(Opening theme)

ANNOUNCER: Hello, and welcome to the Antiques Roadshow, San Francisco! We've got some wonderful pieces to show you today, so let's get started.

APPRAISER 1: Hello! How are you two gentleman today?
POLO: Fine, thank you!
ANDRE: (Nods, bows gallantly)
APPRAISER 1: And can you two introduce yourselves?
POLO: I am Professor Hatvany of the Royal Academy in Budapest, and this is my very good friend, Professor Petrov.
APPRAISER 1: Excellent, and what do you have for us today?
ANDRE: A most amazing and intricate jewel piece of Old Russia, with quite an interesting story behind it.
APPRAISER 1: Ah, so you do know quite a bit about the history of this piece?
ANDRE: Yes, I bought it in an antique store. (Takes a drag off his cigarette) For very little - it had more sentimental value than anything, but I found it intriguing...
APPRAISER 1: Do you mind if I take a look at this?
ANDRE: Certainly not; go ahead. Anyway, the antique dealer told me about the history of this piece - it seems a Russian czar gave one just like it to his wife. An antique piece, extremely valuable. But unfortunately, he gave it to a ballerina with whom he was having, er, an extramarital affair. He had a copy made so his wife wouldn't miss the original. This is it - the copy, that is. The original is nowhere to be found.
APPRAISER 1: I see...(examines it closely) Do you have any idea of what this is worth?
ANDRE: Very little. Maybe twenty-five dollars. It's merely a relic, a trinket.
APPRAISER 1: My friend, you're quite wrong!
ANDRE: I am!?
POLO: He is?!
APPRAISER 1: This is worth a fortune! It's genuine! Authentic!
ANDRE: Do you mean to say...
POLO: All this time we've had the real necklace?
APPRAISER 1: It's worth at least one h... (catches himself) It's worth at least ten thousand dollars!
POLO: My goodness! I can't believe it escaped even my eye!
ANDRE: We're rich!
APPRAISER 1: I hesitate to ask...(pause, lowers voice) You wouldn't sell it, would you?
POLO: Well, now that I know so much about its history, I don't know if I'd like to give up such an invaluable heirloom...
APPRAISER 1: I'd gladly pay twenty thousand for it.
ANDRE: We might discuss it backstage...friend.
APPRAISER 1: (Tears his eyes away from the necklace; clears throat)Thank you, gentlemen. Truly fascinating! Good luck to you.

APPRAISER 2: Good evening! How are you two gentlemen?
GUTMAN: Wonderful, my good man, wonderful.
CAIRO: Excellent. (Idly messes with gloves; fondles cane)
APPRAISER 2: And what do we have here?
GUTMAN: (Intensely) It's a statuette. A black bird.
CAIRO: Not just any black bird.
APPRAISER 2: Do you happen to know anything about the history of this piece?
GUTMAN: My friend...you look like a man who likes to listen to a man who likes to talk about men who like listening to men who like to talk. I, myself, am a man who likes to talk. Not to say that I am fond of simple, idle chatter; no, however, this bird has a rich history that requires extensive talking.
(CAIRO rolls eyes; yawns)
APPRAISER 2: Well, tell us about it, please.
GUTMAN: (Launches into long-winded history of the Maltese Falcon; should last one to two minutes)...And now, now, after all these long, long years of hunting, pursuing...the chase is over; it is finally mine.
APPRAISER 2: I see. Do you have any idea how much this is worth?
GUTMAN: (Voice dropping to a whisper; eyes bulging) More wealth than you could possibly imagine.
APPRAISER 2: Well, I'm sorry to have to let you down, but...uh...(looks nervously at the murderous, incredulous gazes of CAIRO and GUTMAN)...um, it's an imitation. And a very clever one, but if you examine...uh...(GUTMAN starts to lose it and clutch at the table. CAIRO stands, clutching his cane with a trembling, white-knuckled fist.) Um, if you examine these markings here...it's quite apparent...that...it's...uh...it's a fake.
GUTMAN: (Wordlessly removes a pocket knife from his pocket and scrapes at it.) It's lead...lead! It's a phony...it's lead!
APPRAISER 2: (Nervously) I'm sorry.
CAIRO:(Dangerously softly) You...bungled it...again. (Yells, spitting tacks) You and your STUPID WEAK MIND! WHY can't you EVER do ANYTHING RIGHT?! You're so OVERCONFIDENT you didn't even check before EMBARRASSING US on NATIONAL TELEVISION?! You, you IMBECILE, you BLOATED FOOL, you STUPID FAT IDIOT, you, you...I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! (Rushes out of camera view, sobbing. Returns briefly for his hat and gloves, then rushes out again.)
GUTMAN: Well. This was unexpected. (Shrugs) Too bad Mr. Cairo is always throwing such fits...heh heh...I must apologize for that scene, my good man.
APPRAISER 2: Uh...that's, that's, that's okay. He's all right, isn't he?
GUTMAN: (Dismissively) Ah. (Calls) Joel! Joel!! Are you in need of assistance?
CAIRO: (Off) I don't want to talk to you!
GUTMAN: He's fine.

ANNOUNCER: This has been another edition of the Antiques Roadshow. 'Til next time!