Miscellaneous French Humor and History

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

-- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

--Norman Schwartzkopf

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

--Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

--Rush Limbaugh

The French still need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery.

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000

years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic

who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies

are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever

lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still

manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other

participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as

chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher

than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -

Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles

the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French

their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to

future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw

far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to

the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most

of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was

also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First

Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the

Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the

last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl

home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is

saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of

French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but

one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with

personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites

widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any

improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and

the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter,

then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in

front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to

Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how

to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in

German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as

they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the

German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage",

or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to

see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off

their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien

Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a

Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern

Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it

lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare

for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,

Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the

original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes

clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and

immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good

measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.

The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are

not helping us!

-Woody