Happy Halloween!

I apologise for my mini hiatus of late. Things have been a little hectic this side, and I haven't had much time to blog. My parents have decided to retile the whole house, so I can look forward to two more weeks of choas. AAAAAHHHH!!! Luckily I have this to keep me busy.

Lately I don't want to sleep; I don't know why. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping all that well, or maybe that's the result of not wanting to sleep...who knows. It's strange, though, cause I love dreaming. My dreams are always very vivid (even if I don't remember them) and feel just as real to me as reality sometimes. And what's more, I don't feel tired during the day if I don't sleep. It's all very strange...but then again, that's what I've come to expect when it comes to me, hehe.

"love me love me love me
say you do
let me fly away with you"
- Randy Crawford

What Are You Afraid Of?

Have you ever noticed that you're more concerned about whether others will love and care for you than many people around you are? Or do you sometimes worry more than you should about being unneeded, unimportant, or even ostracized by those around you? If so, you're not alone. There are many people who share your fear of not belonging.

It can be a real strength to recognize your fears. By being aware of the things that frighten you, you can assess whether fear is helping you or negatively impacting your life. For instance, a fear of not belonging may sometimes motivate you to take action in a positive way, like by being more willing to compromise than others.

However, fear's negative aspects can sometimes be more damaging than you realize. Living with fear not only prevents you from living life to the fullest; it can also have a significant negative impact on your energy, health, and your close relationships if not kept in check.

"and i fear
i have nothing to give"
- Sarah McLachlan

Which DD Look Should You Date? @ Darling Mine

aserejè ja de jè de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva,
majavi an de bugui an de buididipi,
aserejè ja de jè de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva,
majavi an de bugui an de buididipi...
it's so sad that I know the lyrics to The Ketchup Song.

If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay:

The Last Supper would have been brunch.

The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..."

Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams
for a production number, with ostrich feather palm
fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.

The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not
have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay
Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.

The temple would not only have been cleansed of
moneychangers, but redecorated as well.

Mary's hair would have been flawless.

The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and
Bruce.

Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys...
wait....never mind.

Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.

The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

"let's make a move
and leave this world behind"
- Sophie Ellis Bextor

I can't sleep...must be the side-effects of the medication again.

"i wish i still had my
imaginary friend"
- Chantal Kreviazuk

The sky

Today as I lay outside on the grass, relishing the warmth of the sun on my skin and staring up into an almost impossibly blue sky, I thought of nothing. With so much going through my mind lately and driving me insane, the most pleasurable thing in the world is to just think of nothing. It's oddly freeing, and as the lazy summer days approach, I can't wait to do more of it.

I saw the music video for Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton this morning, and once again the words live while you can got stuck in my head. That song follows me everywhere, and it's as if life is trying to tell me something. And since yesterday I've felt a change, something deep inside me that went click, creating a small flame that is slowly but surely melting my frozen cage. I am no longer content to just let things go on the way that they have been for the past few months; I want to live again, be happy again, and experience life with everything it has to give...I want to be me again.

PS: Happy 35th Birthday Jonno!

"i know you have a little life in you yet
i know you have a lot of strength left"
- Kate Bush

For the past year, there has been a sense of waiting within me; I'm waiting for something to happen, some event that will irrevocably change the course of my life. But while I'm waiting, I've stopped living, as if I'm holding my breath until whatever I'm waiting for happens. And while I'm waiting, around me people die, others are born, but most just live...except me. I don't live, I just exist, frozen, waiting for something to thaw me.

My uncle, who is one of the most vibrant people I know, is slowly wasting away from cancer. Even in these last days, he still insists on driving himself to the hospital, when he's so weak he can hardly walk, but still he keeps on going. He's not receiving chemotherapy anymore because nothing can save him now...but still he smiles and still he faces the world everyday, not giving up but fighting to enjoy what little time he has left. I think of my cousin and how she died last year, also from cancer. She was admitted to the hospital on Monday morning, and then on Saturday morning she passed away in her sleep; her heart was just too weak to beat anymore. But she didn't give up, she fought too. She fought day and night to stay alive, but in the end she lost the battle.

And here I am, healthy, a whole life ahead of me, but I'm too scared to live it. I don't know what to do to let go of my fear, and each day I feel more and more guilty for not living my life. I overheard my mother speaking on the phone to my father, saying that she was disappointed in me. I can't face myself in the mirror anymore because I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone. Everyday I have the opportunity to live, but I don't think I know how to anymore. I've been frozen so long that all I know is this numbness.

In the last conversation I had with my cousin, she told me how glad it made her to see me so happy. I was happy last year, so happy. But now...now things are different, and I don't know why. All I know is that there's a reason why I wasn't the one to get sick; I have to wake up, and I have to wake up soon.

"take my hand
live while you can"
- Vanessa Carlton

I'm actually in a good mood today. I wonder if it's because of the glorius weather, my medication finally kicking in, the much-needed conversation I had with Neilen yesterday, or whether it is because I've been listening to Venus As A Boy non-stop-on-repeat-the-whole-freakin'-day-long...or maybe it's all of the above. The day does have a sort of grungy undertone to it, though, but that's probably just because I haven't shaved in four days and am way overdressed for the weather...

"he believes in beauty
he's venus as a boy"
- Björk

One way of wasting my time that I love is by taking all those little tests at emode.com. Here's the latest one I took, What Are You Looking For In A Relationship, and what it said:

Soul Mate

Who needs a fling when what you want is the whole fairytale: long walks on the beach, up-all-night conversations, and watching sunrises/sunsets in each other's arms. You're probably a picky dater who doesn't connect with just anyone. Sure a strong intellectual streak, loyalty, and a great sense of humor are terrific selling points. But if your dates can't savor romance like you do, it might be the perfect match you're dreaming of. You're hoping to find your other half, that one person who can finish your sentences, someone who really 'gets' your inner emotions. And until you find them, you probably don't mind flying solo every now and then. That's because deep down, you know that being with the wrong someone is just an obstacle to being with your one-and-only. So even as you're reading this and thinking about how to find them, know that somewhere out there, they're probably wondering the same about you. It's just a matter of time.

Well, I could have told you that without taking the test, but it's always interesting when these things turn out to be somewhat accurate.

"promise me
you'll wait for me
and i'll be saving all my love for you"
- Beverly Craven

I got this from Carrier (who in turn got it from someone else):

Which Famous Homosexual are you?

Eleanor Roosevelt! Nice to see you.

A Roosevelt yourself, you married your fifth cousin Franklin; despite the obvious incestuous overtones, your six kids were happy and healthy.

When Franklin got elected, you became perhaps the most controversial first lady ever - you spoke out for the rights of women; for the rights of the poor; for world peace. You were even a member of a union while your husband was in office - and when he died, you were the head of the UN Commission on Human Rights.

All of which is pretty kick ass, but to top things off you had a hot and steamy relationship with the lesbian journalist Lorena Hickok, who was so madly in love with you that she halted her career for you. Unfortunately, you couldn't give up your public life that easily - leaving her heartbroken.

Bitch.

...go figure

"i never wanna be
no man's woman"
- Sinead O'Connor

While watching tonight's episode of The X-Files, I realised perhaps for the first time how attractive David Duchovny is; it was like I saw him for the first time...I mean, I've always known that he was goodlooking, but I never really took notice of how attractive he is. Okay, I'm just rambling as usual. Mulder and Scully should get together now; I can't stand the sexual tension anymore! Oh and by the way, I hate "to be continued"'s...

"things are getting strange i'm starting to worry
this could be a case for mulder and scully"
- Catatonia

Okay, I added a comment thingy, thanx to Enetation; so everybody feel free to comment away!

I'm stealing this survey thingy from Cara who stole it from someone else, so here goes:

PAST

First grade teacher's name: I don't remember how to spell it...
Last word you said: LOL (yes, I actually said that out loud)
Last song you sang: Madonna - Die Another Day

PRESENT

What's in your CD player?: Madonna - Music
What colour socks are you wearing?: n/a
What colour underwear are you wearing?: Blue
What's under your bed?: Boxes filled with old junk
What time did you wake up today?: 9:45AM

FUTURE

Where do you want to go?: The USA
What is your career going to be?: er...I'll let you know when I find out!
Where are you going to live?: Hopefully in a house overlooking one of Cape Town's fabulous beaches
How many kids do you want?: Two: a twin boy and girl
What kind of car(s)?: Honda CRV and a VW Beetle cabriolet

CURRENT

Current mood: Tired
Current music: Beautiful Thing Soundtrack
Current taste: Wild figs
Current hair: Short and slightly spiky
Current clothes: Buttoned-down check shirt with rolled up sleeves and a white t-shirt underneath; sea green drawstring pants; purple(??) flip-flops
Current annoyance(s): Food preservatives (it tastes funny, ok?)
Current longing: To have this night go by fast so that it can be morning
Current desktop picture: Keri Russel (don't ask)
Current favourite artist: Vanessa Carlton
Current book(s): David Eddings - Queen of Sorcery
Current colour of toenails: n/a
Current time wasting wish: Getting a massage
Current hate: My stupid anxiety disorder

ME

I may seem like: I do nothing all day
But I really: Do nothing all day!
People who know me think I'm: Clinically insane
If you knew me you'd probably: Hate me
Sometimes I feel: Like I don't fit in anywhere
In the morning I: Check my e-mail
I like to sleep: In someone's arms
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: Having a martini with some friends at a jazz cafe
Money is: Useless to my soul
One thing I wish I had is: A cello
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: Anxiety
All I need is: Someone to hold me in his strong arms
If I had one wish it would be: World Peace! (seriously)
Love is: What the world needs now
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: Be worried - is my life really that bad that I need the help of an angel?
If a demon crashed into my window I would: Wonder what my little cousin is doing all the way out here...
Something I want but I don't really need is: A big mansion
Something I need but I don't really want is: Medication
I live for: Some reason I have yet to discover
I am afraid of: Not finding someone to share my life with
It makes me angry when: People lie to themselves
I dream about: Happiness

FAMILY

Do you get along with your parents?: Yes, I love them to bits
Siblings?: Two older sisters
Step parents?: n/a
Do you get mad when people refer to them as your real parent?: n/a
What would you change about your family?: I would've liked to have had an older brother as well

TOUGH STUFF

Have you ever lost a family member? Who?: My grandparents and my cousin
Have you ever lost a friend (to death)? Who?: No
Has anyone you know ever been murdered?: Yes
Has anyone you know committed suicide?: Yes
What's the hardest thing you've went through in life?: Depression

LOVE

Have you ever loved someone?: Yes
Have you ever been in love?: Yes
Is it necessary to be in love before having sex?: For me, yes
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No
Do you love them?: n/a
Are you gonna marry them: n/a

"you gotta
make your own kind of music
sing your own special song"
- Mama Cass

I can't sleep...did I mention I hate all this medication I'm on?

"you're just like a pill
insted of making me better
you keep making me ill"
- Pink

I realised today that I have been on anti-depressants constantly since I was 15. Add to that that for the past year I've been using sedatives to help with my anxiety attacks, it ads up to a lot of drugs in my system. I think my body has had enough now and is starting to rebel. My anti-deps don't seem to work anymore because all I feel now are negative effects, and I've been feeling worse since my dosage has been pushed up; I'm at the maximum dosage, so I can't go any higher. Sedatives also don't really help anymore; they just make me feel sick and dizzy and cause memory loss.

Sometimes I get scared because I feel like I'm watching my life go down the drain and I don't know how to stop it...I can't seem to remember how it feels not to be anxious and stressed. I don't know how things got to be such a mess. What's more, I feel ashamed and guilty because there are people out there dying from cancer and aids and all I can do is stress out about my problems. Everyday I have the chance to live life to fullest, but no matter how much I want to, fear always seems to keep me back.

I don't feel like I'm living anymore; I feel like I'm waiting to die.

"dream of morning's
golden light
when you and i
will leave the night"
- Enya

"There are two things that I have always wanted to believe in, but never dared: one is that there is the right man out there for me, somewhere; the other is that I just might deserve him."
- from the movie Still Breathing

I was very little when I saw the movie about Karen Carpenter. I remember kneeling in front of my bed and praying that God would bring her back. I felt so sad, and sometimes when I think about how she died I still do. Maybe it's because I went through the same kind of thing a few years back. I guess some just make it and others don't. I was one of the lucky ones, though.

Anyway, too much white wine and Remeron has made me a sleepy boy...I'm off to bed.

"day after day
i must face a world of strangers
where i don't belong"
- The Carpenters

"he was a sk8ta boi, she said seeya later boi"
Damn, now I have that song stuck in my head...at least it's a nice song, hehe.

"Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light"
- Albert Schweitzer, Humanitarian

When relationships end, so many of us (me included) vow that we will never love again. Though somehow, as time passes, our wounds heal and we find the strength to try again; somehow we manage to keep that little flame of hope burning until someone else comes along to rekindle it. But for how long should we wait for that 'saviour'? And what happens if that light should go out? Do we have to try and bring the flame back ourselves, or should we wait for someone else to do it?

People always say "I can't live without you", but in the end, we do survive and move on, albeit slightly scarred. And perhaps therein lies the tragedy. We want to love someone so much that we'll die without them, but when we don't, we feel like we've failed and didn't love them enough. The romantic ideals that have been branded into our subconscious are not always realistic. Your heart breaks, and you think you are going to die, but then you survive and move on; that's life. Instead of dying, you now have the opportunity to learn from your heartache, and have a more fulfilling relationship next time around. Isn't that a greater gift than death? Instead of saying "I can't live without you", we should say "I can live without you, and my life will be enriched because of what we had".

As I look back on my last relationship, I often ask myself if the pain of the breakup was worth it all, but I realise that I've learned so much from those short eight months, so much that have proved to be invaluable to me and that can never be replaced. Neilen taught me how to love myself, and that is the one of the greatest gifts that I have ever received. My life is enriched because of what we had, and I'm so grateful that I had the chance to be with him, and I learned a lot from him.

A friend asked me a while back that if given the chance to be with Neilen again, would I take it? I said no, because we've grown apart. He's not what I want anymore, and I'm pretty sure I'm not what he wants either. While we were together, we grew together; but now that we're not in each other's lives anymore, our paths have separated.

It's sad the way things end, but with endings come new beginnings too. I know that it scares me to death to think that I might have to go through all of that hurt and pain again, but what else can I do? A life lived without love is a far worse fate than a broken heart that will heal with time. Maybe it's time that I came out of my cocoon; maybe it's time that I love again.

"but i fear
i have nothing
to give
i have so much
to lose here
in this lonely place"
- Sarah McLachlan

In response to this, I decided to make these:

my top 5 love songs:
1) Amanda Marshall - If I Didn't Have You
2) Dido - Here With Me
3) Ewan McGreggor & Nicole Kidman - Come What May
4) Randy Crawford - Wild Is The Wind
5) The Carpenters - We've Only Just Begun

my top 5 breakup songs:
1) Chicane - No Ordinary Morning
2) Gloria Estefan - Here We Are
3) Chrissie Hynde - I Wish You Love [I couldn't find a link for this song, but it's from the movie Eye of the Beholder starring Ashley Judd]
4) George Michael - I Can't Make You Love Me
5) Lamb - Gabriel

"but most of all
when snowflakes fall
i wish you love"
- Chrissie Hynde

Okay, let's get started with this; I'll go chronologically:

3.00pm
- I get an sms from Werner (my date) saying that we should make it 5.30pm at Café Cubaña.
- I pace around nervously for about half an hour panicking about The Date.

3.30pm
- I take something just to relax myself...(prescribed by the doctor, of course)
- A few minutes later I'm feeling much more relaxed so I take a bath with all my goodies from The Body Shop.

4.00pm
- Feeling all refreshed, I put on my clothes and start grooming (which took all of 5 minutes - a record for me!)
- Still feeling a little anxious, I decided to practise an interesting modern piano piece by J. May (whoever he may be) to calm me nerves a little.

4.30pm
- Dad drops me off at Tygervalley where I walk around the mall until everyone starts staring at me.

5.00pm
- I made a stop at The Bookshop, where I paged through the loveliest coffee table books; books ranging from Interior Decorating Art, to Parisian Apartments and Cafe's & Restaurants. I love coffee table books. My whole house will be filled with coffee tables one day just so that I can have coffee table books, hehehe.
- I get an sms from Werner saying that he'll be ten minutes late, so I go to Exclusive Books and browse around there for a while. I love the little gift books they have; these tiny little books that you can just put in your pocket and read on a rainy day.

5.30pm: The Date
It's a short walk from Tygervalley to Café Cubaña, so I set off. As I walk, I have the new Liberty X song, Got To Have Your Love, stuck in my head. It was wonderfully sunny outside, with small fluffly white clouds obscuring the half-moon in the caribbean blue sky. I walked down the street lined with palm trees, the song playing in my head and a smile on my face. I felt much relaxed now that things were actually happening. I'm not the type of person that usually goes on blind dates, and it ocurred to me that this is kind of exciting.

I get to Edward Street, and walk down to Café Cubaña. As I get closer, my heart beats a little faster so I take a deep breath and try to calm down. I ask the waitress, who seems to be new there, for a table for two, non smoking. She leads me to the nice little table, and hands me two menus. So far so good, I thought to myself. By then I was calm again, so things were going good. I sent Werner an sms telling him inside already. I ordered peach ice tea, my usual fav, and just as it arrived, so did Werner.

At first I didn't recognise him, as my head was buried in the menu, but when he got closer I realised it was him so I stood up to greet him. I didn't quite know what to do, so I just extended my hand to him, which he took.

We sat down, and he apologised for being late and then ordered a strawberry milkshake. He started talking about stuff and I started getting nervous again (hoping that he wouldn't notice). Gradually the conversation drifted to Neilen, who I found out the week before Werner had dated for a short while. You have to understand, everyone in the gay community in Cape Town knows who Neilen is, and any decent, goodlooking, taller-than-six-foot gay guy has dated him one time or another (nb: this probably sounds like he's dated a lot of men, but the sad truth is that the decent, goodlooking, taller-than-six-foot gay men are a rare breed, and there are very few of them around).

We talked about a lot of stuff, and then conversation kept coming back to Neilen. Werner asked me why Neilen broke up with me, but I couldn't give him an answer, because I honestly don't know myself, and I doubt that I will ever know. They put on a projector screen in the café showing yesterdays rugby match (which we lost) so we stared at the screen and talked about day to day stuff.

The conversation was nice, and the drinks were nice, and the atmosphere was nice, but it was just nice. There was no spark, unfortunately. I don't know if I'll see Werner again, and I doubt that we'll ever be more than just friends. Don't get me wrong: he is very attractive (the tall dark and handsome type), has impeccable manners, a wonderful smile, beautiful blue eyes; he has lots of well-off friends, knows lots of people, goes out and enjoys life...but still, I didn't feel any attraction from his side.

It didn't really disappoint me, because I wasn't expecting much (when it comes to meeting new people, I try to have no expectations so that the experience is a pleasant surprise). But maybe he was expecting more, and I'm afraid I might have disappointed him. While we were talking, I realised how intensely attractive he is; he's one of those people who's beauty shines out from the inside and rubs off on the people around them: a Beautiful Person. I thought to myself "where the hell do I fit in?"; all the people Neilen has dated/been in a relationship with (that sounds like a lot, but it's probably maximum six people) are these beautiful men, and I don't fit into that category. Okay, I'm tall, but that's about it. No matter how hard I try, I never seem to feel I belong with those men. Maybe that's why our relationship didn't last longer than eight months; maybe, maybe, maybe...

After we left, I walked him to his car. We had an awkward moment, and I wasn't sure if I should hug him or not. I wanted to, but didn't, so I just said goodbye and walked back to Tygervalley. In the meantime the clouds had come in off the sea, and the air was turning chilly. I called my dad, and asked him to pick me up. Then I went home.

In the car on the way home, I thought to myself how much I wanted to go out, how much I wanted to be part of the high culture of Cape Town, and how I want to be seen having a fun time and being happy. While I was with Neilen, I was happy; I went out to clubs, to restaurants, met great people, and had a wonderful time. I was happy, even before I met him. But it seems that now since we broke up, my life has sort of crumbled in on me, and now I have to rebuild it all. It's not his fault, I know. A lot happened after the break up that just escalated my depression which then began manifesting itself in panic attacks. There was a time when I felt like I belonged with The Beautiful People. But now I don't feel that way anymore, and I'm not sure how to get it back.

When I got home around 8pm, I called PJ (my oldest-and-best-straight-male-friend) and asked him if he wanted to go grab a cup of coffee. We went to House of Coffees and then talked about how his plans were coming along for going to London, and how things were going in college. It was just nice to talk to someone who I don't have to try to impress, someone who's known me for ages and ages, and someone who makes me feel comfortable.

I like being single, and I can easily go another year being single; I honestly don't mind. But it would be nice to have someone to share my life with again, someone for whom I will be enough.

"if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love"
- Sarah McLachlan

I think it's a bit sad that I'm so excited about this whole blog thing. Oh well, I give it a week until the novelty has worn off, then I'll probably just post every now and then...I like my template; it has a nice earthy feel to it, which is good for me seeing as I'm a Capricorn.

I have a date this evening, my first date since Neilen (my ex-boyfriend) and I parted ways in December 2001. Most people say it's way overdue. I've been stressing this whole week about the date, wondering how it's going to turn out and if something more than just friendship is going to come of it. I'm not scared that nothing will come of it; I'm more scared that something will come of it. This is just fear talking, fear that has been ruling my life for the past six months. Why I'm scared of something good, God only knows. But I don't want to jump the gun and presume something is going to happen when it might in fact not happen. I just have to take a deep breath and relax. What will be will be.

Don't you sometimes wish that you could just switch off the part of your brain that controls fear? I do all the time, but I guess that most people suffering from anxiety disorders wish that. Luckily hypnotherapy helps a lot, and my therapist is really great. I'm seeing him on Wednesday again, to continue the ongoing saga of my treatment.

I have Heart of Mine by Boz Scaggs stuck in my head now; it's such a sad song. Oh well, I've always been a sucker for a good love song, hehehe.

Okay, gotta get going; have some stuff to do before I start getting ready for The Date. I'll let y'all know how it went tonight.

PS: I HATE POPUPS

Yay! I have my own blog woohoo! Until this weekend, I didn't really know what a blog was. I mean, I've heard of it before, but never really knew what it was (to be quite honest, the first time I heard someone say it I thought it was something like flubber). It's really all thanx to this man and this Lady that I started my own blog. I read Miss Thang's weblog a couple of times, and then on Friday I noticed a link on his site. So innocently I clicked with my little mouse on the beckoning text, and to my wonder, I came across this magnificent wealth of entertainment that is Jonno's Blog! I tell you, I can't remember the last time I have laughed so hard at someone else's experiences (okay...that sounds really bad, but it's meant in a good way!). Jonno is a brilliant writer (at least from the blogs I've read), and I enjoy reading his blog so much. It's probably because his life is so completely different than mine, and it's very refreshing to read what other people get up to; it's like reading an online book.

So thank you Jonno; it's because of you that I've decided to start my own blog. I doubt that other people will enjoy mine as much as I do yours, but one can still hope. Also, thanx to Cara who introduced me to the whole thing in the first place (although for some reason it didn't stick with me back then yet).

I really just created this blog so that I can write stuff here that I don't have the time (or am just too lazy) to write in my journal. I spend so much time on the net, so I might as well put it to good use, hehehe. Besides, it's a creative outlet, and you can never have too many of those.

Er...OK...let's see...this is my first post to Blogger, and I have no clue what to write. I'm still trying to figure out just what the hell everything does around here.