Understanding Diversity in the Art of Helping

Under the trimmings of personality there lies a set of values that go to influence character. No two personalities are alike, and this in itself shows the order of a natural justice in operation: one structured to promote uniqueness in every living thing, which makes it a special or a separate entity. Experience is the rich resource that tutors the mind. It is available at all times; it waits within homes and outside doors with a particular message.

Concept gained from experience is the quality that gives direction to attitude and what one conceives can lead to success or failure. Attitude commands both thoughts and feelings. One is responsible for influencing one’s feelings, which in turn influences one: we see a person trapped by his or her own thoughts and feelings, and finding freedom only by using his or her own will or effort.

Advice from another may be useful and beneficial when it is conducive to one’s philosophy of life. In order to help another, one must first be able to reach that person in some common ground of understanding: if necessary, to become a kindred spirit before tactfully approaching the point or area of change essential for completing the support successfully. Whether one should or should not express one’s values and personal solutions for the purpose of helping another may depend on the characteristics of the person needing the help, on the connection of a shared empathy.

It must be realized that values are formulated by the individual and may be deep-rooted in the traumas of heredity or environment. They become appropriate, be it the right clothes, or the right views will command the respect of its initiator. It is wise to respect the values of others even though they may not be clearly understood. For this reason, the person with the problem is the one most capable of working out a solution for clearing the dark forest of his or her mind and should be allowed, if capable of doing so.

One ought to remain neutral in opinion if one does not have a fair understanding of the values of another. To tell a person who finds independence in home ownership that it is better or more economical to rent an apartment, is the kind of advice that is liable to start a conflict. Is it then better to let the character go ahead, get into debt, lose the house to the mortgagee, or spend two thirds of take home pay on interest rates with an inconsequential sum going towards the reduction of the capital debt itself? Yes. You are aware that business is hard and unflinching, and that its lifeblood is based on interest rates; your friend, though aware of losing to interest rates nevertheless feels wealth in home ownership.

It is proper and beneficial to air one’s views without imposition. It is also wise to remain neutral: again, much will depend on the person or persons concerned. Those who suffer by their own decisions somehow feel a greater loss and may learn faster than those who are led to suffer. One can grow only by coming to one’s own conclusions or can assimilate the conclusions of a kindred spirit. To be relieved or exempted from formulating a conclusion, or to be unable to do so is to cease one’s mental growth. The dominating adult may rob the child from developing the personal judgement from personal observation necessary for reaching self-fulfillment, just as the dominating personality with the overall advice will disarm the weaker one.

Differing personalities will require differing solutions to the same problems which shows that one is or should be best equipped to advise oneself, to abide by one’s values and philosophy as long as it does not negatively affect one’s relationship with others or their well-being. As human beings we are motivated to give our influences, whether the nature of the influence is good or bad; that’s why it is sometimes necessary to muzzle our mouths or turn our backs on the problems of others, unless we are certain of our directions. Most of us are copycats as much as we blind ourselves to the fact. Yet we have the tendency to ignore advice because we are human and it is our originality that makes us who we are!

In a helping relationship, when the person involved is of sufficient intelligence to understand the reality of the problem and is also considered capable to deal with it, it is better not to impose one’s special philosophy; but rather to go about it objectively. Before giving suggestions or ideas, one must be able to see the problem in the way the other party sees it, in order to “know where it hurts,” and to deal with it effectively. There are those who are in need of guidance for their basic well being and who can gain by adopting the values of another. It is therefore unwise to withhold one’s ideas or ideal from such people.

Charity, whether of a social or economic order can be unattractive to the recipient because it takes a good and generous spirit to appreciate benevolence. Depending on who you are, the ounce of effort you put in your enterprise will weigh more heavily than the ton you receive from another. The weak psyche needs all the self-confidence it can muster up, even with the aid of self-deception.

In the long annals of human history, one may observe the traditions of various peoples: where these various thoughts have led is still not very clear. Who can tell which ideology has brought more spiritual freedom: the joint family system still practised in the villages of the East, or the nuclear family system of the modern world? In the first world, suicide tendency is greater as is the need to find “self.”

In a predicament, it is better to follow the strong minds with ideas for guidance. The predicament of being alive, of clearing the jungle, of destroying the dangerous beasts to protect the clan called for the maintenance of one philosophy of mind with a basis of cooperation and obedience. Preservation was to be found in the joint family system, and peace in the keeping of the same values. Motivations coming from the top were shared and assimilated by the majority, and was seldom rebelled against even when found to be intolerable. Inventiveness for working around the “war zone” was the saving grace.

An integral part of living was order, which served to establish pace. At a particular time the rains came, the fields were ploughed; the girls were at the well doing the chores. Still fights and arguments showed that though people seemingly held the same values, it was not always carried out. A person “feels” his or her individuality. There is no tightly knit clan that can hold a person’s psyche in place, if it desires freedom. The nuclear family may be said to have more opportunities for making individual choices from the good and bad things of life. Here the values and philosophy of life is complex, because there is a greater amount of domestic freedom to be absorbed in the personality and as incredible as it may sound, freedom will bring ties.

It is the domestic freedom more so, than the political one that moulds the individual: it follows one home from the day’s work, and takes one to work in the morning. Home is the place where mental health is nurtured and nourished. It is possible that the personality of the nuclear family, with its clear cut and unclear values is more flexible to changes and can acquire and benefit from the values of another more readily, than the personality that is developed from the order of the joint family. Certain basic human needs, such as, care, love, hate, empathy or indifference can be the common bond, which unites various groups in a common understanding.

Socio-economic aid can take away or give independence. It will depend on both the attitude of those on the giving, as well as those on the receiving end. If a choice is to be made as to whether one should or should not use one’s ideals in the cause of helping another, it is best to remain neutral. However, it is useful to show one’s attitude or one’s little secret in dealing with the difficult. This can open up new vistas that can be helpful.

Words have a way of bringing liberty or calamity; the difference lies only in the way they are put together. A problem, any problem, is not half as bad or does not cause that much pain as the approach one uses in working at a solution. The manner in which one introduces one’s values to another, makes the difference between acceptance and rejection.