Mon, 4 Jul 1994
Dear Diary:
I suppose it had to hit me sooner or later. It's only 36 days until my surgery.
In the last few days (or is it weeks and I just wasn't aware) I've found it very difficult to concentrate. By the time I notice a thought that has popped into my head, it's already been replaced by something totally different.
I don't even know if I can describe the emotions I'm experiencing right now. They change too fast. What are these emotions? For several weeks the dominant one was impatience. I guess seeing four of my friends have the surgery in a period of 17 days did that. But now I'm alternately anxious, nervous, happy, sad, exhilarated, pensive, confident, perplexed, introspective, excited, worried, lonely, manic, depressed...I don't know if the list has an end. I guess confused and befuddled pretty much sums it up right now.
It has wrought havoc with my attempts at writing. I start off with an idea and before I'm halfway through what I wanted to say, I've changed to something else. Looks like I need to spend some time meditating, trying to get my head back together. If it doesn't get too hot today, I shall go out and spend some time communing with the campus animals.
Trying to choose a path for the future, or forge a different one from those I see now, seems to be beyond me right now. Maybe I'm just being premature about it. I know that drifting along is not getting me to a better place in my life, but perhaps now is not the time for any sort of decision to be made.
I talked to Jinny and Irene about that yesterday on IRC. They are so nice and very concerned about me. I think they have sensed the surging emotions within me right now and they are somewhat worried. It is so nice to have good friends who really care.
Tomorrow I start ramping down my hormones. Another adventure in chemistry, I guess :) I have to be off them by July 16th...at least that is the way my schedule runs. That ought to make me an emotional wreck if I don't get things together a bit now. Oh well, one thing that is sure is that it will be different.
Love and Peace,
Robyn