Oooh, oooh! Marc's coming to visit, so I won't be home alone for New Years after all!

Oh yes, I got this, from here. Perfect for 2003!

The year in review

I was going to write this whole long soppy "year in review" entry in which I explain what I learned during this tumultuous year and how I was going to apply what I learned in everyday life... but I'm not going to. The reason for that being is that I don't even remember half the things I learned this year, and to try and convince myself and everyone else that I learned so much would just be hypocrytical.

I'm not going to make any New Year's resolutions either. All I have is hope. Hope that in 2003, I can find the strength to make it through and maybe learn something from my experiences along the way. Hope that in 2003, I can somehow grow as a human being and become a more understanding and compassionate person. Hope that in 2003, I can get one step closer to the person I've always wanted to be.

"if you're with me
next year will be
the perfect year"
- Dina Caroll

I'm irritated...

I'm so freakin' irritated today. I don't know what it is. It's probably cause I didn't get any sleep last night, and every time I tried to take a nap today, the phone rings, or people keep banging doors, or something rings the doorbell. I swear, I'm a fag on the edge here. Also, when I'm irritated (and severely pissed like I am today), I start eating. That in itself is not a problem, but since I have anorexia, I can't take in all that much food at one time, and I eat anything I see, which happens to be fatty oily and rich stuff and I'm not supposed to eat that and then I feel like I want to vomit. Oh, and of course if it contains wheat I blow up like a fucking blowfish.

AND THERE IS THIS FUCKING FLY THAT KEEPS SITTING ON MY LEG AND EVERYTIME I WANT TO SQUASH IT THE MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT FLIES AWAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Okay, now I feel a little bit better...

Thanx Cara for your message... it really means a lot to me.Oh, and thanx for this; I've been taking my frustrations out on it all day, teehee. My parents and my sister are going on vacation the 3rd of Jan, and they want me to go with, but I don't want to. I need a vacation... away from them. I've been in their faces 24/7 the past four months and I swear if I don't get a break soon it's going to get very ugly.

::cries:: I want my therapist!

i hate you so much right now
urgh
- Kelis

Sad News

My uncle passed away this afternoon. There are a lot of things I wanted to write about today, but I'll do that another time. I just want to say thank you to Marc who's been there for me through all this... I love you more than I'm able to show.

To my uncle, wherever he may be now, farewell... Godspeed, old Sea Captain. I will miss you muchly.

sometimes the snow comes down in june
sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
- Vanessa Williams

ok, I've edited this piece a million times already... I'm taking a break! I just wish that stupid free hosting place would get back to me so that I can move my site already... grrrrrrrrr!

testing testing...

Post-Traumatic Christmas Disorder

Okay, my Christmas wasn't as dramatic as the title might suggest. Christmas Eve turned out to be really great. I got to spend it with the people I love most in the world: my family, my best friend and my boyfriend. Christmas day was a bit different. My parents got called out to the hospital very early, so I spent most of the day alone. Luckily Marc came to visit, so that brightened up my day considerably.

I'm irritated as all hell today, worse than a pitbull bitch with pms during mating season. I'm just frustrated cause I can't seem to fo anything right. I went to the mall today, but sat the whole time in the car because the people made me feel like Mr Generic McPlainwrap. God, I hate cool people. They think they're so cool. I swear if one person just looked at me funny today, they would've ended up flatter than a bug on New York sidewalk. Haha! Isn't that funny?? Me pretending that I could actually beat up someone... Ah, the days when I used to roll over and play dead to get the bullies into trouble. They used to push me down the stairs, and when I (eventually) got to the bottom, I'd just lie there and pretend to be unconscious.

...

I'm such a loser.

"this time
i know
it's for real"
- Donna Summer

Hello! Anybody homo?

My mind is going... but then again what's new. I suppose that's only natural during this time of year. I'm just really glad 2002 is coming to an end. It definitely was not my most favourite of years, although I did learn quite a lot, perhaps more than I've learned in the past few years. My dreams changed this year. My priorities changed this year. I changed a hell of a lot... at least on the inside.

Oh yes, I have gained one kilogram! And although that may not seem like much to you, it is a big deal for me. Could 2003 be the year in which I finally curb my eating disorder? Mmmmmm, we'll just have to wait and see. Let's hope so.

My uncle is back in the hospital, though they don't think he's coming out again. I overheard my parents saying that the cancer has spread into his brain now. This is the part that I hate... the waiting and not knowing what is going to happen. It's like my whole family is just poised and ready, waiting for the grim reaper to make his call. I don't really understand death. I'm used to it, but I don't understand it. It's as if my brain can't comprehend the fact that the person is really gone. It feels like they're just on a really long vacation and that I'll get to see them again... which will hopefully be true one day.

Oh Marc, take me to heaven in your hot air balloon and feed me cotton candy! Together we can find something better if we lose our minds, and not care about the rest of the world. You can hold me in your arms and stare into my eyes while I tell you how much I love you. You can play guitar, even though you forgot how, and I will hear the song in your heart, flawless and perfect. And then I'll kiss you, and everything that was ever wrong will be right, and we'll be the people we always dreamed we could be.

"make me precious flowers
under these rocks and stones"
- Chantal Kreviazuk

Bim-Bom

So many times in life we come across experiences in life when we think "this shouldn't be happening" or " this doesn't feel right". But if it weren't meant to be happening, or if it were so wrong, would it be happening in the first place? Everything happens for a reason, whether we understand it or not, but have to try to learn it. After all, if you don't learn from a lesson, you are doomed to repeat it until you learn from it. Experiences that don't kill us will maim and scar us for the rest of our lives, but at least we survived them and have a chance to live anew.

"if the words are slightly wrong
that's the way they wrote the song
sad to say but that's the way it goes"
- Sergio Mendes & Brasil '66

Yearning

What's the use of distant travel, if only to discover that home is in your heart...

"i'm yearning no more
i found my home
in you"
- Basia

Heathcliffe... it's me, Cathy, come home!

This Kate Bush song has been stuck in my head for the past few days a hairbrush stuck in dreadlocks. Wuthering Heights... a tale that used to resemble very closely my lovelife, but thanks to Marc, I am no longer having bad dreams in the night, or begging for someone to let me in-a their window. This is also the reason behind my recent absence... for once I'm living a dream instead of just dreaming it.

"too long i roam in the night
i'm back to his side to put it right"
- Kate Bush