move on that day but the carpeting in my new apartment wasn?t finished yet so my move was delayed a day till Thursday. I spent most of Wednesday cleaning and packing. In fact I was up Wednesday night also cleaning and packing. I?m telling ya?moving SUCKS! Especially if you haven?t really moved anywhere by your very self as was the case for me. Well this was my first move with ANYTHING to basically put it on words. My moves during my mission only consisted of my clothing, books, and bike (not exactly difficult moves then).  And when I moved from Fort Smith to Rexburg to attend school; again mostly the clothes on my back and a few odds and ends. My move from Fort Smith to Olympia was quite complex, but my s2bex wife helped me pack things up. Then my ?move? from our apartment to MY apartment a year ago last December only consisted of the clothes on my back and my computer. That was all that my s2bex wife let me take away.  So my moving and packing experience has been very limited to say the least.

After being awake from basically Tuesday night till Thursday morning I was dead tired. But nevertheless my move began. I was able to get some help from some very kind friends from work, Deborah and Paul. I needed a vehicle to carry my couch in (we used her truck). And Paul helped me a great deal. I am SOO thankful for his kindness in helping. He helped me from 10am till after 5pm.  After I drove him home I was having a very difficult time staying awake. After emptying my old apartment totally with the few exceptions of some trash and an unclean bathroom countertop, I drove back home. I was soo tired I couldn?t even stay awake. I woke up and I was in the Safeway parking lot. Not quite sure how I safely drove there but I did. I finally made it home by 7pm or so. I could do nothing but collapse and sleep and sleep and sleep. I normally would have picked the kids up Thursday morning but I had to move. After waking up my s2bex wife called with a nagging voice asking ?When are you picking the kids up??. I told her in a couple hours. She replied with ?I?ve got things to do today?. I replied, ?How am I suppose to know that you didn?t tell me that you did.? She replied with ?You never asked.? *I can?t read minds?especially hers*. This is the same attitude that she has kept for the past 5 years. It is the total case of ?Denial. Denial?Denial? if its her fault she passes the buck.

If you?ve read my prior postings you might recall that I?m going through a divorce. I had thought that after having the settlement conference on Jan 14th that it?d be finished by now. Well it hasn?t as you can tell by my referring to ?The Troll? as the s2bex wife. Let me fill you in on the status of the divorce. After the settlement conference she noticed some things that she wants changed.

Namely:

1:  She is requesting that both parents be prohibited from removing the children from the State without written permission from the other parent. (She is a control ?freak? (maybe fiend is the right description) *the reason why she wanted to move out here wasn?t ?to start a new life? as she told me. It was to alienate my family from my children. If I approve this she will never allow my children to visit my family.

2. As it is written thus far the Wednesday prior to this holiday and including the holiday would be included in my visitations with my kids. She doesn?t want this holiday to include neither Wednesday nor the following weekend for visitations. *She wants this to keep me from having as much time with my kids

3. During the settlement conference the judge agreed with the idea of me picking both the kids up Thursday mornings and then promptly dropping Micayla off to school, which gives me some Daddy-Son time with Adam while Micayla is off to school. The Troll agreed to that idea during the conference but now she is against that. She says ?it was my understanding that visitation would be every other weekend at Thursday 6pm with a return of Monday at 9am. **Again to keep me from having as much influence on my kids (in this case my son).

4. And the last point that she wants is to try and squeeze more $ out of me in the form of child support. She is already killing me as it is in $ wise. **I think that I will end up having to go the bankruptcy route to make it by without being sued by my creditors. I hate this!!

I like my new apartment, the complex is rather large but its cheap cheap cheap?.that is the magic word for me. This is almost 1/3 cheaper than my old apartment, which equals out to be $100 cheaper in rent alone.

As I've been unpacking my things I have been having a little trip into my past. I have found some things that I haven't seen in almost 10 years. I have read some of my old journals and reminisced through parts of my mission days and post mission days.

I always wonder, "What if I had done this?" Or "What if I had done that?" How would my life be different? Those thoughts run through my mind all day and all nightlong. I can't imagine that going through this crappy divorce would be part of God's plan. I wouldn't wish this upon anybody (except for my s2bex going through the same pains as I have).

I hope you (the reader) don't mind my jumping from one topic to another.

I had my kids this past weekend. During the same phone call with ?The Troll? since she was going to run some ?errands? she was just going to drop the kids off at my new apartment. So I had them from Friday afternoon till this Monday morning (this morning). I just LOVE being with my babies. We usually go up to Seattle to walk around the Seattle Temple grounds, but I was short of cash for gas so we stayed down here. We didn?t go anywhere special. We only went to the park on Saturday evening. Over the weekend the kids watched the movie ?Shrek? and ?Veggie Tales? probabably15 times each movie. They just love each of those movies. The kids started coming down with a cough Friday evening. Last night the kids slept with me (I love sleeping with them?. they love to snuggle and hug me with their little hands..It is just SOOO sweet!!!) During the night Adam kept on waking up wanting some water to drink probably every 20 minutes (it drove me nuts) but he needed water. I could feel that his body was hot but I figured it was just due to the body heat under the blankets. By this morning his body hadn?t cooled off any and I found my thermometer to check this  temp. Adam?s temperature was at least 104 F. Once it got up to that high I didn?t see a reason to see how high it DID go. I didn?t have any Tylenol so I called Becky asking her to call back soon. She called back, I told her about his big fever and he said that his side hurted too (I was fearing something bad like a ruptured something or another inside him and then an infection setting in causing his big fever?that is what I was fearing was) I quickly had Micayla dress herself and put some clothes on Adam and went to Becky?s house. Becky wasn?t concerned a bit?. I wonder more and more of her being fit to be a mother. Before I left I gave my kids a hug and kiss and telling them that I love them. As I drove away my darling daughter was waving to me as I drove away, it is so sweet and it hurts me each time I have to leave the kids. Especially having to leave the kids in an immoral home as Becky is providing for them. I can?t see how someone could purposely live such an immoral lifestyle after making the promises of God. It is making a mockery of His plan. I know that no one is perfect and we all are sinners, but I think that breaking commandments involuntarily and BLATANTLY placing the words of God to the side are two very different things.

As I was going through some old pictures that I have from my childhood and my parents some thoughts kept on running through my mind.

One thought I briefly touched upon just in the above lines about how I just don?t understand how one can feel good about themselves while they are living an adulterer?s lifestyle.

I have the total and utmost respect for the Lord?s words. And I would never or have never thought of them as suggestions rather than real commandments as they really are.

One of the blessings that my dad received in the last years of his life it was promised him that he would ?have a significant time to spend with each of his children.? I never knew of this promise till after his death. This past summer I had a ?feeling? (only way I can describe it) that I needed to visit my mom and dad. I was in Arkansas from the 23rd of June till the 7th of July. No one told me that it was going to be the last time I?d see my dad in good health. But I knew it was in my heart. At the airport as I was about to return to Olympia I noticed then and still remember the look in my dad?s eyes. I didn?t want to return, if it weren?t for my children here I would not have. My dad was about to cry?and I was too.  I will remember that look in his eyes for the rest of my days. On July 1st my niece Emily Marie Holder (my brother?s new baby) was blessed at church. During church my dad went up to the pulpit and bore his testimony. I don?t remember seeing my dad bearing his testimony often though I know beyond a doubt that he did have one. He gave one of the most sincere and powerful testimonies that I have ever heard that morning. Everyone knew that he knew the Plan of Salvation. He didn?t have a concern for himself but only for his brother. He was a man of great faith. I can only hope to be like him.

I feel that one of the great tests in life is to see whether we love our family members?, who have passed from this life, enough to want to return to be with them. This is the case as with my dad. If we love him enough we will want to live out life like we know that we should.