April 7, 2002 - Ending months of speculation, as well as national hysteria over perceived threats to humanity, it was finally revealed to an anxious nation just what WDFA is. It is not, as some feared, some sinister plot from foreign or alien enemies. Instead, it is a sinister plot by local musicians who are looking to inflict the brute force of rock and roll's greatest band on an unsuspecting housing tract. WDFA, a tribute to Van Halen, has been locked, loaded, and is ready to fire all barrels at the 2002 Tracy Bash.
The band features former Mighty Chonch Brothers members Mark Walters on vocals, Ron "F%$#in' Eddie Van Halen Wannabe" Freschi on guitar, Steve Quartarola on drums, and, in a coup that will be talked about for years to come, they were able to recruit Damn Dirty Apes frontman Craig Lyons to play bass.
"That they were successful in getting Lyons means that this group is going to be over the top," said Todd Gibbons, of GMP Productions, the company that produces the Tracy Bash. "My experience servicing the financing needs of the automotive dealership industry has taught me a lot about the power of rock and roll, and all I can say is - those homos in Tracy-DC are going to see what a real cover band is all about".
Motives Questioned
While some would say that this appears to be a rather pathetic attempt by a group of friends in their late thirties to try and relive the glory days of their youth, those who know the four members assure us that no one who sees the band's performance will look at the world in quite the same way. Friend of the band Patrick Learned, who is employed by AT&T Broadband Cable, says, "My work with the television viewing public has given me a special insight into the music world, and I can tell you this - these guys will put on a pelvic-thrusting, colon-reaming, sack-tingling show. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."
Others have questioned the wisdom of putting together a band which consists of ex-members of The Mighty Chonch Brothers after last years debacle in which they proceeded to mangle every song in their repertoire. "We're not overly concerned about that," explained drummer Quartarola. "99% of the mistakes last year were made by Gary Mears. For some reason we thought that Gary's involvement with the motoring public would be an added benefit to us. Wrong!"
Authorities Still Concerned
"While we are somewhat relieved that a threat of enemy attack has not come to fruition, these WDFA boys are certainly not to be trifled with," commented General Thomas Bloward of the National Security Agency. "I've dealt with spies, terrorists, and deranged madmen, and I don't think that any of that has prepared me for the onslaught of primal rock and roll mayhem that will be inflicted on the good citizens of Tracy, California. These are some bad mofos, that's for damn sure."
"We're still discussing the status of GMP Productions' permit request," said Tracy Police Chief David Krauss. "These Tracy Bashes tend to get a little wild, and we expect this year's to be even more so. We are especially concerned for the safety and welfare of our female population, considering that Craig Lyons will be performing. I've never seen anyone who has the effect on women that he has."
When asked to comment on the possibility that this years show would be nixed, vocalist Walters had this to say - "one thing my dealings as an advisor to the investment and entrepeurial community has taught me is that there's a little bit of WDFA in everybody. At least there will be after June 29, 2002".