*RING**
I
look up from my dinner. Who
would call the Breeder From Hell
at suppertime? I check the
caller id. It's a local call. No
mercy. Had they called from
different time zone, I might
have considered commuting their
sentence...
"Yes."
Hello is too good for this
loser. This should be the first
hint.
"Yeah,
is this the lady who has
Boston's? Someone gave me your
number...I'm calling about a
stud."
Uh
huh. This loser doesn't know my
name, but wants to use one of my
studs? I'm just about to pick up
the whistle I keep on hand for
obscene callers, when I hear
words I hadn't expected.
"I
have a stud. I thought you might
want to use him."
But
of course! Whatever was I
thinking? I put down my plate.
Time to trade in my salad for
some fresh meat.
"You
do? Please! Tell me more about
him."
"He's
got papers. We're charging $75
but we might take a pup if
there's a good one in
there."
If
my plan is going to succeed, I
must first win his friendship.
"Oh
my goodness, I could never sleep
at night having paid you so
little. I wouldn't dream of
paying less than $125."
"Really?"
"Absolutely.
Actually, some people charge
$150 for studding their Bostons."
I hear the skin on his cheeks
snap into an idiot grin.
"Ok.
But for you I'll charge $125,
though, ok? When do you want to
use him? Got anything ready now?
We'd really like to get some
pups outa him."
"You
mean he's never been used
before?"
I let a long moment of
silence pass before continuing,
my voice grave.
"I
hope you've checked him for
T.E.S.S."
"What
tests? He's got his shots.
"No,
I said TESS T - E - S - S."
There's
a little hesitation in his voice
now. "Tess?"
"Testicular
Ecstatic Seizure Syndrome."
I whisper it into the receiver.
"Huh?
What's that?"
"Breeding
fits. Kind of like a seizure,
except it hits them in the rear
first.
They sort of lose
control. It's an awful thing to
see. Awful thing...You mean
nobody told you?"
"er....no?"
*sigh*
"They never do. You're
lucky you talked to me then, eh?
I may might have saved your dog
from a convulsion or
worse..." I let that sink in for a moment. First you herd them into the
tunnel, then you turn on the
light... "But there's a
couple of tests you can do to
check for it... easy
stuff."
"Yeah?
tests?" (He's coming in
like a bug to a zapper...)
"You
can do them yourself. First you
get a female that's ready for
breeding, bring your stud in and
watch what happens. You have to
watch really close...but keep
him on a leash so you can get
him out of there if you have
to."
"Ok"
"Watch
your stud real close, and if he
starts to chatter his teeth a
little, well that's a danger
sign. The first thing to start
him off in a breeding fit is
that teeth chattering thing...
are you writing this down?"
"Ok"
"Next
thing to do is watch how excited
he gets. If he starts scrambling
around and won't listen to you,
then that's another danger sign.
If he does that, get him outa
there fast. Let him settle down
for a few days. Maybe a week.
Then try again. If he still does
it, well, he's gonna need an
operation."
"An
operation?" I can hear the
profit margin calculations being
adjusted.
"Oh
yeah, you can cure TESS real
easy. Just get your dog in right
away to the vet for an
operation."
"You
sure? I mean, operations can be
kinda expensive..."
"Not
as expensive as buying another
dog, eh? Besides, if anybody
gets even a hint that your dog
has TESS, they won't use him. No
way. Who wants to waste time on
a dog that dies before the job
gets done, eh?"
"I
never thought about it that way.
You got a good point
there...."
"Yup.
So, this is what you do. You go
to your vet and tell him you
want him to do a Vasek Tummy
operation. Write that down...Va-sek-Tum-my
"Yup,
got it. Ok, thanks."
"Wait,
for crying out loud, that isn't
all!"
"No?"
"If
your vet gets any idea that you
want to be studding your dog,
he's not gonna do it. So, no
matter what he says, tell him
you don't ever want to stud that
dog. NEVER."
"Huh?"
"And
don't breathe a word about the
TESS. For sure he won't do it
then."
"Why
not?"
"Vets
are funny that way. If they find
out you want to fix up a dog
with TESS for breeding, they
won't let you do it. So they
won't do that Vasek Tummy
operation."
"Oh.
Ok. Now I get this."
"Good.
Hey, and good luck, eh? Be sure
to call me back and tell me how
it went. I like to know about
vets who do good Vasek Tummy
surgeries. There's lots of
people like you out there."
"Thanks.
Thanks for your help. I'll be
sure to do that."
"No
need to thank me" I take
out a steak knife and carve
another notch in the idiot
stick. "The opportunity to
help others is the only thanks I
need."
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