1. You refer to train journeys as "The Great Journey of Life".
2. You actually understand the plot of "The Trial of a Time Lord".
3. Dying is the last thing you want to do.
4. Watching "2001: A Space Odyssey", you think: "My God, he's fallen into the title sequence!"
5. If someone offends you while you're holding a ballpoint pen, you have an inexplicable urge to point it at them and giggle uncontrollably.
6. At night, you run from building to building in fits of terror, but feel unaccountably safe as soon as you get upstairs.
7. You respect anyone whose job includes the phrase: "Scientific Advisor"...
8. ...And regard the army as a sort of meals on wheels service crossed with a tea break.
9. If someone tells you the ends don't justify the means, you immediately suspect them of planning to kill you to save the world.
10. You think anyone wearing a black suit is likely to kill you.
11. Your natural reaction if a school head master appears wearing a dead bird on his head is to run away screaming.
12. You start dividing what you say into good and bad dialogue.
13. Anyone who works in the field of artificial limbs is an enemy of humanity.
14. You see the best way out of any situation as being to act as wierdly as possible until people give up and do what you say.
15. You walk around cursing: "Humans!" under your breath when someone does something stupid.
16. If you're accused of being moody, you tell them it's just this current regeneration.
17. You look at people's faces and try to see the joins in the mask.
18. The colour for monsters is green.
19. You treat everyone as an idiot, especially your closest friends.
20. You aim to create an AI shaped like a small dog.
21. You have created an AI shaped like a small dog....
22. ....but haven't told anyone because Earth's government's have nasty enough weapons as it is.
23. If human technology eventually succeeds in building an AI which does not look anything like a small dog, you will immediately recognise it as a threat to the entire human race and blow it up.
24. If someone you know starts acting in a strange way, you knock him out, steal his pen, and try to pull his face off.
25. All sapiend life forms are your kith, but anything that looks like a reptile or an insect is fair game.
26. Anyone believed dead who amazingly turns up alive and well is best killed again as soon as possible.
27. When you wander around a lot you tend to meet yourself occasionally.
28. If you meet your own future self, you do everything in your power to kill him.
29. You see a security guard, your mind sees a cabbage.
30. You think you can get out of any situation by bravado, conjuring tricks, or a little bit of supernatural lock-picking.
31. Your dearest wish is to live in a telephone box.
32. Anybody who announces that they want to live forever is probably evil, plainly mad, and best petrified as soon as possible.
33. You find it oddly difficult to bid someone farewell without using the quote: "Bye-bye, Duggan."
34. You shpeak in a cod Jairman accent during all science classes.
35. Your response to a heavily armed alien invasion fleet is to stick your tongue out and go: "Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!"
36. If heroes don't exist you start inventing them for the sake of public morale.
37. You kick your computer if it doesn't work, but kiss it better if anyone else kicks it.
38. If it does work, you pat it and say: "Good old Earth craftsmanship."
39. Never strike first, but if someone picks a fight with you, you don't stop until you've blown up their entire solar system.
40. You collect all the sentient weaponry you can, as you never know when it might come in useful.
41. You have problems in essays, believing "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
42. You break your television trying to create a positive feedback effect.
43. You are politically ahead of the game, since you know all politicians are corrupt and furthermore, extremely stupid.
44. In the event of a nearby nuclear disaster, you take no greater precaution than to hide behind your car and pull a face.
45. You don't believe anything is impossible, but alien technology helps.
46. If you get lost when driving a group of people, you try to bluff your way out with technobabble.
47. If that doesn't work, then you claim the route map has been tampered with to send you on a top-secret mission.
48. You have little ambition- it's not that power corrupts, it's just that ruling the world is very, very boring.
49. At appropriate moments in your life, you hear your own incidental music.
50. If you ever need a bodyguard, you take someone from the seventeenth century.
51. You insult people a lot- they're all so stupid you'll probably be long gone by the time they realise you were being rude to them anyway.
52. People with American accents are there to be mocked. Actually, this is true, but who cares.
53. You have a sudden, otherwise incomprehensible desire to wear a big coat....
54. ....and don't take it off, even if the temperature is in the thirties.
55. You start to experiment with Lego, trying to see how close a copy you can build of the TARDIS control room.
56. Death doesn't scare you- making jokes is much more fun.
57. You find it irritating that reference books printed after 1970 print the 'real' version of the 1970s, and not the canonical one.
58. About to finish an essay, you can't resist murmuring: "Nuzzing in ze vorld can shtop me now".
59. You honestly care about whether "Dimensions in Time" is canonical.
60. You can bear to watch the McGann film because, in spite of everything else, it's 'New Doctor Who'
61. The name 'BBC' brings an involuntary snarl to your lips.
62. You fervently believe the theories of Erich Von Daniken because they have been proven accurate.
63. Fans of 'that Trek rubbish' are to be pitied for their lack of taste. Again, true, but none the less...
64. The only other sci-fi shows you can truly accept are "Babylon 5" and "Blakes' 7", because they were both "Who" influenced and both see the government as the enemy.
65. If your boss/tutor/teacher asks you to do something, you respond: "I will not tolerate this continual interference in my life!"
66. If you trip over your words, you describe it as a 'Hartnellism'.
67. You can't hear the word 'jetty' without vaguely sniggering.
68. You think people from Wales are called "comedy Welshmen", or "sheep".
69. Those polluting the planet are not just misguided and selfish, they're also probably mad computer controlled alien fascists from the future as well.
70. If you park your car badly, you expect to emerge in the wrong time zone.
71. Travelling on a train and looking out of the window, you watch for CSO lines.
72. Desks are for feet, bunsen burners for cocoa, and wine bottles for experiments.
73. If you see a shop window dummy, you make sure its hands aren't pointing at you.
74. If you're made redundant, you tell the government that your boss is trying to take over the world.
75. You classify major historical events with reference to "Doctor Who" dates, real and fictional.
76. You don't grow a moustache, you stick a fake one to your upper lip and surreptitiously adjust it when no one's looking.
77. You say that you're going outside as: "Cutting to film now".
78. If something bad or surprising happens, you freeze for a moment, waiting for the end credits to start rolling.
79. You can unlock anything with a sonic screwdriver.
80. There is always a way, and with you to lead, your friends are bound to succeed.
81. If in doubt, you try to crawl into the ventilation system.
82. Some of your best friends are humans.
83. If someone is interfering with your plans, press him or her on the forehead and say "zwilp".
84. You aren't surprised if people don't listen to you- you never do.
85. If you want to warn people not to meddle in your business, you buy a darker coat (actually, this is true if you've been watching too much "Babylon 5" as well).
86. The worst expletive you use is: "By the great parrot of Hades!"
87. You have the occasional urge to answer your Philosophy tutor with: "Insufficient data", and call your College President "Lord President".
88. Having called him "Lord President", you get very scared when you hear he's retiring, and keep an eye out for hideously deformed figures in black cloaks.
89. You can recite whole sections of dialogue word-for-word.
90. If you hear of a miscarriage of justice, your first assumption is that the prosecuting barrister is in fact the future version of the defendant.
91. If you become a barrister yourself, then if all else fails, you try to charge the defendant with genocide.
92. You are resigned to the fact that you and the rest of the world will never agree over the real mechanics of evolution...
93. ...but don't really mind, as they haven't had your advantages.
94. You invite a religious figure to your house for the specific purposes of ridiculing him and then turning him into a monkey.
95. All your problems would be solved, if only you could build a workable transmat.
96. You have indoctrinated another person into "Doctor Who" fandom by sheer determination.
97. You cheer when extras die.
98. When watching any story featuring Adric, you calculate the number of episodes he has left to live and jeer this at the screen whenever he appears.
99. You refer to Bill Gates as "the Great Healer".
100. You seriously cannot think of a better thing to do with a time machine than take a VCR back to 1964 and record all the lost episodes of "Doctor Who".
101. You classify your friends as 'companion' and 'guest recurring character'.
102. Dying, you decide to make a joke, expiring on the punchline.
103. Whenever you see news footage of a train crash, you yell: "Model shot!".
104. You give various 'personalities' "Doctor Who" related nicknames- 'Davros Hague' and 'Adric Blair'.
105. You think of writing threatening letters to Tom Baker telling him that he has to die before any other Doctor, to maintain the sequence.
106. You attempt to arrange events in the "Doctor Who" universe into a coherent chronology...
107. ...You succeed.
108. You can hum the Dominic Glynn version of the theme tune (actually this is more a sign of a non-human larynx than of having watched too much "Doctor Who", but I digress.
109. You discuss dimensional transcendentalism in a Physics class.
110. You cannot walk past one of those funny blue portaloos without wishing.
111. You think there's nothing scarier than a Yeti on the loo in Tooting Bec.
112. You plan to take over the universe, just so you'll get to meet the Doctor... for a few seconds.
113. You have grown a Dalek.
114. You have changed yourself into a Dalek.
115. You can watch "The Tenth Planet" without laughing.
116. You murmur, "Die, evil one, die!" whenever you see or hear of Bonnie Langford.
117. You knock everyone you meet unconscious, just in case they turn out to be a Zygon.
118. You are worried and appalled by the rapid speed of human expansionism.
119. Anyone with a beard is evil.
120. You search for volunteers to be crushed to a singularity, just to find out if willpower survives.
121. You speak treason fluently.
122. You write a list like this.

Go back to the main page, cretin!