I was asked an interesting question recently. In discussing people who lie about themselves or use gifts to buy the affection of others, the person said "Don't you think it is sad that people feel they have to lie or give money and gifts to people in order to be liked?" Of course, it is sad. It is a usually a sign of low self esteem, but it is far too often an indicator of not only how the person feels about himself, but how they feel about other human beings. What a cynical and selfish outlook it is that it is ok to lie to other humans to get your ego stroked; OR worse yet, that you can buy their affection and loyalty. Sadly, they are often right. Many people will rationalize the behavior of such cynics just in order to stay on the gift list. Now! you say, THAT is a cynical statement. My answer is, yes, it is. Many people talk about charitable group efforts they are involved in. That is good. It encourages like behavior in others. I think that should be praised and encouraged. That is NOT bragging about personal giving nor manipulating people for selfish reasons. There is a big difference in that and what I am speaking of and it is not hard to discern. Giving to people who are in real need is not the same thing as what I am addressing. Let's try some logic and self awareness. Most of us love to receive signs of affection and praise from others. We sometimes call it "putting your money where your mouth is". Sometimes that is correct. I think most of us are aware of what true charity is though. True gifts of love are not bragged about to others. Which of us has not gone to the aide of a friend or neighbor in need of emotional or financial support? And of those who have, how many felt the need to let anyone know what we did? THAT is the dividing line between giving out of honest compassion and giving to bolster our own image in the eyes of ourselves and others. I have seen too many acts of true compassion to be fooled by those who brag about the charitable acts they do. I was in a position to see truly compassionate giving for several years. People who gave thousands of dollars in cash through a third party so that the person in need did not know where the help came from and wouldn't be embarrassed or feel beholden to them. People who never want a receipt because they have no intention of claiming their gift as a deduction on their tax forms. People who gave part of the home grown veggies they raised out of their own family's need. I have also seen the donations come in from people who attached their names and address labels to every item so that all involved would know where the "gift" came from. I have seen people stand up in a crowd and in a supposedly charitable plea for help for someone itemize every penny and every minute of time that they had given themselves. I don't call that giving. I call that buying an image for one's self. So, my anonymous asker. yes, I think it is sad. It is sad for the giver, but it is FAR more sad for the receiver. My pity goes to the victim of these so-called generous people. Too often they are being used. In the case of being lied too, their emotions are manipulated. In the case of gifts or financial help they are expected to give whole hearted verbal support for the giver, regardless of how atrocious his/her behavior is. The "givers" call that "loyalty" and "unconditional love". What it TRULY is is a condition that they put on their so-called "gift". You know the ones, they go and complain to others that their gifts were not properly "appreciated." They go brag about what they give and they complain if people are not grateful for their "donations". They may be gifts of love, but they are not a sign of love or concern for the person receiving the gift, they are a sign of love for their own image. They are simply purchases. ~ Angelia (Artisan4zero@aol.com) ~ © Photograph by Paul (AHikingDude@aol.com) © June 15, 2003 Writers' Corner Index