I wonder why we are so afraid to speak of dying? Is it our fear of our own death that makes us run from those we know who are in the final stages of illness? If so, how cruel we are......and how blind.

Sometimes you see with an amazing clarity when you feel your life slipping away. I have been very close to three people who were dying. At times, they needed someone to talk to honestly about their feelings. They needed to feel the sunshine and share that with someone who cared for them. Sometimes they needed someone to hold them and cry with them. Sometimes they needed to laugh and talk about life as if what was happening didn't matter at all. I learned a lot from those people. I learned to touch and be touched by them. I learned most of all, that they were NOT an illness, not an impending gloom and doom, they were people who were alive and feeling things as deeply as anyone ever could. But....too many times they were left alone. So-called friends and lovers pleaded that they could not bear to watch and so they selfishly took off and left the person alone. People who are dying sometimes feel they have to be brave for their family, put on an act, so to speak, to try to make things easier for their loved ones. They needed someone they could be real with. Someone they could admit their fears to when they were afraid. Someone who could laugh and be silly with them when they needed to laugh and be silly. They needed to say what they saw and felt and know that they were not causing hardship on others by doing so, but in fact, they were giving a gift. A gift of themselves. A gift of life, not death.

Too many times they were forced to die alone and hiding all their wonderful humanity because their friends and family were such weaklings, so full of fear that they could not face the truth WITH them. That is very sad. Not just sad for the patient, but sad for the cowards who were unable to face life as it ends. So they all stood around and acted as if nothing was happening.....the old elephant in the living room story. How very sad.

My best friend died after 5 years of stuggling against cancer. One day we were talking about how so many of her friends had deserted her because she was dying. She asked me, "Angelia, is it going to be too hard on you to stay with me through this?" I answered truthfully, "It would be too hard on me not to stay with you through this."

I'm not saying it was easy. It is not easy. I used to wake up every morning and pray that God would give me the wisdom to see how she needed me to be for her that day, and give me the strength to be whatever it was. It wasn't too hard. The last three months I was the only one there during the day when her husband had to work. Not one family member or friend came around. Her cancer showed. It was too big an elephant in the living room for people to ignore, so they ran. They just couldn't handle it. I understand why she forgave them now. I can forgive too when it is me someone has given short shrift to. I was angry then because they had deserted a person I loved and admired. I wanted her to have more than me there. I wanted her not to have to listen to her brother call and her she should get up and fly to Mexico or anywhere someone would offer her hope. I turned and walked away at her funeral when he said she could have saved herself if she had tried harder. I know how hard she fought that cancer. People die. All people die. To deny it is not only foolish, it is cruel and stupid. To deny it is to leave them alone when they need you the most. They should be allowed to deal with it in any way they choose. They should have someone there to laugh with or cry with or even to rant and rage with. Most people cannot seem to be there for those people though. Some of the ones who are there will only stay if the person acts and talks as if they are not dying at all. They have to pretend....so they are alone, even with those types of people standing in the room. We, in our cowardice, not only deny help to those dying people that we claim to love, we deny ourselves what could be one of life's richest lessons. How to die with grace and dignity. How to give strength and gain strength because we refuse to desert the people we love when their life is no longer pretty.

My friend died as she lived, with laughter.....with tears......with rage and with acceptance. I am a richer woman for having been with her through that. I always hoped that there would be someone like that for me. Someone who cared enough to stay around. I need to laugh with someone who knows how much laughter can mean. I need to hold someone's hand when I am afraid. I need to know that someone loves me enough to be here for me, ...........as long as I need them to be. We all need that.






~ © Angelia (Artisan4zero@aol.com) ~

© Photograph by Angelia (Artisan4zero@aol.com)

November 9, 2003


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