| DEAD POETS AND THE "INTERNET" by Dave Bennett Let's face it, modern literature is dead. It doesn't matter if it's prose or poetry, the effort of writing has been lost on the so-called "Internet", which is supposedly an expansive network of people all around the world blah blah yada yada, whatever. To be perfectly honest, I'm beginning to think this "Internet" doesn't really exist. But even in it's theoretical being, the "net" (as it's known on the street) has degraded the English language to it's lowest common denominator. To test this thesis, I hired famous poet Trumbull Stickney (1869 - 1935) and sent him onto Yahoo! Chat. This is the result. The following has been edited for space and content, but the words that do appear have not been modified in any way. --- Hannah_Bananah_au: only if their wearing bras payton ;) tHe_TeArLeSs_WoNdEr: Bye Mobie Da Llama tHe_TeArLeSs_WoNdEr: LOL Hannah_Bananah_au: the thong is optional. trumbull_stickney: Be still. The hanging gardens were a dream that over Persian roses flew to kiss angelalways_12: hey ppl Naked_Ninja_Bwar: never did care trumbull_stickney: Chide me not, darling, that I sing Familiar thoughts and meters old; nz_summergirl: :) ice_viper17m listens to his CD player trumbull_stickney: Leave him now quietly by the way to rest apart. jenjen518: :-O UR GUINEA PIG :(( nz_summergirl: eats an apple tHe_TeArLeSs_WoNdEr: wtf mad_snowboarder3: oh trumbull_stickney: Leave him be, for rest alone can cure -- if cure can be Hannah_Bananah_au: last night it was raining jenjen518: I soldededeedededede them Jenjen518: i have a ? !!! tHe_TeArLeSs_WoNdEr: ((editor's note - word deleted)) diezel_dawg: PLC :( mad_snowboarder3: ohh... imma fill in the blanks for peeps trumbull_stickney: The green and climbing eyesight of a cat crawled near my mind's poor birds. braincandy_xtc: :P LiNzY_BaBy: hi kc ((ed. Note - there was a little happy face with a heart next to it right here)) Yahoo_((deleted))_LiTTLe_BoYs...trumbull_stickney...YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID BEAVER! -11722- --- It was at this time that Trumbull received a "personal message" in this "chat room". --- a_f22_britany9640: hey there's some ((deleted)) you should check it out! trumbull_stickney: Low in the East now lighting gourgeously --- And now, back to the chatroom. --- mad_snowboarder_03: when i'm 18...i can rent a carpet shampooer :D LiNzY_BaBy: booya trumbull_stickney: Ere sunrise on the world's dismantled verge, DoWn_tHaT_SySTeM: HAHAHAHA trumbull_stickney: Awaiting how from everywhere should urge tHe_TeArLeSs_WoNdEr: cowboy hat... jenjen518: HMPH<brb trumbull_stickney: Oh, I give up. trumbull_stickney: who here likes incubus press 44 --- I think it's safe to say we're ((deleted)). |
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| TRANSLATION You didn't think we'd just through you into the dank, creepy, and oddly smelly corners of the "Internet" without a translator, would you? Of course we wouldn't, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise (Note: all otherwise telling should be reported to the Journal staff immediately). The chat start off with what might be misconstrued as being racy, but in fact she is singing with a crippling "typing lisp". As you can plainly see, the "song" is optional. Trumbull Stickney wows the crowded room, some of them going so far as to eat apples (a gesture of appreciation on both the "Internet" and between most lizards). Many people chimed in with the calming, albeit pagan, ritual of "little smiley faces on their sides". Some people in the room, however, were unimpressed with Stickney, calling him such names as a "guinea pig" (in CAPITAL LETTERS, no less) and a "stupid beaver". He's still hurting from that last one. One hypothesis is that these naysayers were more familiar with the work of A.H. Reginald Buller (1874-1944), who I understand is embarking on a mall tour this year to raise money for people who are different It's clear that Stickney had a profound effect on these basement-dwelling sociopaths, as one of them started talking about carpet cleaners ("carpet cleaner" is actually a slang term for "extremely amazing poetry", e.g. "Yo, that Marjorie Pickthal was the carpet cleaner!"). Stickney still insists his last post before leaving was a joke, and had nothing to do with his decision to go on tour with Limp Bizkit. |
| All content and material (with the expception of GeoCites Clip-Art) are copyright 2001-2002 Dave J. Bennett. Material may not be used or duplicated without permission. Enjoy, but if you rip me off, I will hunt you down like the dog you are. |